“Johnny?”

He barely recognized his own voice as it came out in a shaky, panicked whisper. Roy held his breath -- with the sound of his heart pounding loudly in his ears, he quickly checked for a pulse. He closed his eyes and relaxed for a minute when he finally found a weak one. Taking a deep breath of relief, he put the oxygen mask back on Johnny's face. Still not wanting to leave his side, Roy crawled out to talk to Captain Harris.

“How’s he doing, Roy?”

“Not so good, Cap. We need to get him out of there now.” Roy couldn’t emphasize the word enough.

“Well, we have a plan, but it’s going to be a little tricky.” He glanced in Johnny's direction. “If it works, we’ll have him out in a few minutes. If it doesn’t... he could be a dead man if we try to move him and this wall goes.”

"Cap, he’s a dead man if we don’t.”

Roy’s solemn declaration left no room for doubt that they had to try.

Harris nodded to Fowler. “Let’s get to it, then.”

Roy motioned to Dave Peters, who quickly joined him. “We’re gonna need the backboard and the anti-shock trousers off the squad. Make sure the ambulance is ready to go as soon as we bring him out.” Roy swallowed hard. “Dave, we don’t have any time to lose. I’ll contact Rampart and let them know we’re about ready to move him.”

Peters was gone in a flash.

“Rampart, this is County 51.”

It had been at least five minutes since their last communication, and Brackett and Dixie both jumped as Roy's voice came over the speaker.

“We read you, 51. What’s your status?”

“Patient is unconscious again. Vitals are unchanged, except breathing is more labored. We’re about ready to extricate him. We have a backboard and anti-shock suit ready. The ambulance is here and ready to roll.”

“Ten-four, 51. As soon as you get him out, I need you to verify the injury and see if you can confirm the source of the bleeding. Just make it quick, and report your findings. We’ll be standing by.”

The time spent shoring up the wall and in working out the details of how best to lift the debris paid off. Everything was put in place, and in just a matter of a few minutes, Johnny had been freed up enough that they were able to drag him out and roll him onto the backboard, and quickly move him away from further danger. Roy took the shears again and slit the right pant leg, being careful not to actually touch the leg itself, while Dave took another BP reading.

Roy did his best not to flinch at what he saw, and grabbed the biophone.

“Rampart, this is 51. Confirm victim has large hematoma, and edema is evident from hip to knee on right leg. Probable closed mid shaft fracture. We have him on a backboard. Uh... Rampart, blood pressure is dropping... 70 over 55.”

“51, get him into anti-shock trousers immediately. Then repeat BP and check vitals again.”

They had already laid the trousers on the backboard before they rolled him onto it, and took only a minute to wrap him up and inflate them.

“Rampart, anti-shock trousers are in place. BP is back up slightly to 75 over 55. Pulse is 120 and thready. His skin is moist and pale and extremities are cold. Nails and lips have bluish tinge. Respirations have increased to 24 and breathing is extremely labored.”

“Okay... 51, I want you to insert an airway and transport immediately. Continue to monitor breathing and BP on the way in and report any changes. Let’s not waste any time... as soon as you’re on the way, I want you to patch him in and keep an eye on his heart rhythm. What’s your ETA?”

Roy drew a blank as to where they even were. Dave told him 15 minutes.

Roy shook his head. “Rampart, ETA is 10 minutes.”

Dave Peters shot Roy a questioning look, as he readied the airway.

Roy answered without taking his eyes off Johnny for a second.

“Dave, he doesn’t have 15 minutes.”

* * * * * * *

As used to it as Roy was, the flurry of activity in the treatment room overwhelmed him. They hung fresh IV bags, and started Johnny on plasma immediately in an attempt to stabilize him before taking him to surgery. Brackett was barking out orders for blood tests and updates on vitals, making sure plenty of units of whole blood would be available, and that the OR and the surgeons were getting ready. A nurse took over the ambubag from Dave to continue to assist Johnny's breathing. There were so many people circling the table, Roy couldn’t even see him any more.

No longer participating in the hands-on treatment, Roy backed away and leaned against the wall, not wanting to leave the room. He had promised Johnny he wouldn’t leave him, and felt he needed to keep that promise. Overcome by nervous exhaustion, he closed his eyes while keeping his ears open to every word being spoken.

Brackett was satisfied for the moment that things were under control. “Okay, it looks like he’s stabilized a little. Let’s see if we can get a look at that leg. I’m gonna let the air out a little at a time.... Carol, make you sure keep an eye on his BP.”

Thirty seconds later, Roy was jarred from his respite by the sudden frantic commotion surrounding Johnny.

“Doctor, his BPs falling... 60/40.”

“V-tach!”

“Damn it, Johnny!”

“Quick, hand me the paddles. 400 watt seconds.”

“Clear!”

Then, came the sound he had heard a thousand times, a sound he would recognize in his sleep. Roy thought his own heart was racing as out-of-control as Johnny's, and felt the jolt from clear across the room. Roy held his breath, waiting for somebody to say something.

“Get that suit re-inflated STAT. Call the OR and tell them we’re bringing him up now.”

He could no longer keep his promise to Johnny. Roy had to step out of the room to catch his breath.

The hallways of the ER were unusually quiet for early evening, and he felt strangely out of place. He was shaking and needed to get off his feet. Taking refuge behind the desk at the deserted nurse’s station, Roy sat down and put his elbows on the desk and rested his head in his hands. He hadn’t even noticed the throbbing headache until now, and began to massage his temples in an effort to relieve some of the pressure.

It had only been a week ago that he and Johnny sat on the patio at the training center and talked about their close calls over the past six years, believing that the most perilous part of their service was now behind them. Johnny had told Roy that night at the party that it was one of the reasons he had finally decided to ask Shannon to marry him... being a captain was supposed to be a far less dangerous job than the one they had undertaken as rescue men. This had only been Johnny's third shift as a captain.

He slipped his hands behind his neck, kneading the muscles there, as he tried to stop the growing tension that was traveling down to his shoulders. Roy had seen the face of death before, far too many times in his career, and he closed his eyes tightly to block the image from entering now.

Pictures of Johnny kept flashing through his mind -- pictures of other times Johnny had been sick or hurt -- and none of them even began to compare with the picture of the sight of him when they took him out of the ambulance. Even when his life hung in the balance from the virus and the snakebite, Johnny hadn’t looked like that. This time, that air of immortality had been stripped away, and when Roy had looked at Johnny, he saw death on the face of his friend. It had reached out to claim him a few minutes ago, stopped only by the momentary intervention of man and medicine.

In their line of work, it was certainly no stranger, but before they even took on the job of being firefighters and paramedics, somewhere in their pasts, they had learned to come to terms with death as a natural part of life. They quickly found there was a difference, though -- most of what they saw on the job was not natural at all -- it was instead an unforeseen thief that snuck up and robbed its victims when they least expected it. Their jobs put them in the middle of the struggle between the two great powers, and sometimes they won and sometimes they lost, and the losses were never easy to bear.

Death was faceless in the beginning, but as the years went on, that had changed. In their nightmares, it had taken on the appearance of those they had tried to save but couldn’t. Johnny often stayed awake at night... he had told Roy once that sleep was highly overrated, and after talking with him that night, Roy understood that it was his way of keeping the ghosts at bay. Most of the time, though, it was one of those things they didn’t talk about.

Before deciding to take the Captain's exam, they had talked instead for a long time about whether or not they were finally ready to give up being paramedics. It had been harder in some ways for Roy than for Johnny. Roy had passed on opportunities before, but this time it was Johnny who had convinced him that they should move on. There was no question but that Johnny still loved the excitement and challenge of his job, but he had become increasingly despondent every time they lost someone. John had grown tired of seeing those faces when he did sleep, and seeing Chet's had seemingly been the final straw.

Roy had still been able to focus on all the ones they saved, all the good things they accomplished. He had purposely bid for a station with paramedics, while Johnny hadn’t seemed to care one way or the other. Roy had always been profoundly affected by the loss of someone they had tried so hard to save, but today... today this had been infinitely more personal, and now he wasn’t so sure he could be around this anymore himself.

He could not shake the cold dark image from his mind. The reality was that they had almost lost Johnny just a few minutes ago, and even though they held onto him this time, Roy wondered how many times that scene might repeat itself over the next few hours, and just how many times man and medicine could intervene in something that was ultimately beyond their power to control. Seeing Johnny's face flash by again, Roy was sure he knew which side would lose the battle. He and John, and all the doctors who were working to save him, were only mortals after all.

Roy had stayed by Johnny's side while they worked to free him this afternoon, and all the while had stayed in his professional mode. He had done everything he had been trained to do, made every move the doctors told him to make, yet it may not have been enough. He hadn’t allowed his personal feelings to surface. He had done his job, and failed his friend. There were things he should have said when he had the chance, but he was so busy shielding himself from the truth that he couldn’t take the time.

Roy realized now what Johnny's last words to him were, and what they were meant to be. Johnny had known and accepted the truth, while Roy had refused to look and listen.

Dixie came out of the treatment room alone and stood quietly for a moment, watching Roy. Every emotion Roy had ever shown was expressed in his eyes, and even with his head down, she knew that they were filled with worry and despair. Sensing her presence, he looked up and saw something in her eyes he had never seen there before. Tears -- and they scared the hell out of him.

It was only a minute later that they wheeled the gurney out and headed for the elevator in a rush. Brackett stopped and put a hand on Dixie's shoulder, and quietly asked her to call Joe Early, then crossed the hall to the nurses station to talk to Roy to fill him in before heading upstairs. Roy looked like he was in shock himself, and Brackett couldn’t imagine how hard it must have been for him -- his last day as a paramedic, and he’d ended up pulling his best friend's broken body out of a pile of rubble. Kelly Brackett didn’t even want to think about Roy's reaction if Johnny didn’t pull through. He’d find a way to blame himself and second-guess himself for the rest of his life. Brackett had no way of knowing that Roy was already doing that.

Brackett couldn’t spare the time to console him, knowing Roy would understand that he needed to maintain his professional detachment now -- just as Roy had while he was taking care of Johnny at the scene. Roy looked a little dazed, and the doctor tried to get his attention before talking to him.

“Roy, we’ve got an OR ready right now, and we can’t wait any longer to stabilize him. Johnny’s already lost of lot of blood, and he’s still bleeding. We’ve got to get it stopped quickly, or he isn’t going to make it. They’ll x-ray him as soon as they get him up there, and our best vascular and orthopedic surgeons are waiting for him. I’m on my way now to join them.”

There were questions in Roy's eyes that Kelly Brackett wished he had answers to.

“Roy, I know sometimes we all think of Johnny as being indestructible. He’s come back from a lot of things before. This time... this time I don’t know. I think maybe if there’s anyone you think you should call, you should do it now. You’re welcome to use the phone in my office if you’d like some privacy.”

As Brackett walked away, he wasn’t sure if Roy had actually comprehended what he just told him. If he had just looked in his eyes again, he would have seen that Roy already knew.

* * * * * * * *

“Hey, Shannon...! Phone’s for you...,” someone shouted from across the noisy room. A handful of her friends were still there, helping straighten up after the surprise bridal shower they had thrown.

“Can you ask who it is?” she shouted back, trying to be heard over the laughter that filled the room and the music coming from the stereo.

If it was Johnny, Shannon had no intention of talking to him. She thought she had made that perfectly clear when he had called in the middle of the night last night. He had sounded strange, and she thought he may have been drinking, and hung up on him without listening to what he had to say. It had been a week since she left him, and until last night he hadn’t even tried to call... he hadn’t come after her... he hadn’t been her knight in shining armor after all. He seemed to prefer the red engine to the white horse.

“It’s some guy... says his name is Roy... Roy DeSoto. He says it’s important.”

Everyone in the room saw the bowl slip from her hands and break into pieces when it hit the floor. Shannon watched it fall, in slow-motion, and when she finally looked down, all she could see were the remnants of her shattered heart, lying in a million tiny pieces on the ground around her feet.

* * * * * * * *

It was 4 AM when an exhausted but anxious Shannon hurried through the Rampart emergency room entrance. By her watch it was 7 AM.... more than nine hours since she had taken the call from Roy. She was grateful that her friends had been there last night, or she might not have made it to LA this quickly. Cindy got her brother to fly Shannon in his Cessna to Atlanta, the closest airport with a direct flight to LAX late at night. Even that had taken hours. Cindy and Kathy had made her flight and car rental arrangements while she hurriedly threw some things in a bag, and then had driven her to the small private airfield where the plane was waiting. They promised to call Brian for her and explain.

Shannon had called Rampart before she boarded the plane in Atlanta, but was only told that Johnny was still in surgery and that there was no news. She had been over four hours in the air since then, not knowing if she would get there in time. There hadn’t been time for details over the phone. Roy just said that Johnny had been badly hurt in an accident, and was going into surgery, and he thought she should be there. Every time Roy had assured her Johnny would be okay, he had asked her to hurry. It wasn’t what he said that convinced her to come quickly, it was how he said it, and the sound of fear in his voice.

Any other time, Shannon would have detested a redeye flight, but this time it was a godsend. The plane was only half full, and there was no one sitting by her, so she was able stretch out a little. Her mind was filled with too many thoughts and too much anxiety to even consider sleeping, but at least she wasn’t disturbing anyone else with her restlessness. The overhead cabin lights were turned off, and the darkness helped hide her tears. A week ago, she had sworn she would never shed another tear over John Gage, and now she couldn’t make them stop.

There was nothing to do in the darkness but think. Shannon tried hard to bring to mind only the good times they had shared, and how they had laughed together, and how they had loved each other, but every memory brought her painfully back to the picture of Johnny's face when she told him she was going to marry Brian. If that picture had painted words, it would have filled the Book of Sorrows ten times over. She had come so far from out in left field that he had never seen it coming. Shannon would never forget the look in his eyes, and prayed that she would have the chance to look there again and tell him she was sorry.

The hardest thing of all was knowing that he had called her the night before, and she had hung up on him. It was late and she had been sound asleep. Shannon had been so sure then that he had been drinking, but the more she thought about it, the more she thought that he had called because something was wrong. Johnny had said he couldn’t sleep and needed to talk... before it was too late.

She wondered now what he had meant by that.... She would never forgive herself if it was too late.

Shannon had called again when she landed in LA, and the only information she could get was that he was in ICU. They wouldn’t tell her more, but it was enough to reassure her that he had made it through surgery.

She was surprised at the amount of activity in the emergency room, even at this hour. For some reason she had hoped to see either Dixie or Roy, but there were no familiar faces to be found. Her plans had been made so quickly, there hadn’t been time to let anyone know when she would arrive anyway. Shannon went to the admissions desk in the waiting room to see if anyone could tell her how she could find out about Johnny, and if she could see him. The nurse on duty knew Johnny and was sympathetic, but because Shannon wasn’t family, it was against the rules to give out information.

The nurse finally took pity on her plight, and made a call to ICU. After hanging up, she told Shannon that Johnny had made it through surgery but was in critical condition, and that Dr. Brackett had left instructions that Johnny was not to have any visitors overnight. Shannon asked if Dr. Brackett was still in the hospital, but the nurse said that he had left several hours ago. Dixie was off duty, and as far as the nurse knew, Roy wasn’t at the hospital either. She thought about calling Joanne, but decided that she didn’t want to disturb the entire DeSoto household at this early hour.

Tired and frustrated, Shannon settled down in one of the uncomfortable waiting room chairs, and did the only thing she could do. Wait. Where Johnny was concerned, she had years of practice at doing just that.

* * * * * * * *

Dixie hadn’t been able to sleep much, and decided to come in early to try to see Johnny for a few minutes before she started her workday in the emergency room. She had made several calls during the night, but there had been no change in his condition.

Shannon felt someone gently shaking her awake and for a moment forgot where she was. It came to her quickly though, and she sat up with a start, with a look of panic on her face.

“He’s still hanging in there, Shannon.” Dixie tried to give her a reassuring smile.

“Dixie... I’ve been here for hours, but no one would tell me anything... just that he’s in critical condition and can’t have visitors. I don’t even know what happened to him. Dixie, I need to see him and talk to him, but they won’t let me because I’m not family.” Shannon was beside herself, and Dixie sat down next to her and tried to calm her down.

“Shannon, come on, pull yourself together,” Dixie said gently, “and I’ll make sure you get to see him just as soon as possible. I promise you’ll see him.”

Crying and composing herself had become a way of life lately, and Shannon gracefully pulled it off one more time.

“Come on, I’ll buy you a cup of coffee, and we’ll talk,” Dixie gestured down the hall toward the doctor’s lounge, “then I’ll find out how soon you can see Johnny. The doctors make rounds early, and they’re probably with him now.”

Shannon relaxed a little, and rubbed her neck. She had slept in some uncomfortable places in her life, but these chairs were sheer torture. She stifled a yawn. “Well, I’m not much of a coffee drinker, but I’ll be glad to keep you company... Dixie, I need know what happened, and if he’s going to be all right.”

Dixie led the way down the hall and held the door open for Shannon. The lounge was empty, but the television was on, and there was a fresh pot of coffee waiting. Dixie offered to pour a cup for Shannon, who shook her head no and sat down at the table.

“You know, Shannon, there’s a saying that coffee makes the world go ‘round...."

Shannon smiled sheepishly. “I thought that was supposed to be ‘love’?"

Dixie shook her head. “... love only populates it. At least that’s how the saying goes.”

That got a small laugh from Shannon, who then turned curious. “What is it with coffee, anyway, Dixie? Most of the time Johnny doesn’t even finish drinking a whole cup.... It’s like he just needs to have something to hold on to. Every time I’ve been at the station, or around here, it seems like everyone else does the same thing.”

Shannon thought she would give anything to see Johnny standing in front of her right now with that cup of coffee in his hand and a smile on his face.

Dixie sat down at the table, staring at the cup in front of her, wondering herself just what it was with the stuff. “I don’t know.... I guess sometimes it’s a habit, and sometimes we just need it after a long day to keep us awake and on our toes.”

A small frown crossed her forehead, as Dixie gave it some more thought. “You know, in our business we see a lot of things that are pretty unpleasant.... And, I’m sure that goes double for people like Johnny and Roy.... Somehow being able to share a cup of coffee when words fail us is kind of like... like the tie that binds us....”

She looked at Shannon and finished her thought.

“... and sometimes... sometimes it’s the glue that holds us together when things get really rough.”

She offered the cup to Shannon, who accepted it with a quiet thank you. Dixie got up to pour herself another one, wondering if she was actually going to drink it, or if was just something she needed to hold onto right now.

Shannon remembered she hadn’t seen Roy. “Dixie, where’s Roy? I thought for sure he’d be here.”

“Roy had to go back to work and finish his shift. He gets off at 8:00, so I expect we’ll see him here right after that.” Dixie knew it had torn him apart to leave, and he had called a half-dozen times, whenever he could, while Johnny was in surgery. She was sure he had called during the night too.

“Well, I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that he’s at work.” If Dixie heard the bitterness in Shannon's voice, she didn’t let on. “Sometimes I think if the world were coming to an end, Johnny and Roy, and everyone like them would still be out there doing their jobs, instead of being home with their families where they belong.”

Dixie nodded her head as she took a sip of coffee. “Don’t you see, Shannon... that’s what makes them so very special.”

Shannon had to think about that. She probably sounded selfish, but she couldn’t understand how someone could go to work while his best friend was fighting for his life on an operating room table. It didn’t make sense. It had never made sense to her.

“Shannon, how much do you know about what happened yesterday?” Dixie asked.

“I really don’t know anything. When Roy called... he just said that Johnny had been hurt in an accident and was going to be in surgery for a long time. He didn’t say what happened, and I guess I was kind of in shock, and didn’t ask either. He just kept telling me to hurry, and all I could think of was trying to get here as quickly as I could.” Shannon waited for Dixie to fill her in.

Dixie got up to warm her coffee. She definitely needed something to hold on to this morning.

“Johnny's station was just one of several that responded to a warehouse fire, and from what I understand, they thought they had everything under control when there was an explosion. Johnny was still inside the building, and he was trapped for over an hour before they could get him out. Roy responded to the call, and was there with him the whole time while they tried to find a way to get him free. Roy saved his life, Shannon... he was there when Johnny needed him most.”

Shannon knew that what she had said about Roy wasn’t fair, and now she felt even worse for saying it.

“Johnny has a fractured pelvis and a fractured femur,” Dixie continued, “those injuries caused him to lose a lot of blood before they could get him out. They couldn’t get to him to treat him for so long that he went into shock from the blood loss.” Dixie decided to spare Shannon the details right now of how many times they had almost lost him in the operating room. “They operated on him for four hours to try to stop the bleeding and set the bones and get him stabilized.”

Having picked up things from being around Johnny, and from what she learned from her own in-depth first aid training for her job, Shannon understood how serious his condition was, but if he had made it through surgery....

“He will be all right, won’t he Dixie?”

The truth? Dixie really didn’t know for sure.

“I’d like to think so, Shannon. He’s been in here more times than we care to think about, and he’s always come through before.” Dixie was surprised at the look Shannon gave her.

“Johnny’s been hurt before? I mean, he told me about the time he got hit by the car... and when he passed out and hit his head that time... but there’ve been other things?”

Thinking maybe this was territory she shouldn’t cover right now, Dixie tried to think of how she could best extricate her foot from her mouth, and decided to simply avoid answering, choosing instead to explain to Shannon what she was going to see when she got to ICU.

“Shannon, I need to explain a few more things before we go up to see Johnny. If you’ve never been in an intensive care unit before, it can be a little unnerving the first time you go in. It’s not like a regular hospital room. There are a lot of machines and monitors and the patients are watched very closely. It’s usually really quiet, unless they have an emergency, then things can get pretty crazy. You have to be sure to stay out of their way if anything happens.”

Shannon nodded, but Dixie’s warning scared her.

“Johnny's breathing is being assisted by a ventilator. Sometimes they do that just to give the patient a chance to rest and let the body concentrate on what needs healing. In his case, it’s to do that, but he’s also having some trouble breathing on his own. He’s hooked up to a heart monitor, and has several IVs going. Now, his leg and hip are only in a partial cast and he’s heavily bandaged, so you’ll need to be real careful around him and not bump anything. They won’t put a full cast on until they’re sure the bleeding has stopped, and the swelling goes down.”

Shannon interrupted her for a minute, asking if Johnny was in a lot of pain.

Dixie realized then that Shannon thought he had been awake... she had said earlier that she needed to talk to him. “Shannon, Johnny hasn’t regained consciousness since yesterday -- Roy said he was awake and talking for a little while, but he was out again before they ever brought him out of the warehouse. He isn’t feeling anything right now.”

The phone rang, startling them both, and Dixie got up to answer it. Shannon heard her ask some questions, but she was mostly quiet, listening to the voice on the other end of the line. She hung up and sat back down, trying to hide her worry.

“That was Dr. Brackett. Apparently Johnny has had several other complications during the night.” Problems Johnny really doesn’t need right now, she thought. “You see, sometimes after injuries like his and with this type of surgery, it’s not uncommon for blood clots to form. They’ve been monitoring him closely, but the symptoms are harder to detect when the patient is unconscious. A small clot broke free and traveled to his lungs. Dr. Brackett said it was touch-and-go for a little while, but they got him stabilized again... they’ve started him on drug therapy to help dissolve this one, and hopefully prevent any more clots from forming.”

“Am I still going to be able to see him?” Shannon’s anxiety level had gone up tenfold.

“You will... in just a little while.” Dixie drew in a breath. There was more.

“Do you remember I told you that Johnny was having some trouble breathing on his own?” Dixie reached out to touch Shannon’s hand when she saw the fear mounting in her eyes.

“That’s because there’s some fluid in his lungs.... He breathed in a lot of smoke and dust particles, and lord knows what else, while he was trapped.... And, the embolism made the fluid buildup worse, so they’ve had to insert a chest tube to help drain his lungs.”

Shannon was beginning to understand why Roy had pleaded with her to hurry. “How much longer do I have to wait to see him, Dixie?”

“Dr. Brackett said to give them another 15 minutes to get him settled again. He’s going to arrange it so that you can stay with Johnny for a little while. Shannon, there are some other things you need to know, though. You can stay with him, but don’t expect much privacy. There will be doctors and nurses in and out all the time, and if they ask you to step aside or go to the waiting room, you need to do what they ask. And you’re not going to be able to stay with him overnight.”

Shannon assured her that she would do everything they asked, as long as they let her see him.

Dixie knew that she had told Shannon what she needed to know about Johnny's condition, but she was leaving out the worst part, knowing there was little she could say to ward off the shock Shannon was going to feel when she actually saw him.

Taking her time washing out their coffee cups, Dixie worried about Shannon too, and wondered if she was going to be able to handle the emotional strain... she seemed a little fragile herself right now. Dixie checked her watch one more time, then touched Shannon gently on the shoulder.

“Are you ready?” Dixie asked softly.

Taking a deep breath, Shannon stood up too. “I’ve been ready for hours, Dixie. I need to see him.”

* * * * * * * *

Dixie introduced Shannon to the ICU nurses. Brackett had already left the floor, but had let them know that outside of hospital staff, the only two visitors Johnny would be allowed to have today were Shannon and Roy, and even they were to be limited to daytime visitation only. They wouldn’t like it, but it was as much for their own benefit as Johnny's. They all had a long road in the days ahead, and he didn’t want two more patients to worry about.

Shannon shivered. It was colder here than it had been downstairs. Dixie explained that it helped keep down the risk of infection, but Shannon wondered to herself how many people caught pneumonia in the meantime.

The ICU didn’t exactly have individual rooms, as quick access to critical patients was far more important than privacy, but there were curtained, partitioned areas that served as rooms, and Dixie led the way to his bed.

The first thing Shannon saw were pillows -- a sea of pillows surrounded him, blocking her view of all but his dark hair. She stopped before going in, looking to Dixie for an explanation.

“They have pillows underneath his right side to take the pressure off his leg and hip, and to keep him cushioned from any jostling that might happen when they’re examining him.”

Shannon moved slowly toward the bed, taking in the machines and IVs that Dixie had told her about. It looked a lot more scary in person than it did just hearing about it.

Dixie heard the sharp intake of breath and saw Shannon put her hands to her mouth when she finally got a look at him.

Shannon thought she must surely be in the wrong room. That wasn’t Johnny lying there. She had seen him a week ago and this was not the same man. She backed up and looked at Dixie, pleading with her to tell her this was all some terrible mistake.

Dixie thought Shannon was going to faint, and put her arm around her waist to steady her. Even though Dixie knew exactly what to expect, seeing him this way took its’ toll on her, too.

Except for the dark circles under his eyes from the after-effects of the shock and the anesthetic..., Johnny was so pale, he almost blended in with the sheets and pillowcases. And, except for the machine helping him breathe, there was no movement at all. There were IVs in his arms, and a tube was hanging down the side of the bed with a mixture of fluid and blood slowly dripping through it. The machines told her he was alive, but she was having a hard time believing it. Shannon gathered her courage and moved closer, instinctively reaching out for his hand, thinking it would reassure her if she could just touch him, but she quickly drew away again. His hand was like ice, and it frightened her all over again. He looked and felt like a ghost. She felt dizzy and thought she was going to faint.

Dixie helped her step outside for a minute. Shannon leaned against the wall and closed her eyes, drawing deep breaths to calm herself down. She didn’t know if she would be able to go back in there again. The elevator door opened at the other end of the hallway, and Roy stepped off and hurried toward them. He almost panicked at the sight of Shannon standing there looking like she was ready to fall apart, but Dixie quickly let him know everything was all right.

Roy looked exhausted. It was obvious he hadn’t slept, and had come straight from work, still in his uniform. It wasn’t yet eight o’clock... since Roy had switched shifts with Dwyer to begin with, the captain called to see if Dwyer could come in early to relieve Roy. He had been only too willing.

“Roy, it’s okay.” Dixie reassured him. “She just saw Johnny and it was quite a shock. She’s going to be fine, she just wasn’t prepared to see him like this. I don’t think any of us can be... that goes for you too. Roy, Johnny developed an embolism in the middle of the night, but they’ve got him on heparin now to try to resolve it, and they think it’s going to be okay. They’ve also inserted a chest tube to drain the fluid in his lungs.”

Dixie knew Roy had seen it all before, but it was different when it was someone you knew, someone you cared about so deeply. The lines of worry deepened across his forehead at this latest news, but he didn’t want to say anything that would upset Shannon further.

“Thanks, Dix.... I’d like to go see him now, if that’s okay?” Roy walked over to Shannon and started talking to her quietly.

Dixie left them to go downstairs and get ready to start her day. They were holding each other, drawing strength from each other, and as she got into the elevator she saw them disappear into his room together, hand-in-hand.

* * * * * * * *

Roy tried to convince Shannon to come home with him to get some rest. Joanne wanted her to stay with them, but Shannon declined, and Roy eventually left. He was so tired he couldn’t stand up. There was nothing he could do here, and he needed to be with his family for a while. Even though they wouldn’t let her stay in the room with Johnny that night, Shannon ended up sleeping in the waiting room, stubbornly refusing to leave the hospital.

She had a long phone conversation with Brian that evening. He had been more understanding than any man had reason to be, and told her he hoped Johnny would be all right. He told her to stay as long as she needed, and that he would be waiting for her when she came home.

Shannon was an emotional wreck. There were so many things to consider now, but she was too exhausted to think straight. Her decisions would have to be put on hold until Johnny got better and they had a chance to talk things over.

The chairs in the ICU waiting room were no better than the ones in the ER, but she was willing to suffer any discomfort to be near him, and she spent a restless night outside his room, keeping watch as the nurses kept a constant eye on his condition.

When Roy returned on Monday morning, there were several doctors, including Brackett, in with Johnny, and he found Shannon nervously pacing in the waiting room. Even though this was a “routine” visit by the doctors, they had been in there with him for a long time.

Shannon thought Roy looked like she felt. If he had slept at all, it didn’t show. He insisted that after they talked to the doctors, she join him in the cafeteria for some breakfast. She didn’t argue, and wanted to talk to him privately anyway. Dixie had said he had been with Johnny in the building and that they had talked while they waited to pull him out. Shannon needed to know what Johnny had said.

The doctors finally left Johnny, and Roy and Shannon both stood up to talk to Dr. Brackett when he came toward them. His brows were knit in a deep frown, and he told them both to sit down again, and he did the same.

“It looks like we have some good news and some bad news,” he started, “the good news is that it looks like he isn’t bleeding any more, and while his blood pressure is still very low, it has stabilized. His lungs are sounding a little clearer, but we’re going to keep the chest tube in for a while longer and keep him on the vent. He still isn’t breathing on his own yet.”

And that was the good news? Shannon wondered.

“The bad news is that his kidney functions seem to be impaired, and we’re going to have to keep a close eye on him. That’s not really a surprise given the amount of blood he lost and how long he was in shock, but we were hoping we wouldn’t have to deal with this. For now, all I can tell you is that we’re going to continue to monitor him closely and hope for some sign of improvement soon.”

Kelly Brackett watched their expressions, and wondered how much they knew about the decisions Johnny had made three months earlier. He had a feeling Johnny hadn’t told either one of them anything.

After Brackett left, Roy and Shannon spent a few minutes with Johnny, mostly to reassure themselves he was still with them. He didn’t look any different than he had yesterday... he hadn’t moved and the machine was still breathing for him. It was hard to see him this way, and after a few difficult minutes, they decided they could leave for a little while to get something to eat.

Roy had eaten at home and just got some coffee, but insisted that Shannon get some food. She hadn’t eaten recently and was hungry, but after seeing Johnny again, really had no appetite. She got a muffin, some fruit, some juice, and they chose a table in the corner of the patio where they could have a private conversation.

“Roy, how are Joanne and the kids doing?” Shannon had hoped Joanne would come to the hospital with Roy this morning. She had been such a good friend to her in spite of what she had done to Johnny.

Roy sighed heavily. “We told the kids last night about Johnny. Joanne and I talked it over and we decided they should know, just in case. They both took it really hard, so we let them stay home from school today. Chris won’t come out of his room, and Jennifer cried herself to sleep last night. When we got up this morning, we found Jen had pulled out every stuffed animal Johnny’s ever given her from her closet and had them all in bed with her. She wanted me to bring one of them and give it to him -- she said he’d know why she picked that one. I didn’t want to tell her I couldn’t give it to him, so I left it in the car for now.”

Shannon knew that it must have devastated Jennifer when they told her. Johnny had told her about their conversation when Jennifer was in the hospital after her accident, and she suspected that Winnie-the-Pooh was waiting in the car for him.

“Joanne wanted to come today, but she couldn’t leave the kids home alone. She wants you to come and stay with us tonight. You know Brackett’s gonna to make you leave, and you really should get some rest. Johnny’s going to need you when he wakes up, you know.” Roy hesitated a little when he said that, and he suddenly realized felt a little uncomfortable around Shannon. It was true she had dropped everything and come right away when he called, yet she was the one who had walked out on Johnny and was getting ready to marry someone else, and Roy didn’t know if she planned to stay. He still wasn’t quite sure what had happened between them.

“Roy, I appreciate that.... I really do. But I think I’d like to spend the night at Johnny's house tonight. I can’t explain it, but I need to go there. Please... tell Joanne I said thanks, and that I’ll call her. I’d like to talk to her about a few things anyway.”

Shannon nibbled on her muffin, and Roy took a sip of his coffee.

Shannon felt a little awkward asking, but she had to know. "Dixie told me that Johnny was conscious for a little while and that you had a chance to talk to him. Did he... did he say anything, Roy? I mean... about me... us?"

It wasn't that Roy didn't want to tell her.... It's just that what Johnny had asked him to tell her had sounded like such a final farewell, and remembering how he felt when he figured out Johnnys' last words to him, he stalled.

"Shannon... you have to understand that Johnny was barely conscious and in a lot of pain, and wasn't really making sense...."

"Roy... please... just tell me what he said," she quietly urged him.

It was harder to repeat the words than it had been to hear them. "He said... he said to tell you that he was sorry for breaking his promise to you. He asked me to tell you that he wanted to keep it, and that he tried. He asked me to tell you he was sorry."

Johnny had made a lot of promises, but she knew exactly which one he meant. It was the promise he made when he left Colorado... that he would come back for her one day, and that when he did, he would never leave her again. What he said made perfect sense to her.

Just as Roy had finally understood, Shannon realized what Johnny must have been thinking when he asked Roy to tell her that. He thought he would never have the chance to tell her himself. He thought he was going to die. She buried her face in her hands, and her heart cried for what a terrible moment that must have been for him.

"Shannon," Roy pulled her hands away and held them in his, "the last thing he asked me to tell you was... he wanted you to know that he loved you."

Neither one of them missed the fact that he had just used the past tense. They silently thought about his final words to each of them, both feeling the weight of their own guilt... hers for refusing to listen to Johnny when he had called... his for refusing to listen when Johnny had tried to say good-bye.

Trying to dispel their growing despondency, she whispered, "Thank you for telling me, Roy."

They both sat back and stared at the barely touched food and the cold coffee sitting on the table in front of them, not sure what more to say.

Roy finally asked the question that had been on his mind. “Shannon... I know it’s really none of my business, so you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to... but... what happened between you and Johnny? I think we all thought that someday... you know... you and Johnny would finally get together. I don’t know if you knew it or not, but Johnny was planning to ask you to marry him when you were here last week, but I guess you didn’t give him the chance.”

He could see the tears pool in her eyes. “No, Roy, I didn’t know that. He never said a word. You’re right... I didn’t give him a chance, but how was I supposed to know? I wish... I wish he had said something, but he just shut me out after I told him that I was going to get married. Not that I blame him, but if he had just said something, or told me, it might have made a difference.”

“But why, Shannon? What happened before that... why did you decide to marry someone else?”

This was very personal, and her first reaction was that she didn’t have to explain herself to him. Shannon was a little surprised that Joanne wouldn’t have told him. But Roy was Johnny's best friend, and maybe she owed him the truth.... from her point of view anyway.

“When I was here for Chet's funeral, it was the first time I’d seen Johnny in almost a year. He never seemed to be able to find the time to come see me, but when he needed me, I dropped everything and came. Johnny got really drunk that night, and said a lot of things that really hurt me. It got old, always being there because he needed something from me, not because he wanted me. There were plenty of times when I needed him too, but he was never there. Brian was. I’m not made of stone, Roy, I have wants and needs too, but Johnny never seemed to know that.”

“Did you ever tell him?”

“Tell him what?”

“That you needed him? I’d like to think that Johnny would have dropped everything, too, to be with you, if you had asked him. Did you?”

Shannon was surprised by Roy's forthrightness.

“No... no, I guess I just expected him to know. He just should have known.”

“I don’t want you to misunderstand... Johnny rarely talked to me about anything personal between the two of you, but it’s always been obvious how he feels about you. He’s always admired your independence and your ability to deal with things head on. But, I think he’s always been a little intimidated by it too. You’ve seen for yourself that his reaction to serious stress can be a little over the top. It’s a weakness he doesn’t want you to see. He doesn’t think you need him as much as he needs you, and it worries him. Sometimes, Shannon, a man wants to be told he’s needed too.”

Shannon was quiet for a long time. Roy thought he had overstepped his bounds, and apologized.

“No, Roy, it’s okay. To be honest with you, I think I never told Johnny I needed him because I didn’t want him to give up what he was doing to be with me. Did Johnny ever say anything about my father to you?”

Roy shook his head no, wondering what her father had to do with this.

“My dad and Johnny never got along. At first, I thought it was a ‘dad’ thing, you know... no one would ever be good enough for his little girl. But later I realized it was because he was jealous of Johnny... he was young and carefree, and doing what he loved without any ties. My dad was like that once, but he gave it all up to settle down and raise a family, and Johnny reminded him of the things he could have done if he had made other choices. Johnny always thought my dad had a martyr complex, and that I was his victim. It was the only thing that ever came between us, and when my dad died, Johnny just couldn't understand why I wanted to leave LA and move around so much.

Roy tended to grow impatient with people who didn’t just get right to the point. Johnny did that all the time, and it drove him nuts. Joanne had taught him to be patient, so he thought he’d just be quiet and hope that Shannon eventually got around to explaining what this had to do with her and Johnny.

“My dad and I used to go camping together a lot when I was little. We’d sit around the campfire at night and he’d tell me all about the places he had been before he married my mom, and all the places he had planned to see, but was never able to. Somewhere along the line, I guess I thought that it was kind of my fault that he gave up all his dreams because of me and my mom. He never said that, but I just couldn’t help think if I hadn’t come along, he would have gotten to do all the things he dreamed of. And then, just when the time came that I was grown up and ready to leave home, and he had the time and money to go, he died, and never got the chance to fulfill his dreams.”

Shannon paused to take a drink of juice before she finished explaining.

“I thought I owed it to my father to do for him what he wasn’t able to do for himself... travel around the country and see all the things he wanted to see. Johnny just couldn’t understand why I wanted to do that, and he left me, before I moved away.”

Shannon spoke more quietly now, as though finally admitting something more to herself than to Roy.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about all this the last few days. I know now it was about more than just doing that for my dad. Johnny's job scared me, and he always seemed so... nonchalant... about how dangerous it was. I was so afraid that something would happen to him, that I decided I couldn’t stay with him, not knowing when he left the house in the morning if I’d ever see him again. I knew how much Johnny loved his job, and I couldn’t have asked him to give it up. I felt I was responsible for my dad giving up his dreams.... I couldn’t be responsible for doing that to Johnny, too.”

Roy shook his head in amazement. “Johnny never thought he could ask you to give up your job either because he knew how important it was to you. Joanne told me once that you and Johnny were so busy trying to stay out of the way of each others dreams that you couldn’t see you were each other's dream. I think I finally see what she meant. You know, you and Johnny really are the perfect pair... both of you trying to be so noble and sacrifice what you really wanted in life to protect the other.”

Shannon got defensive at that point. “What did Johnny ever give up for me? Certainly not his job. I’ve never asked him to sacrifice anything for me.”

“I think he gave up more than you know, Shannon.... He gave up the one thing he wants most in life... the chance to have a family again. I don’t think Johnny can picture himself spending the rest of his life with anyone except you, but he knew to do that, he would have to give up his job, and as much as he wants to be with you, he can’t do that. It means too much to him in ways you’ll probably never be able to understand. He was hoping that once he made captain, you’d be less nervous about it, and thought maybe the two of you would have been able to work it out this time. But you never gave him the chance.”

“It wasn’t all my fault, Roy... I gave him plenty of opportunities. Johnny never once asked me to stay, and he never asked me to marry him. He wasn’t willing to take the chance that I might say yes.”

Wanting to ease the growing tension between them, Shannon changed the subject. There was something Roy had just said that made her curious.

“Roy, you just said that Johnny wanted to have a family again. Do you know something about his family that you could tell me? I know this sounds ridiculous, but Johnny has never told me anything about his parents, or where he grew up, or what his life was like when he was a kid. I was never sure if I should even ask about it, I just figured if he wanted me to know, he’d tell me. But he never did.”

Roy shifted uncomfortably in his chair. The things Johnny told him that night were shared in confidence, and if Johnny hadn’t shared his past with Shannon of all people, then Roy wasn’t sure Johnny would want her to know now.

“Please, Roy. I’d like to know.”

Roy decided that telling her couldn’t hurt anything now, and that maybe it would help her understand some things about Johnny, just like it had helped him.

“Well, for one thing, it’s not as ridiculous as it sounds. I’m his best friend, and I’ve known Johnny almost as long as you have, and he’s only talked to me about his family one time. It was right after he got back from his trip to Colorado for Christmas a few years ago. He was really depressed about whatever happened between the two of you, and I guess he just needed to talk that night. I don’t think he told me everything, and he’s never mentioned it again. I was like you, I just figured if there was anything more he’d want me to know he’d tell me.”

“So, tell me, what did he say?” Shannon had always wondered why Johnny never talked about it.

Roy stood up to stretch his legs. “I’d like to go get another cup of coffee first. Can I get you anything?”

“No, Roy, thanks.” Shannon allowed herself a small smile. Roy hadn’t even finished the cup of coffee he was holding.

He was gone for a little while, and when he came back he told her he had called up to ICU and was told there was still no change in Johnny's condition. Roy put the coffee cup down on the table in front of him, trying to decide where to start.

“A lot of us thought that Johnny never talked about his family or his childhood because he had some deep, dark secret he didn’t want us to know about. He’d mentioned a few things... that he’d grown up on a reservation and that he’d lived on a ranch, but nothing more than that. We were all pretty curious, but there was just something about Johnny that made us respect his privacy about it. From what he told me that night, it sounded like he actually had a pretty normal life as a kid. His mom was a teacher at the reservation school... that’s where she and his dad met. I guess her folks weren’t too happy that she chose to marry an Indian and live on the reservation, but they eventually accepted it. I guess some of the rest of her family wasn’t as forgiving. Johnny said that he spent a lot of time with his grandparents and that they were pretty close. But... he and his folks lived on a ranch on the reservation, and his dad and his uncle raised cattle and some horses on government-owned land.”

Roy took a few sips of coffee before continuing.

"Johnny said he was a little wild in his teenage years, but he tried to keep out of trouble. He decided that as soon as he graduated from high school, he was going to leave the reservation, and didn't want any problems that would hold him there. He said he was a really good student, but he didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life... he just knew he didn’t want to stay on the reservation. I guess that kind of strained his relationship with his dad, but his mom was pretty supportive of him. He said the biggest problem he had growing up was that life on the reservation was really boring, and that there wasn't much to do, so I guess he and his friends did a lot of… uh, what he called recreational drinking at a really young age. Johnny said they did a lot of stupid, reckless things, but never anything that got them into serious trouble."

He remembered the look on Johnny's face when he told him what had happened.

“When he was seventeen, just before the end of his junior year in high school, his parents were killed in an automobile accident.”

Shannon whispered under her breath, “I didn’t know.”

“You know, he really didn’t tell me much about the accident itself... just that it changed his life overnight. I’m sure there was more to the story than what he was telling me... he said that he lost more than just his parents that night... he said he lost his whole family and all his friends because of the accident, but he wouldn’t or couldn’t explain that, so I didn’t press him for details.”

“I guess the city's local fire department responded to the scene of the accident, and everything they did for his parents that night convinced him that that’s what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. It’s why he chose to be a rescue man, and then joined the paramedics when he realized he could do even more. I think he felt it was his way of remembering his parents.... You know, to do for others what those firemen had done for them.”

As tragic as that all was, it still didn’t seem reason enough for Johnny to have kept that to himself. Roy and Shannon both wondered what was missing from the story.

“Shannon, I think he told me about it because of what happened between you two in Colorado. He was pretty torn up because he felt guilty that he put his job ahead of his life with you, but it was too important to his memory of his parents to give it up.”

Shannon nodded her head in understanding. She really wished that Johnny had told her about his parents, but even more she wished she had asked.

Shannon and Roy had talked for several hours. There really wasn’t more to tell, but given it was Johnny's personal life they were talking about, they had said a lot.

Lost in thought for a while, they realized neither of them had more to say, so they got up and went back to the ICU. The two of them spent the rest of the day in and out of his room, thinking about what they had talked about, hoping that Johnny would wake up soon.

There had been no change, although the doctors were increasingly concerned and monitoring his kidney function more closely. Brackett insisted that Roy and Shannon leave the hospital and get some sleep. He promised he’d let them know if anything developed, but Kelly Brackett really didn’t expect he’d have to make the call tonight.

* * * * * * * *

Shannon opened the door and stepped inside. She didn’t turn the lights on right away. She just stood there in the entry way in his house, wanting to feel his presence in the darkness. It was chilly and silent and he wasn’t there.

She reluctantly turned on the lights and went into the kitchen to see if he had anything to eat in the refrigerator. He did, but nothing appealed to her. She decided to make a pot of coffee.

Turning on a lamp in the den, she saw a newspaper spread out on the coffee table in front of the couch, and on it lay the broken pieces of something he had obviously been trying to glue back together. The phone was on the floor next to the table, and a half-finished cup of cold coffee sat beside it. This is where he had spent his last night at home... this is what he was doing when he called her. She looked around and saw no signs that he’d been drinking anything but coffee. She felt ashamed that she had assumed that he was and had hung up on him.

Shannon sat down on the couch to get a better look at what he was working on. She finally figured it out -- it was a music box, a carousel -- she remembered seeing it on the bookcase, thinking it was out of place, an oddly feminine thing for Johnny to own and display. Maybe it had been a gift from Jennifer, or someone else she didn’t know. She knew now it was what had broken when she threw the book at him, and it surprised her that he would have kept it and tried to put it back together. The pieces of the carousel horse still lay on the table, untouched, as though he hadn’t been able to find a way to put it back the way it was.

She picked up the wooden base and turned it over to see if she could wind it up and if it would still play. There was something written on the bottom, and she recognized the writing, done with a black felt pen, as his. She held it to the light to read the simple inscription and felt her heart break all over again when she realized what this was.

Happy Birthday, Mom

Love always, Johnny

Shannon sat there and stared at the pieces for a long time. She finally got up and poured a cup of coffee, and brought it back to the den. She noticed that the tape player was still on... the stop button had been pushed, but the power left on. She pushed the play button to hear what Johnny had been listening to, and recognized the singer and the song that he had stopped halfway through. She looked into the cold and empty fireplace as she listened to the rest of it.

Love won’t come to me, she don’t even hear me
She walks by my vacancy sign
Love needs a heart, trusting and blind
I wish that heart was mine....

Proud and alone, cold as a stone
I’m afraid to believe the things that I feel
I can cry with the best, laugh with the rest
But I’m never sure when it’s real
And it may be the hardest thing I’ve ever done
But apart from all that I hope to find
Where’s the heart that’s been lookin’ for mine?

I hope it finds me in time

Shannon turned off the music and sat down and picked up the glue, determined to put the pieces back together the way they once were, and drank the coffee... hoping it was indeed the glue Dixie said it was that would hold her together through this night.

It was 2 AM when she finished. The cracks were still evident, and it looked very fragile. But it was whole again, and she placed it carefully back in the spot on the bookcase where it belonged. She wanted to show Johnny she had fixed it... had fixed what she had so carelessly broken. She wanted him to forgive her for everything she had broken that day... the carousel... her promise... his heart.

Shannon wanted to be back at the hospital as early as possible, and knew she should try to get a few hours of sleep and a shower first. She went into his bedroom and was overwhelmed again by how much it reminded her of everything that was special about Johnny. She didn’t know what it was, but she almost wished she would never have to leave this room. He was here in everything she saw and touched.

She had packed in such a hurry, that she hadn’t remembered to bring a lot of things. She looked to find one of his T-shirts that she could slip into, and came across several sweaters, folded and stored in the bottom drawer of the antique wooden chest that had belonged to his grandparents. She pulled out the familiar one -- he had been wearing it that Christmas morning they had taken the hike. She closed her eyes and held it to her face and smelled it, bringing back memories of laying close to him and holding him and loving him... memories she would take with her to his bed tonight... memories that would keep her warm, even though she was all alone.

* * * * * * * *

It had been another long day of waiting. Roy and Shannon nervously sat down in the chairs across the desk from Kelly Brackett. Joe Early stood behind him. It was never a good sign when the doctors invited you into the office for a talk. Dr. Brackett, ever the professional, started the conversation.

“I know you’re both aware that Johnny is still in critical condition, and that things haven’t been going well since he was brought in. You know, if all we were dealing with here were the bone fractures, I’d tell you that Johnny would have an excellent chance at a full recovery, and that he’d be back on the job in 7 or 8 months. But there have been so many complications from the massive blood loss and the resulting shock, that he’s getting worse instead of better. His blood tests indicate a high concentration of creatinine in his system, and his urine output has been steadily decreasing, indicating that his kidneys are continuing to shut down. He hasn’t been able to breathe on his own for three days now, and just a little while ago we noted that his temperature was slightly elevated. We think it’s a result of his kidney problems, but we’re running some tests to make sure we’re not dealing with a secondary infection from the injuries or the operation.”

“So just what are you trying to say, Dr. Brackett?” Roy asked, not wanting to hear the answer. “Are you giving up on him? There must be something more you can do.”

“Roy, Joe and I agree that we have done all that’s humanly and medically possible to keep him alive, but the time has come when we have to make some decisions. We just want you both to know what we’re facing here.”

Shannon couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “But, there’s time isn’t there? He’s going to get better soon.... He just needs more time.”

Brackett was fumbling with a piece of paper in his hands. “I’m afraid Johnny hasn’t given us any more time. I think maybe the two of you need to read this letter.”

Roy took it from him, as Shannon leaned over to read it along with him. It was a notarized letter. Roy recognized Johnny's signature, and below that the signatures of Hank Stanley and Rick Wilson as witnesses. Johnny hadn’t mentioned anything to him about talking to Chaplain Wilson recently, but then it made sense that he would have sought him out again after Chet died. Johnny had been pretty close to going over the edge, and someone had to help him back.

Brackett and Early were silent while they watched the color drain from the faces of the two people sitting in front of them.

Roy looked at Shannon and could see she was as shocked as he was. He handed the letter back to Brackett.

“Why would Johnny do this?” Roy's voice was shaking.

Joe Early sat down on the edge of the desk to explain. “Johnny came to us shortly after Chet's funeral and was asking a lot of questions and wanted our advice about some things. We were kind of surprised ourselves by what he wanted to do, so we literally had to force him to tell us why.”

“I assume both of you are aware that his parents were killed in a car accident when he was seventeen?” Brackett asked the question, and got nods of affirmation from both Shannon and Roy.

“Did he tell you how it happened? Did you know that his mother didn’t die right away? That it took almost a week after the accident...?”

Neither one spoke, but their faces gave him the answer. “I didn’t think so... it was hard enough to get him to tell us about it.”

“I guess the accident happened the night before his mom's birthday. His folks had been at a surprise party at a friend's house, and were driving back home in the dark when a car driving without the headlights on hit them head-on. Some of the kids in the other car were badly injured too.... The police told Johnny it looked like his father had died instantly, but that his mom had lain there for several hours before she got help. The sad thing is that the car that hit them was driven by one of Johnny's friends.... I guess a group of them had been out drinking and stole a car to take a joyride. Johnny said he probably would have been in that car with his friends, except that he had stayed in town after school to buy a birthday present for his mother, and by the time he got home, his buddies had already taken off.”

Shannon thought of the carousel and his pained reaction when she had broken it. She knew now that she had broken far more than just a music box, far more than an ordinary birthday present. Brackett waited and watched to make sure she was ready to hear the rest. The look on her face was one of pure anguish.

“When they got his mom to the hospital, she was still alive, but had a lot of internal injuries and didn’t have much of a chance. The doctors did what they had to do to try to save her. By the next day, they told Johnny that they didn’t think she would make it, but couldn’t take her off life support unless someone in the family authorized it. They wouldn’t let Johnny make that decision because he was only seventeen. Apparently his family couldn’t agree on what to do, and it took almost a week before his grandfather finally realized there was nothing more they could do, and let them take her off. I guess it didn’t take long after that. It seems the whole thing caused a tremendous rift in his family, but he really wouldn’t elaborate more.”

Roy was stunned. Johnny had left all that out the night he had told him about his parents’ accident.

“But I don’t see what that has to do with Johnny's letter?” It wasn’t hard to make the connection, but Roy refused to see it.

“Roy... John was determined that if anything like that ever happened to him, he wanted to make sure that he wasn’t kept alive on machines when there was no hope he would get better.” Joe Early spoke now. “He begged his family to let his mother die in peace and with dignity, and that’s what he wants for himself. You know, at first he said he was going to make this a DNR request, but we argued with him for a long time, and he finally agreed not to, but we couldn’t talk him out of making this decision.”

“DNR?” Shannon asked.

“Do not rescuitate.” Brackett explained. Johnny wouldn’t be with them now if they hadn’t convinced him otherwise.

They were all silent for a minute while Roy and Shannon recalculated the number of days it had been.

“What are you going to do now?” Roy asked angrily.

The day they pulled Johnny out of the warehouse and brought him into the ER, Roy had been prepared for the worst. But now that he had hung on for several days, Roy had begun to think that Johnny would find a way to pull through. Johnny wasn’t much of a poker player, but he was a gambler and a risk-taker, and Roy had figured if anyone could cheat death at its’ own game, it would be Johnny. And now they were telling him that Johnny had decided throw in his cards and walk away without seeing it through to the end.

Johnny himself had just taken away the glimmer of hope Roy had allowed himself to feel. He was angry, thinking it wasn’t fair of Johnny to do this without warning, and Roy didn’t want to let him go without a fight.

Brackett could see what was going through Roy's mind, but he wasn’t going to argue with him about it.

“John made it pretty clear that if he wasn’t able to hold his own after 72-hours, he wanted the machines turned off. As his doctor and his friend, I tried to talk him out of that, but that’s what he insisted on. It’s what he wanted. You saw it for yourself in that letter. As much as I disagreed with him then, I think we have to respect his wishes now.”

This was a touchy subject, and the legality of the letter could be questionable, but Brackett felt he would be doing a tremendous dishonor to Johnny to ignore what he wanted. He had understood the importance of this request to John, and had given him his word he’d follow it. He had hoped to never have to look at the letter again, especially not so soon.

Shannon had been listening and was angry too, echoing Roy's unspoken thoughts. “Why would Johnny do this to us? Why wouldn’t he give himself a chance?”

Joe Early sympathized and wished he could have convinced Johnny to do otherwise, but he too had understood how he felt, and in the end there had been no changing his mind about it.

“Johnny didn’t do this to you, Shannon. He did it for you... he did it for both of you.”

“What do you mean... he did it for us?” Shannon didn’t understand how that one worked.

“Johnny told us that the two of you mean more to him than anyone else on this earth, and he wanted to make sure that neither of you felt you had any responsibility in making a decision like this. He wanted it to be his choice, and his alone. He told us that if they sold stock in guilt-complexes, that you two would own the market, and he wasn’t about to leave this on your consciences. He also said that after he watched his family get torn apart by what happened with his mother, that he would rather the two of you be mad at him the rest of your lives, than be mad at each other.”

Their anger evaporated, and utter helplessness took its place. Shannon wept openly, and Roy just stared at his hands and chewed his lower lip. The 72-hours were up. The doctors looked at each other, and tried to finish what they had set out to tell them in the first place.

“Kel and I agree that we’re both too close to this to make this decision by ourselves. We’ve talked it over with the other doctors on his case, and have decided to wait another 12 hours to see if anything changes between now and morning. There’s not a lot more that we can do for him. It’s in someone else’s hands now, and we’ll just have to wait and see what the final outcome will be.” Joe Early closed his weary eyes and rubbed his aching temples.

There was nothing more to say.

* * * * * * * *

Dixie finally found Shannon in the chapel sitting alone in quiet contemplation, and went to sit down beside her. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Shannon started talking.

“You know, Dixie, I’ve always thought I was a strong person. I’ve never been one to cry much, but I feel like I’ve cried a lifetime of tears in just this one week.”

Dixie knew exactly what she meant.

“Dixie, do you believe in miracles?” Shannon asked softly.

“I see them around here every day, Shannon. Sometimes big ones... mostly small ones though, but I think maybe those are the most precious ones of all.” Dixie looked at her. “How about you... do you believe in miracles?”

“I’m not sure. I mean, I’ve never been very religious, but I do believe in God. I just don’t know if I believe that there’s such as thing as a miracle, though... I’m not sure I’ve ever seen one.”

“You know, Shannon, most people don’t see them because they’re looking so hard for the ones they asked for and the ones they want, that they miss seeing the ones that they’ve been given.”

Shannon looked at Dixie, trying to make sense of what she had said.

“Sort of like the one you’ve been given.”

Shannon’s eyes opened wide in surprise. “How did you know?”

Dixie patted the back of her hand. “It’s a gift I have. So tell me, is Brian excited about the baby?”

“I... I haven’t told him yet.”

“Oh? Why not?”

“I only found out myself last week, after I got back from LA. With everything that’s happened, I just haven’t found the right time to tell him yet.”

“Don’t you think he’ll be happy about it?”

“Oh, no Dixie, it’s not that.... Brian wants kids, and he’ll make a great father.... It’s just... it’s just....”

Shannon’s eyes filled with those all-too familiar tears.

“It’s just what, Shannon?”

Dixie could barely hear the whispered response. “The baby isn’t his.”

“I see.” Somehow Dixie wasn’t surprised.

“Does Johnny know?”

Shannon shook her head and tried to pull herself together before answering. It was getting nearly impossible to do that anymore.

“It must have happened when I was here for Chet's funeral. There was so much going on after that, I just assumed... well, I just thought it was something else, and it didn’t occur to me that I could be pregnant. Then when I found out last week, I was going to call Johnny, but it would have changed everything, you know? I would never have kept anything like this from him, but I... I didn’t want him thinking that he had to marry me... it would be for all the wrong reasons. That’s what my dad did... he married my mom because of me, and he gave up all his dreams and his whole life because of it. I couldn't let Johnny do that because of my mistake."

“Shannon, I didn’t know your father, but knowing you, I’ll bet he really never regretted that decision. I do know Johnny, and I don’t think you’re giving him the credit he deserves. I know he’d marry you for all the right reasons... because he loves you and he wants this baby. I don't think he would look at it like he was giving up anything, or that it was a mistake. I think he’d feel like he’s found what he’s been looking for all this time, and that his life was finally complete.”

The whole situation was getting far too complicated for Shannon. She needed to talk to Johnny. She needed him to hold her in his arms and tell her everything would be okay.

“I want to believe that, Dixie. But, I’m supposed to be getting ready to marry another man, and I can’t just forget about him. I didn’t tell Brian yet because I thought Johnny should know first, but I also needed some time to think about what I want, and what would be best for the baby."

Shannon allowed a small smile before her face clouded again. "Dixie, this baby is a boy, I know it is, I just feel it.... You know, one of the reasons Johnny and I never got married is because neither one of us wanted our kids to grow up without a father. And now, it's… it's going to happen anyway."

She was softly crying for the son who would never know his father.

Dixie put her arm around Shannon’s shoulders. “It seems to me that if Brian loves you and is half the guy you say he is, don’t you think he’d be a father to this baby, even if it isn’t his?”

“You know Dixie, he’d be hurt at first... but, you’re right. He’s such a good man, I think he would love this baby like his own.”

“Well then, you don’t have to worry about him growing up without a father.” Even as she said it, Dixie was picturing Johnny holding his baby, and wanted to cry for the father that would never know his son.

“But I don’t know if that’s what I want. I want this baby... I want this baby to know who his father was... is.... I want him to know all about Johnny, and I don’t know if that would be fair to Brian.”

“You know Shannon, if it comes down to that, it seems to me that you should let Brian be the judge of that. He has a right to be a part of that decision.”

Shannon nodded sadly.

“But, right now, it sounds like you’ve got some things to tell Johnny.”

“But what good will that do now, Dixie? He can’t hear me.”

“You don’t know that Shannon. Besides, maybe... maybe right now, the telling is more important than the hearing.”

Shannon searched for strength she didn’t think she had anymore. “I know you’re right Dixie. It’s just so hard.... Will you go with me? I don’t know if I can do this by myself.”

Dixie nodded, and they got up to leave. When they reached the door, Shannon put her hand on Dixie’s arm, and looked in her eyes for guidance.

“Do you... do you think it would be all right if I still prayed for a miracle?”

Dixie glanced back at the small cross on the wall, then smiled warmly at her young friend.

“Shannon, I think He’d be disappointed if you didn’t.”

* * * * * * * *

Shannon sat by his bedside, looking at Johnny, overcome with guilt that she hadn’t talked to him when he called the night before this happened. She had been so hurt and bitter then, and wondered now if she had just talked to him, if things would have somehow turned out differently. He had needed her, and she had turned him away.

She had broken her promise to wait for him, and she knew she had no right to be angry with him now for breaking his promise never to leave her. Roy had told her what Johnny had said... that he had wanted to keep his promise and that he had tried, and that his last words were that he was sorry he couldn’t. There were so many things she needed to say to him, but it was hard to find the words... hard to know where to begin.

She reached for his hand, and wrapped hers gently around it. His touch had always been so warm, so exciting, and now was so cold and lifeless. She didn’t know if she could do this, and looked at Dixie.

“Just talk to him, Shannon, like you always have. Just imagine him sitting there with that grin on his face, and tell him everything that’s in your heart. He needs to hear it... just as much as you need to say it. Just start, and the words will come.”

Shannon drew in a deep breath and looked at him, trying hard to imagine him as Dixie had said. She squeezed his hand.

“Johnny... I’ve got something to tell you....”

Dixie slipped out of the room, and leaned against the wall outside for a moment, blinking hard to hold back her tears. She thought she had used them all up long ago in a war-torn foreign land, and had resolved she would never cry again... not for anyone. She came close once a few years ago, and again the other night, but had stopped herself before the tears actually fell. She cursed John Gage under her breath for making her break her oath, as years of unshed tears escaped and ran down her cheeks.

* * * * * * * *

Shannon felt the hand rest lightly on her shoulder, and woke up with a start. She looked at Johnny, but he hadn’t moved, and nothing had changed. She looked up at Roy. She had never seen him look so sad.

“Shannon, the doctors are going to be here in about ten minutes. Are you....” Roy swallowed hard. “Are you going to stay when they... when they...?” He couldn’t finish.

Shannon shook her head. “I... I can’t, Roy. I know I should be here... but I just can’t....” She couldn’t believe it was time. She tried hard to remember what Dixie had said about miracles... you didn’t always get what you wanted, and it looked like she was right. But Shannon knew now that a small miracle had happened. A part of Johnny would live on in his son, and she would see to it that his baby would grow up knowing who his father was, and what he was, and how much he was loved by those who knew him.

“Can you stay with him, Roy? He shouldn’t be all alone. I think he’d want you here.”

“I’ll be here, Shannon. He won’t be alone.” Roy went to look out the window to give Shannon a last moment with Johnny, then he would have his. The sun was coming up, and it was going to be a beautiful day.

Shannon looked at Johnny one last time, past the machines, remembering the way he looked when he told her he loved her that first time, wishing she could look in his eyes just once more and tell him again how much she loved him too. A piece of her soul would go with him. She brushed her lips against his cheek and touched his hand, then smoothed his hair back from his forehead and said good-bye, then turned and fled the room.

* * * * * * * *

Lookin’ back on the memory of
The dance we shared ‘neath the stars above
For moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you’d ever say good-bye?

And now... I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment, wasn’t I a king?
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
Hey, who’s to say -- you know I might have chanced it all

And I... I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance

Yes, my life -- it’s better left to chance
I could have missed the pain, but I’d of had to miss
the


dance

* * * * * * * *

Sunlight flooded through the small stained glass windows of the hospital chapel. Shannon had no idea how long she had been waiting before she heard the door open. It could have been minutes... it could have been hours. Time had ceased to exist. Without looking, she knew it was Roy. He called her name, but she couldn’t bear to look at his face -- she didn’t want to see the tears she knew filled his eyes; she couldn’t listen to his voice -- she didn’t want to hear the pain that she knew filled his heart. He called to her again as he came toward her, but she refused to hear him.

The tears she had fought while she waited and prayed for her miracle spilled uncontrollably down her face. The music was over, and Shannon knew that the dance she and Johnny had been destined to share for a lifetime had ended too soon on this bright October morning.

Roy called her name once again, but the room spun and the lights faded as she collapsed in his outstretched arms.

Shannon carefully made her away across the room that was littered with a jumble of brightly colored wrapping paper, boxes, ribbons... and toys and more toys. She sighed at the thought of the weeks of planning and shopping, and the hours spent wrapping things in just the right paper, and tying ribbons and making bows. So much time and effort had gone into getting ready for this morning. By her watch, it had only taken 20 minutes to demolish all her hard work. She loved it.

In the middle of the room sat the gigantic red fire engine that was a gift from Chris and Jennifer. Shannon thought if it was any bigger, it could probably be used at a real fire. The size of the truck, and the amount of noise it made, made her suspect that Roy had a hand in picking it out. No doubt in his mind a little payback was in order for all the years he put up with similar gifts to his kids.

Hearing their shrieks of laughter from outdoors, Shannon went to the front window and looked out to see what they were up to. The small rented cabin sat on the side of the hill, overlooking Big Bear Lake, and the view of the blue sky and the blue lake, with nothing but a blanket of white separating the two, was breathtaking. An early winter snow had graced the Southern California mountains with a beautiful Christmas morning, reminding her once again of Colorado and the most wonderful day of her life. It was the day Johnny had first told her he loved her, and had given her his grandmother's cameo, a little piece of him that she would cherish all her life.

She wore it every day, and every night laid it carefully in the worn red-satin jewelry box just as his grandmother had surely done. Even now her hand reached to touch it, and true to its purpose, the cameo brought him to her, just as he was that night, as it always did. Her eyes filled with tears as she remembered how sweetly they had made love that Christmas night in the Rockies, and promised each other it would always be that way.

So many things had gotten in the way of that promise.

Shannon thought of another night when she sat in his hospital room, holding his hand, forgiving him for not keeping his promise to never leave her. The night she tried so hard to tell him how much she loved him, how sorry she was for hurting him.... The night she told him he was going to have a son.... The night they told her she would have to say good-bye....

The night she had prayed so hard for a miracle.

A chill seeped through the window pane, and she shivered and rubbed her arms to warm herself. She smiled through her tears as she watched her husband and her son try to build what vaguely resembled a snowman. It was hard to believe that Sean was going to be three in March -- it seemed like only yesterday that he had been a tiny, helpless infant in her arms. Everyone said that as he got older, he looked more like Shannon, but it only took spending a few minutes with him to know he was his father's son. It was the boundless energy, the peculiar logic of his thinking, and the smile he already knew how to use on women.

Shannon dried her tears and put away her memories. There would always be the regret for the years she felt she had wasted, not knowing that what would have made her truly happy had always been right in front of her. Dixie had been right about miracles, and she was grateful every day for the ones she had been given.

She loved being a wife, she loved being a mother, and she loved being pregnant. She felt the baby move again, and gently rubbed her stomach in a soothing response. Just like she had known all along that Sean was going to be a boy, she knew this one was going to be a girl.

The door burst open, and along with the sudden rush of cold air, they noisily tumbled in, laughing still at some private joke she had missed out on by staying inside where it was warm. Quickly shedding their jackets and gloves, they headed straight for the fire engine, only to have Shannon stop them.

“Sean, your daddy can’t play right now....”

She wasn’t sure which one of them looked more disappointed. He slipped behind her and nuzzled her neck and wrapped his arms around her in a loving embrace, as though that would get him out of helping her. She rested her head back against his shoulder for a moment, reveling in his closeness.

“... because he promised me he’d help clean up this room first,” she explained as she pointed at the piles of wrapping paper at their feet.

“And, your daddy always keeps his promises...”

She turned in his arms and looked into the eyes of the man she had lost her heart to so many years ago, on those library steps, when he had picked up her books and handed them to her. His arm had brushed hers, and with that single touch, she had fallen forever in love.

“... don’t you, Johnny?”

* * * * * * * *

After all is said and done we need each other
For a million reasons we can’t even name
All our roads still lead to one another
For all we’ve been apart we’re still the same.

Wondering if we’re lost in an illusion
Are we starting now, did we never end?
Our different dreams have reached the same conclusion
And brought us here to fall in love again.

In the honesty of now with you beside me
There’s an ease to love we’ve never known before
And though I know the past in still inside me
I feel as if I’ve never loved you more.

Like the first time, only better
We’re a song that must be sung together
Like the first time, only this time
It could be forever.

* * * * * * * *

Acknowledgments:

I would like to thank all the readers just for reading my stories and for the emails that have encouraged me to pursue this particular story line (yes, writers love emails and they’re so easy to send!). I have truly enjoyed writing these last three stories more than anything else I’ve ever attempted.

There’s a song out there that starts:

Music speaks louder than words
It’s the only thing the whole world listens to....

• Neil Young “Powderfinger” from Live Rust
• Jackson Browne “Love Needs a Heart” from Running On Empty
• Garth Brooks “The Dance” from Garth Brooks (time warped, but such a beautifully sad song that fit the moment so perfectly I had to use it)
• Peter, Paul and Mary “Like the First Time” from Reunion 1978
• The writers and singers of all the sad love songs I listened to for ‘inspiration’ while writing this story. (No offense to them, but I’ve packed them away now, and I’m only going to listen to happy songs for a while!)
• Emergency!Universe - Umm.... I think I’ve run out of words again, but you know what I mean. Make you a deal... I’ll fill in those missing 2-1/2 years at the end of this story, if I can take that break now for just a little while!