EMERGENCY! Stories -- Johnny's Promise

At last, the final (?) Chapter in the Johnny/Shannon romance tale. While I admit I have departed somewhat from the traditional E! Story, you will find almost everyone from the show fondly remembered here in one way or another, as we pick up where they left us. The dialog near the beginning is faithfully borrowed from the uncut version of “Greatest Rescues.”
This one turned out to be a bit emotional (it is ultimately a romance after all), and has another one of those ‘adult’ scenes... but if you read and enjoyed “Will To Survive” and “Christmas in the Rockies”... please have faith and stay with this one to the very last line.
In these tenuous times, we need to believe more than ever that the power of love -- in all its forms -- truly transcends all things in heaven and on earth.

"Johnny's Promise"
BY NanM

Funny, the way time seems to stop in the split-second before all hell breaks loose.

Maybe it’s God's way of giving a person the chance for those final inevitable thoughts to cross the mind.... The chance... to remember the great love of your life one last time... to say good-bye to those who would be left behind... to leave behind the regrets for things unsaid and undone....

To find the courage to look in the face of fear and let it go.

He stared at the big red number twenty-eight painted neatly on the wall in front of him. The number itself had no particular significance here, other than to identify the section of the partitioned maze they called a warehouse where he was standing.

But in that split-second, frozen in time, he knew.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t thoughts of friends or family that first came to mind, though -- instead, the words of a song he had listened to on his way to work this morning found their way into the forefront of his consciousness....

... Red means run, son... numbers add up to nothin’....

Maybe you had to be a firefighter to understand the moment. It was something you felt, before you heard it or saw it coming. In the instant that time stood still, so did he. There was no where to run.

Ironically, the numbers did add up to something. They were the sum total of the years of his life -- a life lived to the fullest, but nonetheless too short -- there were still so many things to do... so many things left to say... so many wrongs to make right....

So many promises to keep.

Just think of me as one you never figured... would fade away so young... with so much left undone....

The brutal fury of the explosion that ripped through the walls and roof of the warehouse sent the unprepared men outside scrambling for cover, as chunks of the building rained down from the sky like an unexpected meteor shower breaching the atmosphere.

Time started again, and with the final tick of the clock, the plaintive lament of the final words of the song played in his head, as the lights mercifully faded to black.

Remember me to my love, I know I’ll miss her....

There were only a few more strums of the guitar, and the song was over.

Johnny turned the page on his calendar. Saturday, September 25, 1978. A day that marked a turning point in his life... a day he would look back on his past and forward to his future. He had recently celebrated his twenty-eighth birthday, and had observed his ten-year anniversary with the Department shortly after that. Today he would cease being a practicing paramedic... today he, and Roy, and a handful of others, would be officially promoted to the rank of Captain.

Captain John Gage, Los Angeles County Fire Department.

He was proud of his accomplishments, and how far he had come in his life. He had worked hard to overcome more obstacles than most people knew about, and today was his reward for those efforts.

Johnny slipped on the coat of his dress uniform, and pulled on the cap over his still-not regulation length hair, and looked in the mirror. The face that looked back at him had changed a great deal in the last six years. It was older and somewhat wiser, but it still had the playful grin and smiling eyes that effortlessly managed to disguise the changes the years had brought.

In his time as a paramedic, he had seen life come full circle countless times -- witnessing everything firsthand -- from the joy of birth to the sorrow of death. He had been a victim himself of the darker side of society, and had seen the tragedy of life on the streets one too many times, and thought maybe he was ready to step back for a while, though not without regrets.

It was a day that should have marked the fulfillment of his dreams, but without her there to share it with him, it somehow seemed a little less important. It had been almost three months since Johnny last saw Shannon, when she had flown in to be with him for Chet's funeral. To say those few days had been a disaster would have been a monumental understatement.

They had spent the night before the funeral together in bed, Johnny seeking solace for the devastating loss of his friend.... Shannon, as always, willing to give him whatever he needed from her. She made love to him and comforted him and held him close through the night.

Johnny thought he had handled the next day far better than he dreamed he would, thankful she was there by his side; but that night their lovemaking had turned rough and intense, charged with a desperation not unlike that other time several years ago.... Only this time Shannon had seen and understood the raw emotions he was wrestling with, and was prepared to help him through it.

Later though, lying awake in the stillness of the night, with her sleeping quietly in his arms, it hit him hard, and he had gotten up and started drinking. Johnny didn’t drink to excess off the job as much as some in his profession, but there were times when he knew of no other way to numb that kind of unbearable pain. It was something he had done all his life at moments like this, a lesson first learned from living on the reservation, where it was the routine and not the exception. It was one of those parts of the past he tried to put behind him, but never quite managed to escape its influence when the going got really rough.

It had been a long time, though, since anything had affected him this way -- the little girl who died in the fire, and the tragic emotional aftermath of that night, had driven him here before, and then only Kelly Brackett and Dixie McCall had seen him at his worst. Johnny knew from experience that there were never any answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle... only more questions, more guilt..., more fear. Knowing that had never stopped him before, and it didn’t stop him this time.

Shannon wasn’t prepared to witness a side to him she had never seen before, and they had argued -- bitterly -- for the first time ever, and things were said that should never have been said. Shannon left the next day while he was sleeping it off, without saying good-bye. Johnny had called her a few days later, but his flimsy attempt at an apology was met with icy indifference. They hadn’t spoken since.

Johnny sighed the sigh of a lonely man. Putting those thoughts away, he reminded himself he had waited a long time for this day and he wasn’t going to let anything spoil it. He knew a lot of things would be different after today, and that there would be difficult times ahead, but he was ready for the challenges that change always brings. The feeling of excitement returned, and he gathered his things and left the house to join the others at Headquarters for their promotion exercise.

Little did Johnny know then just how much his life would change before the day was over.

* * * * * * * *

The men had spent the previous week at the Training Center, learning all the ins and outs of a captain’s responsibilities and duties; they would discover later that much of what they needed to learn, though, would come on the job. Today they assembled in a small classroom in the training center, where it was just the fourteen new captains and the Chief, who gave each one his new badge and shook his hand, and wished him luck. There were no long speeches, no fanfare, no families present to congratulate them, no party to celebrate the event. It was over in no time at all.

Neither Roy nor Johnny was quite ready to part company when it was over, and they decided to have a cup of coffee and talk for a few minutes on the upstairs patio. Roy was taking it all in stride as usual, but Johnny was pretty excited, as usual, grabbing Roy by the arm as they went out the door, falling all over his words.

“Uh.... Hey, Roy... um... listen... uh... I... I know this may sound silly. Suppose you can call me Cap? I... I just wanna hear how it sounds.”

Roys eyes smiled in amusement, and he happily indulged his friend's request.

“Okay, Cap.”

“Got any orders for me, Cap?”

“What’s happenin’ Cap?”

With that, the reality of it finally began to hit home for Johnny. Roy teased him about his slow reflexes, and Johnny was momentarily slow to pick up on the joke... but as always, it led to his protesting the inference, which in turn led to a long reminiscence about their experiences together over the past six years.

There were the funny things.... The girdle story Johnny had never been able to live down, the guy trapped in the couch, the time Roy had aced out Johnny as a male model, the girl with her toe stuck in the bathtub faucet. Roy could never get over how a chagrined Johnny had quickly backpedaled out of the room, leaving him to rescue the lovely damsel in distress by himself. Roy had never admitted it, but it had been an unusually enjoyable rescue. Some ladies-man his partner proved to be.

They talked about the dangerous things too.... Roy's dislike of heights, and Johnny's of water rescues... the many times they had come so close to buying it. There was the monkey virus that caused Johnny to fall from the scaffold, and the fever that brought him to death's door.... The snakebite that almost did the same, and Roy’s own face-off with death by electrocution, when the female trainee, Karen, had kept her cool and saved his life. There had been other close calls, some for Roy, but more for Johnny... the too numerous explosions he had been injured in, but was always fortunate to survive.

And they talked about Chet... “Chester B... a good man in the clutch” Roy had called him. The brief shadow of sadness in his expression told the story as Johnny agreed, “that he was.” They remembered Kelly's antics with Henry and the doghouse, the concern he had shown when Johnny was bitten by the snake, and the laughter they had shared when the Phantom got a taste of his own water bomb trickery.

But, the recollections eventually came to an end as they realized they had both survived a dangerous job, and had made it... together... to where they were today.... Captains in the LA County Fire Department. It was time to leave, and their faces shared the same distressed look, as the moment they wanted to avoid had finally come.

“Listen now, um... we are going to be staying in touch with one another, right?”

“Right. I mean.... Just because we’re not working together....”

“Yeah. Yeah.... That’s exactly what I mean. It’s just that.... Uh.... Well.... You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I mean it’s not like we’re movin’ out of town or anything. We’re still here, still in the same department.... We’re still friends.”

“Yeah. Still....”

“Yeah.”

“Roy? Uh....”

“Yeah?”

Johnny couldn’t find the words to say what he was feeling at that moment, but his downcast face said it all. Finally realizing the words weren’t going to come, he shook his head, and looked at Roy with a smile.

“Come on, tell ya’ what. I’ll walk you out to your car.”

“All right.”

They both pulled on their caps, and with Johnny's hand resting on Roy's shoulder, walked down the steps, side-by-side, still friends, but partners no more.

* * * * * * * *

Roy climbed in his car, and rolled down his window, recovered a little from the emotion of the moment. He realized that Johnny hadn’t really said if he had plans to celebrate or not, only that he had to go too. “Johnny, I don’t know if Joanne’s got anything planned.... Do you wanna come over to the house for a while?”

Johnny leaned against the car and bent down to the window. “Thanks, Roy, but there’s something I’ve gotta do right now. If it’s not too late when I get home, I’ll give you a call, and see what you’re doing.” He straightened up and started to walk away, calling over his shoulder, “See ya later... Cap.” Roy saw the disrespectful salute, meant to lighten the mood, and smiled as he started the car and drove away.

Johnny didn’t have a family to go home to like Roy, but he did have a family and a home he wanted to say good-bye to in private. For the second time in his life, he was leaving one life behind for the promise of a better tomorrow, and just like the first time, there would be no going back after today.

Saturday freeway traffic was devoid of the weekday madness, and he pulled up to the curb across the street from Station 51 in no time. He envisioned Mike Stoker there, raising the flags on the pole in front of the station at the start of their shift. Mike had been the first to leave, under happy circumstances. He was Captain Stoker now, in charge of Station 36's B-shift, and doing really well. A quiet man -- at least until you got to know him personally -- Mike had been a trusted member of the team and a closer friend than they had realized until he left.

Many firemen moved around from shift-to-shift and station-to-station, but Station 51s A-shift had been an anomaly of sorts in the department -- the same crew had been together for over six years. They were a group of vastly different personalities and backgrounds that somehow blended together and became a family one day without even realizing it. They had been together for a long time, then in the proverbial blink-of-an-eye, everything had dramatically changed.

Johnny pulled into the parking lot, and jumped out of his truck as he had so many times before -- only this time, there was no reason to hurry. Both the engine and the squad were out on a run, leaving the station quiet and empty as he entered through the side door into the day room. This room, and everything in it, was as familiar to him as his own living room and kitchen.

Henry had moved on -- to the big couch in the sky. Most stations didn’t have dogs, and 51's probably wouldn’t have had another one either, if he hadn’t mysteriously shown up one day while they were out on a run. He was unarguably the laziest dog ever to walk the planet... make that ever to lie around, but he had become as much a fixture in their lives as everything else in the station. The couch seemed empty and uninviting to Johnny without Henry lying there, looking at him with those large, forlorn brown eyes.

It looked like the tones had sounded in the middle of lunch.... Johnny thought if he only had a dollar for all the meals they had left uneaten on that table, he’d be a rich man now. He helped himself to a cup of coffee from the stove, where a pot of some concoction sat, and thoughts of Marco's chili came to mind. According to Marco, chili went with everything, and after a while, Johnny didn’t disagree with him. Marco Lopez always had a ready smile, and Johnny couldn’t remember ever seeing the man get angry.

He put the coffee cup down, and strolled into the empty apparatus bay, pausing there to picture his first day at 51's. It was 1972 and he was just about to turn twenty-two, hoping he had made the right decision to leave his rescue job at 10s and join the fledgling paramedic program. Roy had proudly shown him their squad that morning, newly equipped with everything they needed but weren’t authorized to use on their own yet. The old Crown pumper, polished and gleaming in all its glory, had been parked next to the squad.

Johnny slowly made his way to the captain's office, and smiled when he reached the doorway, seeing the clock with the picture of Chief Houts on it still hanging on the wall. It was a reminder of one of those rare glimpses at the Chief’s sense of humor, the way he let them know he knew it was there, but never told them to get rid of it. No humor intended, the Chief had once told John to get a haircut too, but Johnny had ignored it then, and still wore his hair the way he wanted.

When 51's first opened, Dick Hammer had been the A-shift captain, but it wasn’t until Hank Stanley came along a short time later that the crew really began to come together as a team.

John and Roy had shared this office with him to do their paperwork, but it had always been Captain Stanley's office on their shift, and his door had always been open to all of them. Hank... now that John was a captain too, he could call him that, but doubted he ever would. The man would always be “Cap,” and Johnny only hoped he would be half the leader to his men that Stanley was to them. Always in command, whether at the scene, or at the station, his men respected him and never hesitated to follow his orders. Hank Stanley had also been their teacher, their father, and their friend, and Johnny knew that living up to his example would be a tough act to follow.

Since Mike had moved up, and Chet was gone, and knowing that John and Roy would be moving on soon too, Stanley had opted to bid out and moved over to Station 127 a few weeks ago. Marco had gone with him.

Johnny wandered to the dorm next, where he sat down on the edge of his bunk for the last time. He purposely avoided looking across to where Chet had slept, and instead thought of Roy. They had sat beside each other in the squad and slept across from each other in the dorm for over six years. They had worked together and played together and shared their deepest fears and their greatest joys with each other. They had saved each other’s lives more times than he cared to count, and throughout the years, they had always been there for each other, both on and off the job, in good times and bad. An unlikely pairing of personalities, they had balanced each other perfectly and quickly bonded to become the best of friends.

The names of Gage and DeSoto had become synonymous with the word "partners" in the County, and no other paramedic/rescue team had been so highly regarded since the inception of the program.

They had promised to stay in touch, and Johnny knew they would do their best to keep that promise -- their friendship ran too deep to let it go. But it wouldn’t ever be quite the same, and they both knew it. He and Roy would be working in different battalions, many miles apart, and on different shifts, so the odds of them responding to the same scene were highly unlikely, and finding the time to get together off-shift would be difficult to arrange.

They had struggled earlier to find the words to express what they meant to each other, and to admit how difficult it would be to no longer work as a team, and they had both come up short in their efforts to verbalize those feelings. At times like that though, words between them had never really been necessary to know what the other was thinking and feeling, and this morning had been no exception. The message had come across in the sound of their voices, and the expressions on their faces.

Roy had helped him grow up and had taught him a lot, while always respecting his opinion and treating him as a professional in the field. He opened the door to his home and shared his family's love and laughter.... His was the kind of family Johnny wanted for his own some day.

Johnny stood up, sighing deeply as he looked around the dorm, knowing that one of the best parts of his life would never be the same again.

Walking away, he stopped to throw one last look over his shoulder at his bunk, then moved on to the locker room to retrieve the one thing he had forgotten when he cleaned out the rest of his stuff. The locker room had been a place where he had shared in the camaraderie of the others, and like in the privacy of the cab of the squad, a place where he had occasionally allowed his deep emotions to show through his easygoing exterior... the anger he had vented against the arrogance of Ed Marlowe, the pain he suffered over the death of Drew Burke, and the helplessness he felt in dealing with Pam Burke's loneliness. Seeing firsthand what she went through was one of the things that always reinforced his fears about getting married.

The locker room had also been a place where they had all shared jokes, laughter... and friendship. As he reached for the handle of his locker door, thoughts of Chet Kelly refused to be ignored any longer. Johnny would never, ever be able to open a locker door without wondering what was waiting there to surprise him. The man had been his worst nightmare at times. While their relationship had appeared to be adversarial and antagonistic on the surface, it was never malicious, and often humorous. Chet was always the first to be on his back and needle him about something, yet always the first to be there to cover their backs at the scene when they needed him. He was nosy and annoying as hell, but Kelly was also a fearless firefighter, a loyal co-worker, and most of all, a treasured friend.

There were the bad times when Chet had been there for him.... The time he got bit by the snake, the time he got hit by the car... times that made Johnny feel guilty that he hadn’t been there for Chet when he needed him most -- when he and Roy had finally reached them, Chet had died in Marco's arms... times that made him feel guilty for having the thought they all had the day of his funeral, but buried deep inside and would never give voice to... thank God it wasn’t my turn.

It seemed so unfair that some other poor, unsuspecting pigeon would never experience one of the Phantom's inspired pranks.

The bay door rolled open, and as he listened to the squad and the engine back into their familiar spots, Johnny shook off the grip of the many ghosts that haunted these rooms. He opened his now empty locker. Smokey the Bear was there, tacked on the door where he had been for years, now a little worn and yellowed with age. It was the one little piece of home he wanted to take with him to his new station. He pulled the poster off the door, and a picture fell to the floor. Johnny had forgotten all about it -- the picture of Valerie he had tucked behind the poster. He was never sure why he had kept it. Maybe because he really had come so close to marrying her.

It was strange to think he would have married a woman he hardly knew, one he never said he loved. Johnny had known Shannon intimately for years, and loved her with all his heart, but had never asked her to marry him. He wondered if he would have really gone through with it, if Valerie hadn’t dumped him first for that lawyer. Deep down, he was glad he never had to find out.

Maybe now was the time for him to reexamine his reasons for not asking Shannon. Everything else was changing, why not those? Maybe now he was ready, and he wondered if she was. He had some major apologizing, groveling if necessary, to do first, though. Johnny was anxious to get home and call her.

He almost ran into Dwyer on his way out of the locker room.

“Hey, Johnny.... Oh, I guess that’s Captain Gage, now, huh?” Dwyer took note of the shiny new badge pinned on his coat. “Congratulations.” Dwyer shook his hand. Johnny was a good guy and he was happy for him.

“That’s gonna take a little getting used to, but thanks.” John had to admit he liked the sound of it.

Dwyer noticed the rolled up poster in his other hand. “You know, we’re gonna miss you guys... 51's isn’t the same without the old A-shift gang.... I guess now we’ll have to find someone else’s love life to talk about... unless you feel like giving us call every now and then, to keep us updated.”

Johnny knew he had always been the talk of the station, and then some, but it never really bothered him, and laughed as he shot back, “You could always talk about yours, you know. That is if you had one.”

Dwyer laughed too. “Very funny. Maybe we won’t miss you as much as we thought.” They paused and the mood sobered. Dwyer hadn’t heard where John and Roy were being assigned and was curious if he’d be seeing them around. “So, where are you going, Johnny?”

“I’m going to C-shift at 22's in Commerce. One engine, four-man station.... It’ll be different, that’s for sure. I start in just a couple of days. Roy’s going to stay here as a paramedic for a few more shifts, until his spot opens up... he’s going to B-shift at 135s in Lancaster... They’ve got a squad up there... You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t head for it instead of the engine when they get a run. It’ll be a tough habit to break.”

Johnny wouldn’t have that problem -- he had mixed emotions about being at a station without paramedics, but he really was looking forward to his new assignment. Station 22, nicknamed ‘Double Deuce’, was the second oldest station in the County, small-- really small -- and cramped, but full of history and pride. It was close to East LA and headquarters, and was a busy a little station. It would be a good place to start his new role as a captain.

The tones -- the last time he would hear those tones in this station-- sounded, and the engine and squad pulled out again, leaving Johnny standing all alone in a place that he would no longer call home. With the wail of the sirens of Engine 51 and Squad 51 fading away in the distance, he took a final look around, and said good-bye to his friends, then walked out and quietly closed the door behind him, leaving the ghosts, taking only the fond memories of six years of his life on A-shift at Los Angeles County Fire Station 51.

* * * * * * * *

Johnny lived in an unincorporated area of the County about 40 miles north of downtown LA, near the Ventura County line. Home was an older, single story ranch-style house which sat on two acres of land in an oak tree-lined canyon in the hills above Highway 101, at the foot of the Santa Monica Mountains. The small canyon community was an ideal spot for his lifestyle -- a short drive to the mountains in one direction, a short drive to the beach in another -- quiet and semi-secluded, with friendly neighbors, cool temperatures even in summer, and smog-free air. The grounds were filled with oak and fruit trees, and needed little attention, which fit well with his odd work schedule. Only the front lawn needed mowing now and then, a job he finally decided to farm out to the fourteen-year old who lived across the road, who also took care of his dog, Jack, while he was at work.

Inside, the house was warm and inviting, with carefully chosen furnishings and decorations in simple designs -- rooms were filled with wood furniture, earthtone colors covered the walls, and there were polished wood floors covered with rugs throughout the house. A large rock fireplace dominated one wall of the den, which opened onto a spacious redwood deck overlooking the back of the property. Books, record albums, pictures of friends, and small personal things filled the bookcases. Framed photographs that he had taken himself were hung throughout the house... some taken on hikes at different times of the year in the canyons just up the road, and in the local mountains, as well as some from his trips to Yosemite and the Rocky Mountains. In his bedroom hung his favorite... a picture of Shannon that he had taken on a chilly mountain summit one Christmas morning several years ago. That picture and the memory of that morning... and of that special night... would always hold a place in his heart.

Johnny loved his house, but even with Jack there to keep him company, it was sometimes a lonely place to come home to after his shift was over. Today was no exception. It had been one of the most important days of his life in a long time, and an emotional one, and it felt strange not to celebrate it, or share it with someone.

It was early afternoon when Johnny pulled into his driveway, which was barely visible under the covering of the large oak leaves that had already begun to fall from the trees. Seasons change almost imperceptibly in Southern California, but here in the cooler weather of the canyon, a version of autumn was putting in an early appearance. There was a small white car parked in the driveway that he didn’t recognize. Jack came running from the side of the house to greet him when he hopped out of his truck, and after petting the dog, Johnny looked toward the house and broke into a grin.

Shannon was sitting on the front steps waiting for him. The day was definitely looking up. He was really glad to see her, and as he walked across the yard toward the house, wondered how she knew about today; the last time they talked, even he hadn’t known about the promotion. They had seen little of each other over the last year-and a-half, since she moved to eastern Tennessee to work in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. They had continued to talk often, though, up until three months ago anyway. He was hoping the time was right to talk about changing that situation.

She stood up as he neared the steps, but instead of being excited to see him as she always had in the past, she looked nervous and uncomfortable.

“Johnny... hi,” she said quietly, as she stood with her arms at her side. “You’re late.... I thought you would have been here hours ago.”

He reached out to hug her, but she backed off, putting her hand on his chest. Her face had a smile, but her eyes gave him a cool reception.

He knew then she was still upset over their argument the last time she had been here. Johnny was sure he had said some things he shouldn’t have that night, but really didn’t remember much about it, and wondered now just exactly what he had said that had her so upset after all this time.

“Shannon... I... I’m really glad you’re here.” He gave her a puzzled look, as he unlocked the front door and held it open for her. “What are you doing here?”

“Joanne called me a couple of weeks ago. She told me that you and Roy were being promoted to Captains today. We’re supposed to be at their house for a surprise party in an hour.... I’m sorry to spoil it for you, but you’re so late... anyway, I didn’t know when she called if I could get the time off, so I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure I could be here. Then, I guess... I decided at the last minute to just surprise you.” Shannon walked into the den while Johnny stopped in the entry way to hang up his coat and pull off the tie that hung loosely around his neck, before following her in there.

“Well, you surprised me all right.... I wish you had called. I’d have been home sooner if I’d known you were waiting for me.” Johnny wanted to hold her and kiss her and apologize to her for whatever he had said and done, but her body language was still telling him to stay away.

Shannon looked him, and he could see she was hurt. “Johnny, why didn’t you tell me about your promotion? Why did I have to hear about it from Joanne? Didn’t you think I’d want to know? Or am I just not important enough to you anymore to share something like this? I always knew your job came first, but I thought I was at least a close second. I guess you really did mean what you said that night... that I was just standing in your way.”

“Shannon.... I’m sorry... I... I wanted to call and tell you, but you were so mad at me the last time I called... I guess I figured you didn’t want to hear from me for a while. Especially if it had to do with my job.” Johnny didn’t care what he had said that night... right now was all that mattered, and all he wanted this minute was to hold her and kiss her. It had been almost three months since he had been with her -- he couldn’t stand being this close without touching her, and it was driving him crazy. He wasn’t even paying attention to what she was saying now.

“... you’re right... I didn’t want to hear from you, and I wasn’t sure I even wanted to come today, but....”

She was cut off in mid-sentence by a kiss he couldn’t keep from giving her. She was in his arms before she knew it, and his kiss was instantly deep and hot and unrelenting in its desire for her. Johnny was already breathing hard and holding her tightly against him, and she struggled to fight her own quickening impulse to respond to him. Shannon pushed away from him again before her body betrayed her.

“No, Johnny, we’re not going to do this. Not this time.”

Johnny couldn’t remember Shannon ever saying no to him. Physical intimacy -- not just the sex, but the kisses, and the touches, and their willingness to give each other pleasure -- had always been a huge part of their relationship, one that she enjoyed every bit as much as he did. If his male ego would allow it, he’d have to admit she initiated their lovemaking as often as he did... maybe more.

He could see the anger that crept into her eyes.

“The last time I was here, you pretty much told me to leave and never come back. And now you think you can just make that, and everything else you said, go away with a kiss and an afternoon in bed with you? Johnny, it doesn’t work that way. Not anymore.”

She walked across the room to look out the sliding glass door onto the deck, needing to put some distance between them. Shannon didn’t want to give in... it would only make things harder.

Johnny was shaken by her tone. He couldn’t believe he would have told her that. “Shannon, look... I tried to apologize, but you wouldn’t listen. I don’t even remember what I said that night, and I’m sure I didn’t mean any of it. I’d had too much to drink, and I was upset about Chet....”

She turned around and moved closer to face him again, her voice growing harsher. “It sounded to me like you meant everything you said. As for your apology... you didn’t even know what you were apologizing for, so how could I listen? And you still don’t have a clue, do you? You know, Johnny, maybe it’s time you grew up and learned to handle things without getting drunk and then conveniently forgetting what you say. You need to stop expecting me to drop everything and come running when you call. I’m tired of being there when you need me to comfort you, only to end up being used as your... your whore... when something happens that you can’t deal with.”

Shannon paused to let the full effect of that slap in the face sink in.

“Then, when something good happens in your life, Captain Gage, I don’t even hear from you. And now I’m supposed to take off my clothes and sleep with you like none of that matters? Johnny, I can’t keep doing this.... I have a life too, you know, and it doesn’t revolve around you anymore.”

Johnny was immediately defensive and felt his temper rise, too. “Well, I can’t help it if people losing their lives upsets me... not all of us have jobs that let us just ignore those kinds of things, you know. Shannon, your life has never revolved around me... and maybe you’re the one that needs to grow up and learn that life isn’t just one long camping trip in the mountains. Maybe you should get over your guilt and quit trying to live your father's life for him and join the rest of us in the real world for a change. Maybe it’s time you stopped being daddys little girl... you can’t please a dead man no matter how hard you try.”

His intentionally derogatory reference to her father incensed her, and she picked up a book from the coffee table and hurled it at him. He ducked and it flew past his head and hit something in the bookcase behind him. Shannon didn’t see what broke, but Johnny did. She could have broken anything else he owned and it wouldn’t have mattered, but not this. It had meant more to him than she would ever know, and it could never be replaced. She couldn’t have hurt him more if she had tried.

Johnny closed his eyes and turned his back on her and started to walk away, but she wasn’t through with him yet.

“Go ahead and turn your back Johnny -- at least I’m not the one who uses people, then walks away all the time. I’m not the one who makes promises that I don’t intend to keep. And, I’m not the one who crawls into the bottom of a bottle when life isn’t going my way and pushes away the people I love. Just leave my father out of this -- he never would have thought to do those things -- so, if that’s what life is like in your world, then I don’t want any part of it.”

Johnny turned around slowly, his voice steely and his words slow and deliberate. “That’s always been your problem, Shannon, you don’t want any part of anything that disturbs your romantic ideal of the perfect life. I may be the one who walks away all the time, but I’ve never seen you try to stop me either. And, forgive me for being so human sometimes that I can’t always cope with things or solve problems the way you do.”

Shannon moved so close to him that he couldn’t help the look that crossed his face. Despite their words, it was obvious he still wanted her, and she knew it.

“You seem to think there are only three ways to solve your problems... to drink, to throw yourself into your precious work, or to have sex.” Her voice turned seductive and her fingers walked their way up his arms. “Is that what you want to do now, Johnny? Have sex, and make all our problems go away?”

Her arms slid around his neck and she began to kiss him, taking him by surprise. In spite of, or maybe because of the anger, it became the most erotic kiss they had ever shared. While her smoldering kiss devoured his thoughts, her hand slid down between them and began a sensual assault that she knew from intimate experience he wasn’t capable of resisting even if he wanted to, although she was sure resisting was the last thing on his mind.

Johnny knew exactly what Shannon was doing, that she was manipulating him, but he told himself it didn’t matter. He had wanted this from the moment he saw her. The argument, and the intense rush of emotions that accompanied it, had only served to fuel his desire for her. Shannon's seduction of him was complete and overwhelming -- craving her in a way he never had before, he was desperate to have her. He slipped his trembling hands under her shirt, and the feel of his fingers on her bare skin aroused him past the point of no return.

Knowing when she had him right where she wanted him, Shannon suddenly pulled away, panting heavily with her own lust for him, but her anger still locked in place. Her voice was low and throaty, cold and taunting. “Did you enjoy that Johnny? I hope so, because there’s no more for you where that came from.”

She turned and started to walk away, but only got a few steps when he grabbed her by the arm and spun her back around to face him. He caught her wrists before she could slap him. She had never seen him so furious. They glared at each other for a moment, then Johnny started kissing her -- hard, vengeful kisses that only made her struggle harder against his hold on her wrists.

He shoved her roughly onto the couch, and followed, pinning her down. Shannon was no match for his strength, and gave up fighting him, but dared him with defiant eyes to take the next step. He was way beyond the point of stopping.

When he both felt and heard her gasp in pain, the stark realization of what he was doing crashed into his consciousness, and he thought he was going to be sick. He was hurting the woman he once said he cherished more than life itself.... He was taking out his anger on her.... He was using her again just like she said... and this time he was doing it intentionally. Hot tears of pain and humiliation rolled down Shannon's cheeks as she felt him back away. He dropped his head to her shoulder and buried his face against her neck.

They lay there for minutes that seemed like hours, both paralyzed by the enormity of what had just happened between them, trying to regain a grasp on their out-of-control emotions. Johnny finally spoke first, his voice hoarse and ragged.

“What are we doing, Shannon? Oh, God, how... how did we let this happen? I... I’m so... sorry.”

He pulled away from her. Seeing the remorse in Johnny's eyes for his shameless act, her heart ached, guilt-ridden over her part in this, knowing she was the one who had deliberately provoked him and then pushed him over the edge. They had both used what had always been an expression of love for each other as an ugly weapon against the other, and had come close to destroying everything they had ever shared. Shannon reached up and held his head in her hands while their eyes locked, each seeing the heartache and misery they had caused the other, and it was more than either one could bear.

Johnny got up and went out through the sliding glass door and stood on the deck for a moment, then disappeared down the stairs. Shannon sat up in a daze, and stared out the door for a long time, regretting her words and actions that tore apart in one afternoon all that they had meant to each other for so many years.

She had come here determined not to sleep with him... but she hadn’t intended to provoke such a violent argument, and she didn’t want her memory of the last time she was with him to be like this. There had been so many times when it had been so beautiful between them, but now this one angry, intense confrontation threatened to replace those times, and would haunt her for the rest of her life. Shannon grieved for all they had lost.

Johnny had been gone for an hour, and she didn’t know if he was even coming back. She wanted to call Joanne, knowing that everyone was waiting for them, but had no idea what she would say. Shannon finally got up and began wandering around the house, unconsciously rubbing her wrists where he had held them so tightly. She passed his coat where he had hung it in the entry way, and saw the new badge pinned to the chest. Tears spilled from her already red and swollen eyes again when she thought of how important and meaningful this day must have been to him, and how completely she had ruined it. Shannon wondered what she had been thinking to come on this day of all days.

She went into his bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, clutching his pillow under her chin as she looked around. This had always her favorite room in his house... there was something so personal about it... something that revealed more of who he really was if you paid close attention. Her eyes slowly roamed the walls, stopping when she saw the photograph. It had been taken that Christmas morning -- a day she had promised he would remember the rest of his life -- and she remembered how she had delivered on that promise. It had all seemed so much easier then. They had made so many promises to each other that night, and in the end, had kept none of them. She was as guilty as Johnny.

Shannon got up off the bed and headed for the shower, desperately wishing she could find a way to wash away all that had just happened. She turned on the water and shed her clothes, leaving them lying on the floor as she stepped into the shower. The tension began to unwind and her sore muscles began to relax as she bent her head down and let the water flow over her shoulders and down her back. As the water heated and the steam slowly rose and filled the room, she allowed the magical power of the mist that surrounded her to carry her away in her mind to another place and time -- to a world where everything is perfect and love is never complicated.

She had only been lost in that illusion for a few minutes when she heard the door open, and he stepped in behind her, drawing her back to reality. Shannon held her breath and waited for him to make the first move.

Johnny rested his hands on top of her shoulders, then gradually let them drift down her back, his touch gentle and light. He kissed the back of her neck as his hands worked their way around her waist. Feeling no resistance from her, he pulled her back into him, whispering over and over again in her ear that he was sorry. His fingers began to slowly caress her, and he continued to whisper he was sorry, until she willingly succumbed to the need to share her body with his... this time the way it was meant to be, the way it had always been.

Shannon had never been able to resist him when he touched her like that, and she was as hungry for him as he was for her. She turned the water off and opened the shower door. Taking him by the hand, she led him to the bed, where she lay down and pulled him down on top of her, kissing him passionately, letting him know what she wanted.

She wanted him more than she ever had, more than she ever thought possible. She wanted him to hold her and make love to her and promise to never let her go. Gently sliding his arms under her back, kissing her softly, whispering now that he loved her, he gave her everything she wanted... he gave her everything he had to give.

Lying there, close together, in that drowsy, satisfied state that followed, Johnny held her in his arms and kissed her and told her again that he loved her.

Sometimes though, love is not enough.

* * * * * * * *

“Mom! Uncle Johnny’s here!” Chris shouted at the top of his lungs as he raced through the front door without even stopping on his way up the stairs.

As soon as everyone found out that Shannon was with Johnny, they figured he’d be late, and the party started without them. Shannon had finally called to say they were on their way. Waiting impatiently for them to come in, Joanne peeked out the front window and saw Johnny give Shannon what she thought looked like the sweetest kiss she had ever seen. They were holding hands as they walked to the door, and Joanne was hoping that maybe this time....

Her heart fell when she saw the looks on their faces as they came through the door. Their smiles were genuine enough, but underneath the smiles, Shannon had the look of someone who had just lost her best friend, and Johnny looked... Joanne couldn’t quite put her finger on it... scared?

Trying to ignore what she thought she saw, Joanne gave Johnny a kiss. “Well, Johnny... I sure hope you don’t plan to be as late on your first day as a Captain as you are to this party,” she teased him. “Kind of hard on the hostess when the guest of honor doesn’t show up.” She thought he looked a little embarrassed, and gave him a hug, offering her congratulations on his promotion.

Shannon had stood quietly at his side, and Joanne quickly turned to hug her too. She wasn’t sure if she imagined it, but Joanne thought Shannon held on to her a little longer and a little tighter than she would have expected. Something was definitely wrong.

“Johnny, why don’t you go on out back. Most everybody’s out there waiting for you, and we’re just about ready to eat. Shannon, do you mind giving me a hand in the kitchen for a minute?”

Joanne saw the look that passed between the two of them. It was almost like they were afraid to let the other out of their sight, for fear they wouldn’t find their way back to each other if they were separated. She didn’t know what to say. Johnny reached out and touched Shannon's arm and smiled, a little sadly, and left the room.

Shannon composed herself and put on the smile again. “What can I do to help, Joanne? I’m sorry we’re so late... we...um... got caught up in things, and... time just kind of got away from us.”

Joanne wasn’t so sure any more that she knew what ‘things’ they had gotten caught up in.

Dixie was in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on the huge bowl of salad she had brought, and greeted Shannon warmly when she came in. Dixie threw Joanne a look of curiosity... Joanne answered back with a slight shrug of her shoulders and a barely perceptible shake of the head. She wasn’t just imagining it -- Dixie had seen it too.

The three of them loaded up with bowls and trays of food and carried them out to the tables on the patio. A lot of people had gathered to help Roy and Johnny celebrate their day -- Hank Stanley and Marco Lopez and Mike Stoker were all on duty and unable to attend, but sent their best wishes. Quite a few of the hospital staff had managed to get away for a while to come, and the yard was filled with neighbors and friends and fellow firefighters and paramedics. The party was in full swing by the time Joanne announced it was time to eat.

Shannon was surprised at how many people seemed to know who she was, and she spent the afternoon mingling and making small talk. Every now and then, she caught a glimpse of Johnny, who was thoroughly involved in shop talk with the other firemen. He seemed to have forgotten that she was even there.

As daylight turned to dusk, Joanne realized she hadn’t seen Shannon for a while, and looked around, but couldn’t spot her. She felt a soft tap on her arm, and looked down to see Jennifer standing there, looking a little confused.

“Mom, can I talk to you for a second?” Jennifer was keeping her voice low. She was almost eight now, and so smart and pretty. Joanne and Roy had gone from being “mommy and daddy” to “mom and dad” almost overnight, and Joanne still felt the little tug on her heartstrings when she saw how quickly her baby was growing up.

Jennifer pulled her away from the crowd to a quiet spot. “Mom, I... I’m not supposed to say anything, but....” she hesitated, and looked around to make sure no one was listening. “Aunt Shannon’s in my room, and she’s crying. She didn’t want me to tell anyone... but, I think maybe she’s sick. I don’t want her to be mad at me for telling, but she’s crying really hard.”

Joanne gave Jennifer a little hug. “Sweetheart, you did the right thing. I’m going to go talk to her. Don’t say anything to your Uncle Johnny though, okay? Let me find out what’s wrong first, then I’ll talk to him.” Jennifer looked relieved that she hadn’t done the wrong thing, and skipped off to join her friends.

Knocking softly on the door first, Joanne slowly pushed it open and saw Shannon sitting on the bed. Her eyes were rimmed with tears and she looked miserable. Joanne sat down beside her and put her arm around Shannon's shoulder, and held her as she broke into sobs again.

It took a while, and Joanne was patient, not asking any questions, until Shannon finally pulled herself together and reached for a tissue from the box on the night stand.

“Do you want to talk about it now, Shannon?” Joanne asked gently.

Shannon nodded and wiped her eyes again. “I’m sorry... I haven’t cried as much in my entire life as I have today.” She drew in a deep breath and looked at Joanne with such sorrow in her eyes that Joanne felt like crying, too.

Joanne held her hand reassuringly. “Shannon, I’m sure whatever it is, you can work it out. You and Johnny mean so much to each other, I can’t believe you won’t get through this together.” Joanne was trying to sort out the possibilities, but her best guess was a mile off the mark.

“I’ve made such a mess of things, Joanne. I don’t know how I’m going to fix everything... I should never have come here today. I just thought I owed it to Johnny to tell him in person, and now I don’t know if I can do it.” Tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Shannon... are you...?” Joanne was guessing at the reason for Shannon’s overly-emotional state.

Shannon shook her head. “No, Joanne.... It’s not what you think.” She took another deep breath. “I came here to tell Johnny that I’m getting married.” She knew the look of shock in Joanne's eyes was nothing compared to what she would see in Johnny's when she told him.

Joanne didn’t want to believe her ears, but there was no doubt about what Shannon had said. Her face asked a thousand questions, but she was speechless. This wasn’t the way the story was supposed to end. The star-crossed lovers always ended up together and lived happily ever after.

Shannon finally broke the uneasy silence. “The wedding is in three weeks... but now, I don’t even know if that’s going to happen. I’m supposed to be getting married to a wonderful man who loves me and trusts me... but, Joanne... I slept with Johnny today... and now... and now I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

This was bigger than Joanne thought she could handle, but it wasn’t her place to judge, and she put a comforting arm around Shannon again. “Maybe you should start at the beginning, and tell me how this all happened. I don’t know if I can give you any advice, but maybe just talking about it will help.”

Shannon was grateful that Joanne would be so understanding and willing to listen, and she began to tell her story.

“I’ve been in love with Johnny for eight years, and I never thought I could love anyone else as much as I love him. I’ve waited a long time for him, but it doesn’t seem like we’re going anywhere, and I want things that I don’t think I’ll ever have with him. I want a home and I want children, and I think Johnny wants those things too... but not with me. Every time we talk about it... it’s... it’s like we’re both scared to death, and neither one of us knows why.”

Joanne handed her another tissue. Shannon didn’t even realize she was still crying.

“I met Brian about six months ago. We work together... he’s a ranger too, and he had just transferred to the Smokies. At first, we were just friends. We found we had a lot in common -- how much we loved our work and being outdoors, and we like the same books and the same music and the same movies. He was so easy to talk to and fun to be around. A couple of months after we met, Brian told me he was falling in love with me. He knew I was in love with Johnny... but it didn’t change the way he felt. He never said anything again, but he was always there when I needed a friend or someone to talk to... or a shoulder to cry on.”

Shannon paused and looked around the room, trying to decide if she should tell Joanne what Johnny had told her that night. She had gone this far in the story, and she really wanted Joanne to understand how badly he had hurt her, desperately wanting to relieve some of the guilt she was feeling.

“Joanne, when I came here for the funeral, I was going to try to talk to Johnny about our future, but he was so miserable that I knew it wasn’t the right time. I was okay with that, but the night of the funeral, Johnny started drinking, and he said so many awful things I didn’t think I ever wanted to see him again.”

Shannon stopped to take a breath and wipe her eyes, and Joanne took the opportunity to say something.

“I don’t know what Johnny said to you that night, but don’t you think that it was probably the alcohol talking, and not him? He had to be under a lot of stress from what happened. I know Roy was.”

Shannon shook her head in disagreement. “No, I’ve always believed that the things people say when they’re drunk are the things they really mean, but just don’t have the courage to say when they’re sober. It kind of removes that barrier of civility that surrounds us and the truth comes out. Johnny told me he was never going to get married and that he never wanted to have kids... that when it was his turn, he wanted to be like Chet and not have to worry about leaving anyone behind. He told me I was holding him back... from what I don’t know... and then he told me that he never really loved me... that I was just so good ... so good in bed that he couldn’t let me go. I can’t tell you how much he hurt me when he said that Joanne, and then... when I started to cry, he told me to leave and said that he never wanted to see me again. Johnny had made so many promises that we would be together someday, and until that night I believed him, and I was willing to wait forever for him, if that’s what it took. But after that... after what he said... I... I realized there wasn’t anything left to wait for.”

She could tell that Joanne was having trouble believing that Johnny would have acted that way or would have said those things. Even Shannon knew it was drastically out of character for him, but she had seen a different John Gage that night, one she didn’t recognize at all, and it scared her to think there were other things about him that she didn’t know.

“Johnny only called me one time after that, and wanted to know why I left so suddenly. He said he didn’t remember anything... but I did. I remembered every word he said, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget them. When I got back home, Brian was there... and he’s been so good to me. He’s never once said anything bad about Johnny and he never asked what happened. He was just there when I needed him. About a month ago, he asked me to marry him and I said yes.”

“Shannon, are you in love with Brian? Are you sure you’re not doing this on the rebound? Because if you are, you’re all going to get hurt in the end.”

“I do love him. And he loves me, and he wants to start a family, too. He can give me everything Johnny can’t... or won’t.”

“But are you in love with him, Shannon? There is a difference you know.” Joanne cautioned.

“What do I have to show for eight years of loving Johnny? I see him for a few days a couple of times a year... when he can make the time. It’s hard to go to bed alone every night with nothing more than a memory to keep me warm. So, I don’t see the difference... if I love Brian or if I’m in love with him... at least he wants to be with me every day and every night for the rest of our lives.”

Shannon blanched at the thought of what she had done to Brian today. He knew she was going to see Johnny, and had trusted her to do the right thing, and she had broken that trust.

She had deceived Johnny today, too. Johnny told her that he loved her and she believed him. He had told her that before and asked her to wait for him until he was ready... but she got tired of waiting, and his drunken confessions had convinced her that he would never be ready. She had just slept with him and asked him to never let her go -- all the while knowing she would be the one walking away forever in just a few hours.

Joanne knew she would have been hurt too, but wanted to offer Shannon a different insight into what may have been on Johnny's mind. “Believe me, I understand how you feel -- Roy and I have had our share of rough times over his job. But maybe because I’ve been married to a fireman for so long, I see things a little differently now. Men like Roy and Johnny go out their doors in the morning, not knowing if they’ll ever be coming home again. But they can never think about it, or they wouldn’t go. They kind of assume this air of immortality for their own protection. Things go along, and then one day something terrible happens to one of their own, and they’re reminded how dangerous their job is, and they’re forced to face their mortality. It’s got to scare them, don’t you think? But they can’t admit to being scared, or they wouldn’t be able to do their job again. You can see and hear their fears in the nightmares they have... and don’t think there’s a fireman out there that doesn’t have them.... They all deal with it differently... some, apparently like Johnny did that night, drink to try to make it go away. Maybe what he said wasn’t because he doesn’t love you -- maybe he loves you so much it scares him to think what would happen to you if someday he didn’t come home.”

Joanne loved Johnny, and in spite of her speech, she could see things from Shannon's point of view. “What are you going to do now, Shannon?” she asked quietly.

Shannon understood what Joanne had said, but didn’t think she could begin to cope with the kind of life Joanne had just described. There was so much she didn’t understand about Johnny's devotion to such a dangerous job, a job she blamed for keeping them apart all these years. Shannon had pulled herself together as she talked and listened to Joanne, and she knew what she had to do. It was going to be the most difficult thing she had ever faced.

She answered softly, but resolutely. “I’m going to tell Johnny that I’m getting married and why. Then, I’m going to go home and tell Brian the truth about what happened today, and hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me. And, if he can’t, then I guess there won’t be a wedding. But, either way, I think that Johnny and I are through.”

A soft knock on the door startled them. Dixie poked her head in and saw that she was interrupting a serious conversation, but pretended not to notice. “Sorry to interrupt ladies... but it’s getting late and I guess the boys have something they want to say before the party breaks up... I thought maybe you’d like to join them.”

Joanne looked at her watch. “Thanks, Dixie, I didn’t realize it was so late.” Joanne stood up and held out her hand to Shannon to help her up. “Maybe you’d like to freshen up a little before you come down?”

“I’d like to do that... I probably look terrible. I’ll be down in a minute.” Shannon hugged Joanne and whispered, “Thanks for listening. It means a lot to me.”

Dixie was dying of curiosity, but accepted Joanne's simple request that she wait until later, and they went downstairs to join the others.

Johnny was coming into the kitchen, looking for Shannon. He’d been trying to spend some time with her all afternoon, but every time he started to look for her, someone else had come up and started a conversation, and then when he was finally free, she had disappeared.

“Joanne, Dixie... have you seen Shannon?” He seemed anxious to find her.

“She’s upstairs, Johnny. We’ve just been having a little ‘girl-talk’ for a while, and lost track of time. Let’s go on outside. I’m sure she’ll be here in just a minute.” Joanne steered him outside again.

She found it hard to look at Johnny, knowing what lay ahead for him tonight. Her heart was filled with sadness for both of them. She had never met two people more perfect for each other than Johnny and Shannon, and couldn’t begin to understand how they had managed to let everything just slip away.

Everyone gathered around the patio where Roy and John were looking a little embarrassed at being the center of attention. Roy was shifting from foot to foot, and Johnny was watching Shannon standing in the doorway, looking like she was a million miles away. He could tell she had been crying, and wanted to take her home and have a long talk. A serious conversation between the two of them was long overdue.

Someone yelled “speech!” and Roy deferred to Johnny to get things started.

“First, I... we’d like to thank you for coming today. Um... Roy and I... uh... we did a lot of reminiscing this morning, and um... well, there’s not a lot left to say. I told Roy earlier that when all was said and done, I still owed him a few. Actually, I owe him everything. If it wasn’t for him I don’t think I ever would’ve joined the paramedic program, and I don’t know if I’d be here today if it wasn’t for that. Roy’s gonna make a great captain, and I wish him the best of luck.” Johnny shook hands with Roy, and quietly said, “Thanks, partner. I’ll miss you.”

Roy gathered his thoughts for a moment. “You know, if you asked me what it’s been like to work with Johnny for the last six years, I could probably tell you a hundred different things, and you’d think I was talking about ten different people. There was this one run I remember... there was this old man that had been trapped in a hillside cave-in, and we had cleared an opening, and just as Johnny was getting ready to go in, the policeman that had responded with us said something like... uh... “I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.” And Johnny just said “well, you’re not me” and went on in. I think that kind of sums it up... there isn’t anyone else quite like him, and I’d just like to say it’s been a real honor to call him partner and friend.”

Applause broke out and both men were a little relieved that their speeches were out of the way, a little grateful they had finally been able to express some of the words that eluded them earlier.

Johnny went to talk to Shannon as the guests began to leave; he came back a few minutes later to say good-bye to Roy and thank Joanne for the party.

“Joanne, I’m sorry we can’t stay to help clean up. Shannon isn’t feeling too good, and I’m gonna take her home so she can get some rest.” He kissed Joanne and shook Roy’s hand. “I’ll be in touch real soon.” He gave Roy a nervous smile, and Roy wished him luck.

Joanne felt like she had missed something, but she had other things on her mind, as she made her way over to where Shannon was waiting for Johnny.

The hugged each other, trying hard not to cry. “Call me,” Joanne whispered, “if there’s anything I can do.”

Johnny felt like he had missed something, but he’d been feeling that way all evening, as he took Shannon’s hand and walked her to the car.

* * * * * * * *

The house had been cleaned up and the kids were in bed, and Roy was enjoying the quiet of the late evening hour. He was perplexed by Joanne's nervousness and asked her to sit down with him on the couch and talk for a while. He had something he wanted to tell her.

“You and Shannon disappeared for quite a while this afternoon. Did you talk about anything interesting?” Roy kind of looked like the cat that ate the canary.

Joanne didn’t think it would be fair to tell Roy yet -- it wouldn’t be fair if he knew the truth before Johnny did. And there was always an outside chance Shannon would change her mind, but she didn’t hold out much hope for that.

“We just talked about things. Why do you ask? And why do you have that silly grin on your face?” Joanne was curious now, remembering the odd little exchange between Roy and Johnny when they said good-bye tonight.

The phone rang just then, and Joanne jumped up off the couch to go answer it. Roy turned on the TV to watch the late show and settled back on the couch, while he waited for her to come back so he could tell her the news. He was pretty sure Johnny wouldn’t mind.

When Joanne came back a few minutes later there were tears in her eyes. “Roy, I think you’d better go over to Johnny's and see if he’s all right.”

Roy sat up quickly. “Joanne, what’s happened? Who was that on the phone?”

“That was Shannon. She was calling from the airport... she was getting ready to board her flight back to Tennessee. She... she was worried about Johnny and thought maybe you could go out there and talk to him and make sure he’s okay.”

“I... I don’t understand. Johnny thought she would be staying for a few days. He was going to ask her to marry him. Joanne, what happened?”

Joanne shook her head at what Roy had just said. It was so sad. Johnny had waited too long, and now it was too late.

“Shannon told me earlier that she came here to tell Johnny... to tell him that she was getting married.” He gave her a blank look. “To someone else, Roy.”

Roy stared at her in disbelief, not knowing what to say.

“Shannon said she told Johnny right after they got back to his house. She expected him to act hurt or angry or to try to talk her out of it, but she said that he didn’t say a word -- he just walked out onto his deck and closed the door behind him. Shannon had to leave to catch her flight, and he wouldn’t even talk to her before she left. She thought maybe... maybe he’d talk to you if you went over there.”

Roy grabbed his keys and his jacket and headed for the door.

Joanne stopped him at the door. “Roy... tell Johnny....” What could she possibly say? “... tell Johnny... I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.” Roy hugged her and took off. He had no idea what he was going to say when he got there.

There were no lights on in the house, and Johnny didn’t answer the door when he knocked. Roy went around to the back of the house, and heard Jack softly whine at the sound of his footsteps. Johnny was sprawled out on a lounge chair with Jack on his lap, and his arm thrown over his eyes. He didn’t move, and Roy didn’t know if he was asleep or not, so he just sat down in the chair next to him and waited.

Five minutes passed, and still Johnny didn’t move. Roy shifted in his chair and thought about saying something, but Johnny beat him to it.

“Go home, Roy.”

“Johnny....”

“Go home to your wife and kids, Roy.”

“Johnny, is there anything I can do? I don’t have to go home. I can stay, and we can talk. Or not talk. Whatever you want.”

“What I want is for you to go home. Just leave me alone.”

“You shouldn’t be alone right now. I’m not going anywhere.”

Johnny pushed Jack off his lap and stood up to go inside.

“Suit yourself, Roy. I hope you brought a jacket, ‘cause you’re gonna get pretty cold sitting out here all night.”

With that, Johnny went in through the sliding glass door, and closed and locked it behind him and disappeared in the darkness.

* * * * * * * *

Roy came out of Treatment Room 4 and almost ran into Dixie in the hallway on her way back to the nurses station.

“Hey Roy, what are you doing here?” Dixie asked as she climbed onto her chair, “I thought C-shift was working today?”

“It is... I swapped shifts with Dwyer. They’re making some schedule changes, and it worked out better for both of us to switch.” Roy looked a little sad. “You know, Dix, today’s my last day as a paramedic. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really looking forward to moving up to Lancaster next week, but... it’s just... I don’t know... hard.”

Dixie knew exactly what he meant. It was hard for her too. She had gotten so used to seeing Johnny and Roy together for so many years, that things around the emergency room would be far less interesting, and far less entertaining, without them.

“So, have you talked to Johnny lately?” Dixie hadn’t seen or heard from him since the party.

“Yeah. I... uh... I called him the other night at his station. It was his first day on the job at 22's, and I wanted to know how it went. How it felt to be a captain and all, you know? He sounded all right, I guess. Said the guys threw him a welcome barbecue and made him feel right at home. Word is, he’s got a really good crew, so he should do real well... but he was already complaining about the paperwork, so I’d say some things are back to normal.”

Dixie shared a smile with Roy. “I’m glad. If you talk to him again soon, tell him not to be a stranger.” There was a long pause before she asked, “But how is he really doing, Roy?”

Roy shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. “I can’t tell, Dix. He won’t talk about it.”

That didn’t surprise Dixie. “Maybe it’s too soon. Give him some time.”

“Yeah... but you know Johnny. This may be one of those things he’ll never talk about. I don’t know Dix, I don’t understand any of it....”

“Don’t understand any of what, Roy?” Kelly Brackett had walked up behind them, catching only the tail end of the conversation.

Dixie quickly interceded on Roy's behalf. “Kel, today is Roy's last day with us. He’s gonna be turning in his paramedic patch and pinning on that new Captains badge of his.”

Brackett held out his hand to shake Roy’s. “You know I wish you the best of luck, Roy. It sure won’t be the same around here without you guys, but I guess this was bound to happen some day. I just hope you know we’re gonna miss you.”

“Thanks, Dr. Brackett. I feel the same way. We all hoped that someday things would change and we could get a promotion and still be paramedics, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon. We all have to move on some time, I suppose. I want you to know I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

Just then, Joe Early opened the door and poked his head out. “Sorry to interrupt, Kel, but can you come in here a minute? County 45 has a couple of injuries, and I could use your help.”

“Sure Joe.” Brackett headed into the room. “Roy, if I don’t see you again before the end of your shift... good luck. Be sure to keep in touch, and next time you talk to him, tell Johnny to do the same.”

Roy’s HT beeped as he waved good-bye to Brackett.

“Squad 51, what’s your status?”

“Squad 51, available from Rampart Hospital”

“Squad 51, respond to warehouse incident. 2402 Santa Fe Avenue, cross street, Washington Blvd. 2-4-0-2 Santa Fe Avenue. Explosion with injuries.”

Roy jotted down the address, and acknowledged back to dispatch. “Well, Dixie, it looks like I may be back after all. I’m gonna grab Dave, and we’ll see you later.” Dave Peters was just coming down the hallway when he saw Roy signal, and together they headed out through the doors to the squad.

Kelly Brackett came out of the base station room just after Roy left. “Dixie, 45 is bringing in two injured firemen. They should be here in about 20 minutes. I need you to get two treatment rooms ready, and notify x-ray to send down a portable unit. See if you can find Morton and let him know Joe and I are going to need his help.”

Dixie set off immediately to get things ready, and Brackett returned to the room to listen in on the transmissions, while Squad 45 waited for the ambulance and the other squad to arrive on the scene.

* * * * * * * *

Ken Ballard and Tim Welch grabbed a cup of coffee and hung around the nurses station, waiting for someone to come out and update them on the condition of the two firefighters they had brought in before making themselves available again.

They watched the portable x-ray unit being wheeled into Treatment Room 2, and a minute later, Dr. Brackett and Dixie came out to join them.

“How’s he doin’, Doc?”

“Well, I think he’ll be okay. Looks like he was pretty lucky... broken arm and some cuts and bruises. Joe said the other one’s doing okay too.” Brackett asked Ballard, “What happened out there, anyway?” as he accepted the cup of coffee Dixie handed him and took a sip.

“We got called out on what we thought was just a routine first-alarm warehouse fire. It wasn’t all that bad when we arrived on the scene. The engine crews reported the fire was out, and we were getting ready to go in and do a quick sweep to see if anyone was in there when the whole building just exploded. There hadn’t been any indication that they were storing anything dangerous in there, and it took everyone by surprise. Most of the men had already come out, and we just had three men left inside when it blew. These two were almost all the way out of the building... that’s probably what saved their lives. If it had happened just a few minutes earlier, it’s doubtful they would have been so lucky.”

Welch picked up the story from there. “While we were waiting for the ambulance, we heard the police questioning the owner of the warehouse. I guess a friend of his owns a paint company a few blocks away, and he said he was doing his friend a favor by storing some things for him for a few days. Apparently the owner of the paint company had been cited for some storage violations, and wanted to relocate some of the stuff temporarily until he could figure out what to do. Turns out the “things” were drums of nitrate. The owner of the warehouse claimed he didn’t know what was in the drums, so he didn’t think it was important to mention it before anybody went into the building.”

“Nitrate... isn’t that what they use in explosives?” Dixie asked. “Why would a paint company have drums of nitrate?”

“Believe it or not, it’s a common ingredient in making some types of paints. They mix it with cellulose, which stabilizes it, then use the mixture to produce a quick-dry industrial lacquer. It’s not illegal to have it, but you’d have to be an idiot to let it sit around in an unprotected area. That’s the reason he was cited in the first place. The police might arrest the owner of the paint company for criminal negligence... I don’t know what they’re gonna do with the guy who owns... owned... the warehouse. There isn’t much of it left.”

“You said there were three men inside when it blew...?” Brackett's question hung in the air, and he and Dixie saw the look on their faces darken.

Ballard cleared his throat. “The two firemen we brought in were from Station 22. John Gage was in there with them....”

The silence lasted a long time before he continued.

“Johnny had already sent his men out of the building while he went to check on something... no one knew exactly where he was when it happened... they were still looking for him when we left. We took off just as soon as we saw Squad 51 pull up, and haven’t heard anything more since then.”

Welch and Ballard waited expectantly for an explanation of the look that Kelly Brackett and Dixie McCall shared with each other.

Dixie answered the question before they asked. “Roy’s working today.”

* * * * * * * *

Roy and Dave saw the ambulance and the squad take off as soon as they drove up. They hopped out and grabbed their turnout coats, and quickly reported to Frank Harris, the captain in charge at the scene. Roy noticed that a couple of the men stared openly as he jogged by, and wondered what was up. Even Captain Harris seemed a little uncomfortable at his presence, but Roy ignored it, figuring they’d had a pretty rough time of it, judging by the condition of the building.

“Dispatch said there were some injuries. I saw Squad 45 and the ambulance pull away when we got here. What do you need us to do, Cap?” Roy asked.

Harris glanced at the building, then back at Roy. “They were transporting two of our men that were injured in the explosion, but we’ve still got one more man in there somewhere. We’re searching for him now. Roy... um... I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to send you in to help.”

Roy didn’t understand why the captain was apologizing for sending him in to do his job. Harris’ eyes looked past him, and Roy looked over his shoulder to see what the captain was looking at. Engine 22 was sitting there, covered with dust and debris from the building. Further explanations weren’t necessary.

Harris had worked with Johnny and Roy on a number of calls in years past, and he knew they were both as professional as they came, yet he was still surprised at Roy's composure. Everyone knew how tight Gage and DeSoto were, and yet there wasn’t a moment of hesitation in his voice.

“How long has he been in there, Cap?”

“It’s been almost 30 minutes. The walls on the inside and the roof have collapsed, and it’s pretty dangerous to move around in there. We don’t know exactly where Gage was at the time of the explosion, so we’ve started searching from the point where his two men saw him last, and we’re working out from there. We think he may have been pretty close to the point of origin of the explosion. Roy... I... I don’t know if he could’ve survived the blast. I’m sorry I have to send you in there. It could be pretty rough.”

Roy let it be known it was time for the apologies to stop. “Cap, you couldn’t keep me out of there if you wanted to.” Roy started to walk back to the squad when Harris’ HT came alive.

“Cap, this is Fowler. We’ve spotted him. It’s gonna take us a minute to work our way over there. Stand by.”

“Ten-four, standing by.”

Roy and Dave Peters pulled the biophone and the drug and trauma boxes out of the squad, and waited impatiently for the next report. It took forever.

“Cap, Fowler again. We’re in the southwest corner of the building. We’ve managed to get to Captain Gage... he’s unconscious, but he’s got a pulse. He’s trapped under a lot of debris, and we can’t move him. If we’ve got some paramedics out there, get ‘em in here quick... he doesn’t look too good. It’s gonna to take a while to figure out what we can do to lift this stuff off him without making it worse.”

Roy and Dave had disappeared through the doorway before the transmission was even completed. The building was a wreck, and they had to carefully pick their way through the mass of concrete rubble and downed beams, broken sprinkler pipes and fallen light fixtures to finally reach the other men, hurrying as much as they could without causing anything else to fall.

Roy headed for the narrow opening that had been cleared to where Johnny was trapped, but Fowler put his hand on Roy’s arm and stopped him for a minute before letting him continue.

“Roy... you need to be real careful in there. That wall looks like it’s about ready to go... it’s real unstable, and the wrong move could bring it down on top of both of you. I’m gonna go out and talk things over with Captain Harris, and figure out what we need to bring in to shore this up, so we can lift this stuff off of him. It may take a little time, Roy... but we’ll get it done as quick as we can. If you need any other equipment brought in, just ask any of the guys here and they’ll get it for you.”

Roy nodded, and asked him to have the oxygen from the squad sent in, then suggested to Peters that he wait there until Roy had a chance to assess Johnny's condition. Roy carefully began to work his way to Johnny's side, having to get down and crawl under some broken beams and sprinkler pipes the last few feet.

Johnny was lying kind of twisted on his left side, his helmet a few feet away, crushed under the weight of fallen concrete. A thin trail of blood sliced across his forehead. His face was covered with dust and his air mask had been pulled down, and Roy wondered if Johnny had been conscious long enough to do that, or if he hadn’t been wearing it to begin with. His tank would have run out of air a long time ago, but without the mask on, his lungs would have filled with smoke and dust particles. Johnny's lower body disappeared under a huge slab of concrete and several beams, and his position made it difficult for Roy check out his injuries or get vitals. He could detect a pulse. Roy called to Dave to join him and to bring the biophone and drug box and some flashlights.

Roy kept a steady voice as he asked Peters to open a line to Rampart, while he pulled out the shears and carefully began to cut away the straps of Johnny's air tank. When Roy heard Brackett answer, he took the phone that Dave was holding out to him. Roy let Peters know he appreciated his quiet support.

“Rampart, this is County 51.”

“Go ahead 51.”

“Rampart, we have an injured firefighter, age 28, trapped under some debris from a warehouse explosion. Injury occurred about 35 minutes ago. Access to victim is limited at the moment. Please stand by while we try to get some vitals.”

“Standing by 51.”

Everyone listening on both ends was amazed at the calmness in Roy's voice, knowing it had to be taking a tremendous effort for him to remain objective.

Roy quietly explained to Peters that they were going to have to remove the breathing apparatus, and then try to cut away his turnout coat. There was barely enough room for the two of them to work, but they managed to get the job done, moving Johnny, and the debris surrounding him, as little as possible. Roy checked for a pulse again and nodded to Peters.

Silently, Peters handed Roy the BP cuff and stethoscope, and moved the angle of the flashlights so Roy could see better, then picked up the phone to let Rampart know vitals were coming. He calmly repeated each as Roy called them out.

“Rampart, patient is unconscious. Suspect possible concussion from the blast. He has a three-inch laceration across his forehead with minimal bleeding. Pupils are equal but sluggish. BP is... 80 over 60, pulse is 120 and weak and thready. Respirations are... stand by... 22 and labored. He appears pale and his skin is cold and his capillary response is slow. We’re unable to see any visible signs of injury, and can’t move him yet to determine the location and extent of other injuries at this time.”

“51, do you have any idea how long it’ll be before you can move him?”

“That’s negative Rampart. It could be a while.”

“His vitals indicate he’s probably bleeding somewhere. Start 2 IVs... normal saline and continue to monitor blood pressure. Make sure to maintain a clear breathing passage and administer oxygen, 15 liters. Repeat vitals after IVs are established. 51, is there any way you can determine the location of the bleeding?”

Roy shook his head.

“That’s negative Rampart. We’ll start IVs and report new vitals. Stand by.”

Roy peered through the opening in the jumbled mess over them, and stared at the unstable wall for a moment while Peters pulled out the tubing and bags of saline from the drug box. The lighting in their small pocket of space was poor, and dust continued to settle from the remains of the roof. He could hear the voices of the men behind him as they began to bring in shoring materials to steady the wall. That would have to be done before they could attempt to lift the fallen debris off Johnny so they could move him. Roy knew that everyone was working as fast as they dared, but he was afraid it wasn’t going to be fast enough.

Roy managed to establish the IVs, and a second set of vitals was relayed to Brackett. Johnny's blood pressure had come up just slightly, but his overall condition remained the same. There was nothing more they could do but wait.

Roy put the biophone handset down, and rubbed the dust from his eyes. His back was already aching from his cramped position and his nerves of steel were threatening to snap. He looked up to see Dave Peters watching him with concern. Roy took a deep breath and nodded to Peters to let him know he was okay. Dave told Roy to call him if he needed him, then backed out through the beams to see if he could help the others. There was nothing more he could do for the moment, and he suspected that Roy needed some time alone.

“Roy?” It was barely a whisper.

Roy turned his head to see Johnny's eyes open, looking for him. It had been a monumental struggle to maintain his detachment while Johnny was unconscious, but now it was almost impossible.

Roy tried hard to sound confident as he moved into Johnny's line of sight. “Hey, Johnny, I’m right here. We’re gonna get you out of here in a minute. We’re just trying to decide the best way to do it. You just hang on... you’re gonna be okay.”

Even in the poor light, Johnny could see that Roy's face told a different story than his words.

Johnny reached up a shaking hand and pulled off the oxygen mask. “Roy... how... how... bad?”

Pain clouded Johnny's brown eyes, but Roy could see he needed to hear the truth. Johnny always had a thing for total honesty at times like this -- they had argued angrily once about just how much truth a person really needed to hear. Even after things had cooled off between them, Johnny had called Roy stubborn, blind and insensitive. Roy disagreed with him then, and was never convinced that Johnny was right, but he knew he had to play it Johnny's way this time. The plain, honest truth.

Roy looked his friend straight in the eyes. “It’s bad, Johnny. We think you’ve lost a lot of blood, but we can’t tell where you’re hurt or do anything about it until we get you out of here. The problem is... we can’t try to move you right now, or we could bring everything down on top of you. But we’re workin’ on it. It shouldn’t be too much longer.” He hoped that last part was indeed the truth.

Johnny closed his eyes and, except for the sound of his labored breathing, was quiet. Roy wasn’t sure if he’d passed out again, hoping maybe he had. The look in his eyes had told Roy he was in tremendous pain. Roy carefully replaced the oxygen mask.

Johnny opened his eyes again and tried to talk. He was having difficulty getting the words to come out.

“... leg... hip. ... broken.”

“Johnny... your leg... can you tell me where it hurts? Which leg?” Roy knew any information Johnny could give him now would help when they got him out.

“Ri...ri..ght... upper... maybe fem’r.” His breathing was becoming more rapid as the pain sharply increased. “Hip... hurts... hurts....”

Roy rested one hand on Johnny's chest to try to calm him down, and picked up the biophone with the other.

“Rampart, this is County 51”

“Go ahead 51.”

“Rampart, patient is now semiconscious and coherent. It sounds like we might have a pelvic injury and possible fractured femur. Rampart, he’s in considerable pain. Is there anything we can give him?”

Roy knew better than to ask, but Brackett understood the strained pleading in his voice.

“Negative 51. We don’t know if there’s a head injury and we don’t want to worry about drugs suppressing his breathing right now. Can you give me an update on his vitals?”

Roy could tell every touch and every movement caused Johnny more agony. Nothing had changed since the last set. He adjusted the oxygen flow and checked the IV drips.

Johnny's breathing slowed down, and talking was a little easier. “Roy... just... just do what you have to do... just get me outta here... a stay at Rampart... sounds like... vacation... compared to this... ” The pain was unimaginable -- far worse than any Johnny had ever felt. He wanted nothing more than to pass out again and wake up a week or two later in a hospital bed. Some of the pain would surely have to be gone by then.

Roy was going to go see what was taking so long. “All right, Junior. You just hang on and I’ll be right back.”

Roy realized he hadn’t called Johnny that in years, and then only as a joke. Once he had gotten to know Johnny, Roy had discovered there was a person beneath that youthful exterior who often seemed older than his years. Someone had once described Johnny as an old soul, saying that the gentle spirits of generations of his ancestors dwelled there. The more he learned about Johnny, the more Roy was inclined to believe that was true. Johnny had shared some private things from his past with Roy one night, and Roy had never quite looked at him the same after that, and somehow the nickname no longer fit.

“Hey, Roy.” His free hand grasped Roy’s sleeve. Roy leaned closer again to hear the words, wracked with pain, that now came more slowly. “I... I believe that’s... Captain Junior to you now... pally.”

Humor in the face of all this. Roy had to smile. “You’re right, Cap. Sorry.” He was instantly serious again when some of the debris overhead started to shift. “I’m gonna go check and see what they’ve decided to do. I’ll be right back... don’t go anywhere, okay?” Roy started to shift, but Johnny's grip on his sleeve tightened.

“Don’t... don’t leave me. S..st..stay.” Johnny's breathing was becoming more ragged, and it was obvious he wasn’t going to be able to withstand the pain much longer.

Roy settled back down. “Okay, Johnny. I’m not goin’ anywhere. I won’t leave you. Just try to calm down and breath a little slower.” Roy gently brushed some of the dirt from Johnny's face.

Johnny wasn’t looking good. He looked deathly pale even in the dim light. Roy anxiously looked around, and saw Captain Harris and Fowler motioning him to come out. Their faces looked grave.

“Roy?” Johnny hadn’t let go of his sleeve. “Tell... tell Shannon... I....”

“Johnny, just be quiet and take it easy. You can tell Shannon yourself when we get you out of here.”

Johnny pulled the oxygen mask off in frustration and grabbed for the sleeve again, holding on with a strength that surprised Roy.

“No... no time... tell her... tell her ‘m sorry.... I wanted to keep... my... my promise. I... I tried... Tell her I wanted to, Roy. Ple... please tell her... sorry... tell her... tell her I... love....” His voice trailed off as he struggled just to take a breath.

Roy had never heard Johnny beg for anything before. If there ever was a moment when Roy thought he would lose it, this was it.

“I’ll tell her Johnny, I promise. I’ll tell her.” His voice and his heart were breaking in tandem as he made his promise.

Johnny felt the icy grayness of exhaustion begin to wrap itself around him, and he struggled to fight it off for one more moment.

“Roy?”

“Yeah?”

Johnny's eyes closed and the only mumbled words Roy could make out were "thanks" and "friend." Roy felt the grip loosen on his sleeve, and Johnny's hand fell away.

No, Johnny... Oh God, no.

LINK TO CONCLUSION