If we ever wish to know angels for what they truly are...
perhaps it is we who must first learn to fly.
--Anonymous
"JOHNNY ANGEL"
A CHRISTMAS FABLE
Christmas Day. A day that celebrates the birth of Jesus. A day that children wake up to find Santa and his reindeer have been there in the night. A day to remember the gracious heavenly gift of everlasting life. A day to exchange presents and eat too much and fall asleep watching TV. A day to spend sharing the rich closeness of family and good friends and to count your blessings. A day to think about how to beat the crowds at the after-Christmas sales that start bright and early the next morning.
Christmas Day. A day with a message. Late December brings a season that is almost universal in nature -- a season that each continent and each country and those who live there... people of all different races and of all different beliefs… celebrates with their own proud traditions and in their own manner of worship. Regardless of how the holiday period itself is observed, it is viewed by many the world over as a time to reflect on the wish for peace on earth and goodwill toward men. It is the timeless message spoken by prophets and heralded by angels throughout history.
Christmas Day. A day that delights both young and old alike. It's an amazing day that seems to capture the imagination of people everywhere with its enduring mystery and magic and its fundamental belief that there is a power greater than mankind… be it God or be it Santa Claus… or both. Whether you read to your children on Christmas Eve, as you tuck them into bed, from the New Testament Book of Matthew, or from Dickens "A Christmas Carol"… whether you then go watch "It's a Wonderful Life" or "Miracle on 34th Street"… in the end it is the spirit of loving and sharing, of giving and caring for your fellow man that rises above the commercialism and reaches out to touch your soul. If only for a day.
Christmas Day. A day when our beliefs are put to the test. A day when we decide who and what it is we will ultimately put our faith in. A day when even the most cynical and doubtful of us seem to want to believe that angels really do walk the earth amongst us.
* * * * * * *
To those who are willing to believe, no explanation of these events is necessary...
and to those who are not willing to believe, no explanation is possible.
-- Joan Wester Anderson
* * * * * * *
Johnny yawned and tiredly rubbed his left eye, then combed his fingers through his hair, pushing it off his forehead. It was still wet from his short dash in the heavy rain to get from the house to the Rover. Wiping his fingers dry on the leg of his jeans, he shifted his position, stretching his fatigued muscles, trying as best he could to get comfortable. His back and shoulders were complaining from all the lifting he'd done the last two days, and he was glad to finally be headed home for a few hours sleep in his own bed. Johnny rolled down his window for some fresh air in an attempt to ward off the drowsiness that was threatening to close his eyelids. He inhaled deeply. The night air was clean and cool and damp, and the gentle breeze felt refreshing as it drifted in and brushed lightly across his face.
The rain had stopped shortly after he started for home, but intermittent pockets of foggy white mist still hung low, hugging the road and the hillside, creating havoc with visibility as Johnny drove along through the dark, deserted canyon. The clouds overhead were just beginning to break apart and the almost-full moon was stubbornly attempting to push through the slowly widening cracks between them, but failing in the effort. Rounding each curve in the road presented a new challenge for his tired eyes -- sometimes it was completely clear, and other times the fog was so thick he couldn't even see the painted line that divided the two lanes of the narrow, winding County Road.
Johnny thought he caught a glimpse of blurred headlights in the distance. He briefly wondered who else was dumb enough to be driving through the canyon at three o'clock on Christmas morning. The smart thing would have been for him to stay on the 101 until it connected with the 405, but it was sometimes his habit when coming this way to cut down Kanan Road through the Santa Monica Mountains to where it dead ended at Pacific Coast Highway near Malibu, then to drive toward home along the coast. The views from the hilltops and the distinctly Southern California terrain were completely obscured by the darkness and fog, and it now seemed rather pointless for him to be out here all alone on this cold and misty silent night.
Not originally planning to come this way, Johnny couldn't think of a reason for his last-minute decision to take the turnoff. No stranger to sudden impulses for as long as he could remember, he had learned early in life to follow them.... Sometimes doing that landed him in trouble, sometimes not. Too weary to come up with an explanation for this one, he hoped that whatever had told him to come this way tonight wasn't going to end up being the former… he was exhausted and just wanted to get home and go to bed.
Regardless of his choice of roads, he persuaded himself to relax. With no traffic to worry about, he knew it would take less than an hour from this point to get to his apartment, and Johnny figured he'd be able to get in about four hours of much-needed sleep before heading to Roy's for breakfast. He knew he'd better be on time or Chris and Jennifer would disown him... after they opened his presents, of course. Chris would anyway.... Jennifer was still a little too young to figure it out on her own. He smiled as he remembered the look on Chris' face when he had taken the presents over earlier in the week, and Joanne had told the kids they couldn't open them until Johnny arrived on Christmas morning. Chris had discreetly enlisted his little sister's help to beg Johnny to spend the night on Christmas Eve -- and it almost worked -- but he'd already promised his friends and soon-to-be former neighbors, Kenny and Linda, that he'd help them move into their new house in Ventura.
After several construction delays, they had finally gotten the keys three days ago. Since Linda had her heart set on waking up on Christmas morning in her brand new home, Johnny had spent the last two days helping Kenny carry furniture -- first down the apartment stairs into the small borrowed truck, then out of the truck and into the new house. His Rover had come in handy for hauling the carefully packed boxes that contained their more fragile possessions. Amazed at how much stuff could be accumulated living in a small apartment, Johnny promised himself that if he ever moved, he'd just sell everything or leave it behind and start all over. Moving was harder and more exhausting than hauling hose, and that was no Sunday picnic the park.
They had finally gotten the last of everything moved in late in the evening, and Johnny stayed for dinner, then helped them put up their tree at midnight. Linda invited him to stay over and sleep in the extra bedroom, but tired as he was from a rough, sleepless shift -- followed by the last two days of moving furniture -- he declined. Knowing that she had a special Christmas announcement planned for Kenny, Johnny didn't want to intrude on their personal time together. He stayed late enough as it was, and besides, he really wanted to sack out at his own place, then head over to Roy's before nine o'clock. The kids would kill him if he was late.
While trying unsuccessfully to stifle yet another yawn, Johnny gave fleeting thought to the fact he hadn't seen the headlights from the other car for a while. There weren't any turnoffs or side roads along this stretch of the canyon, and he thought he should have been able to spot them again from time to time. He wondered if maybe he had just imagined seeing them through the haze, knowing how the mind can play funny tricks when you're drop-dead tired.
He rolled the window back up, then reached over to turn the heater on again. Even though he was dressed warmly, the damp breeze sent a shiver coursing through him. Johnny was glad he wasn't on duty tonight -- he hated being out in this kind of weather -- even at his young age, it caused his bones to ache, and his joints to stiffen just enough to remind him of every injury he had ever suffered since his first broken arm at the age of three. Even that really hadn't been his fault… the stupid worn shingle on the roof wasn't nailed down tightly and slipped when he stepped on it. Of course, his parents never had understood what possessed him to climb up on the roof to begin with. Johnny sighed at the vague, long-forgotten memory of the trouble he had gotten into over that adventure, then shivered again. In spite of the late hour, the thought of a long, hot, steamy shower was suddenly very appealing.
As Johnny crested the next hill, it appeared that the fog was lifting from the road as it wound its way down toward the randomly scattered lights of Malibu. The inside of the Rover had warmed up, and he could feel his eyelids starting to grow heavy again. Radio reception wasn't the best up here, so he glanced over to see what tapes were lying on the other seat, figuring some music would help keep him awake for the remainder of the drive. He started to reach for one just as he went around a particularly sharp curve; suddenly realizing his downhill speed had picked up considerably, he hit the brakes and turned the steering wheel a bit too hard. The back tires slid on the rain-slickened asphalt, causing the Rover to fishtail slightly. Too close to the edge of the road, Johnny reprimanded himself for not paying attention. He and Roy had responded to a few calls in this area, and knew it was no place to be careless. Having no intention of making this his last Christmas on earth, Johnny eased up on the brakes and corrected the steering, then downshifted, deciding that slowing down more gradually would be a wise idea.
Sensing he had been a little short in the thinking-smart department all night, he put both hands firmly on the steering wheel and decided to forget the music, and just concentrate on his driving.
Johnny would remember later closing his eyes for just one second.
A half-second too long.
There was little time to react. As he came around the curve, the other car was there in the road directly in front of him -- its headlights off -- the driver apparently unaware his car had crossed into the outside lane and was about to plunge headfirst through the barricade and over the side of the hill. Johnny laid on his horn, simultaneously braking hard, but too late to avoid the fated impact. With tires squealing, the rear wheels of the Rover locked and skidded on the wet road, swinging it sideways, parallel with the old Chevy. Johnny fought hard to regain control as the front driver's side of the Rover slammed into the back half of the passenger side of the car.
If there had been room, the car would have spun around -- instead it smashed sideways through the small barricade and flipped as it went over the edge, then rolled several more times through the wet, dense brush before coming to a precarious stop upside down on the sloping hillside, halfway between the road and the bottom of the small ravine.
The sudden impact crushed the front fender and the door of the Rover inward; the force of the collision whipped him first right -- then quickly back left. Johnny's head and shoulder connected with the cracked glass of the side window and split open his forehead above his left eye. As he felt the warm current of blood begin to flow down his face, Johnny had no choice but to surrender himself to the inevitable, knowing that whatever would happen next was in someone else's hands.
His last conscious thought, as the Rover followed the Chevy over the side, was that he hoped Chris and Jennifer wouldn't be too mad at him for being late for Christmas breakfast.
* * * * * * *
She heard him moan in pain. It seemed like forever, but it had actually only been a few minutes since they both went over the side. The sounds of the crash and its terrifying aftermath had echoed through the hills… but with no one to hear them, they had disappeared into the night. In the dreadful silence that followed, she had thought he was dead.
It wasn't supposed to happen this way. No one else was supposed to get hurt. She tried to tell herself that if someone was stupid enough be on this road at this time of night and get in her way, it was their problem, not hers. She hadn't counted on this, and was feeling both guilty and angry.
"Hey, you! In the other car! Can you hear me?" She called out as loudly as she could. Her question was answered by another moan.
"Mister! Can you hear me? Are you all right?" It took all the strength she could muster just to call out to him again, then she lay her head back, groaning loudly at her own predicament; holding her breath while the pain came and went, she waited to see if he would come around enough to answer her.
After a few more minutes and a few more moans, she could hear him try to move around. A sarcastic smile crossed her features when she finally heard him talk. Anyone who could rattle off that many vivid expletives in one mumbled breath couldn't be hurt too badly. The smile faded and she cursed under her own breath that he was even there. He had ruined everything.
Trying to draw a deep breath, she called to him one more time, "Hey, you over there... answer me! Are you all right?"
Johnny hadn't quite figured out what had happened, and was startled to hear another voice. He wasn't sure yet if he was all right. Things were still a little fuzzy and he wasn't able to sit up, but it was obvious someone was demanding an answer from him.
"Y..ye..yeah. " He gave it some more thought. "N.. No… don't…don't know yet." He wiped some blood off his face with his right hand, but it was quickly replaced with more. His head felt like it just got whacked by a homerun swing of a Louisville slugger, and his left arm and shoulder hurt like hell, but he couldn't tell yet if there was anything else wrong. The rest of him felt a little numb from the shock of the impact.
She relaxed a little. He sounded like maybe he was going to be okay, at least if it didn't take too long for help to show up. She stiffened again at that thought… what did she care if he was going to be okay or not? He was simply an unseen stranger who had gotten in the way of her plans. She didn't want help to show up. A searing stab of pain shot through her and she gasped loudly in reflex.
Johnny recognized the sound that came from a short distance away and struggled to sit up, but couldn't. He was dizzy, and in the dark he could barely see his hands in front of his face, let alone see what was pinning him down. Lying still again, he tried to relax and focus on the other person who sounded like she needed help.
"How bad are you hurt?" He asked, when a second ragged gasp reached his ears.
After a few seconds of silence, she finally answered. "Not… not too bad… it kinda hurts to breathe deep though."
The voice sounded surprisingly young to Johnny. "Try not to move around too much," he cautioned. He thought it was possible she might have broken some ribs that could puncture a lung… if that hadn't already happened. "Are… are you hurt anywhere else?" He hoped concentrating on her would help take his mind off his own raging headache.
"I... I don't think so," she lied. "I don't think I could move right now if I wanted to. I got thrown out of the car, and it's sorta got my legs pinned under it. I can't see you, but your car is really close to mine. I could hear every bad word you said a few minutes ago."
Another time, he might have been embarrassed, but the blinding pain behind his eyes only made him want to repeat everything he had said earlier. He wiped the blood away again and blinked hard, trying to clear his vision and adjust his eyes to the semi darkness inside the Rover. The clouds had begun to float away, and with the help of the early morning moonlight that filtered in through the broken windshield, he was finally able to see around him.
The Rover was lying on its side -- the driver's side -- Johnny was lying on his left side too, his head and shoulder resting on the window, the rest of him pressed against the door, scrunched between the seat and the steering column and dashboard. His lower leg and foot was trapped under the dash between the clutch and where the fender had been pushed in by the collision. Surprisingly, it didn't feel like any bones were broken… actually the leg didn't hurt much at all… but after trying for several minutes to pull it free, he discovered it was wedged in so tightly that there was no way he could work it out without breaking his ankle.
Exhausted even before the accident, the effort to free himself now drained him completely. He lay back, breathing hard from the exertion. His head was pounding and his shoulder ached. He tried to peer out through the cracks in the windshield and was barely able to make out the outline of the other car in the dark, but couldn't see the girl.
The Rover had tipped on its side as it went off the road, but rather than turning over and rolling down the hill like the car had, it just slid down the wet and slightly muddy slope and came to a stop in the brush near the side of the upside-down Chevy. What had kept the car from continuing its tumble down the slope was anyone's guess. One little gust of wind, one little mud slide, one rock underneath the car giving way, and it would be all over for her. Johnny wasn't much better off.
"You're being quiet again. Are you really okay?" Her demanding voice sounded almost concerned this time.
"Y..e..a..h," he answered slowly, "I'm just tryin' to figure out if there's any way I can get out of here without getting us both ki...." He stopped, knowing that wasn't the right thing to say. "What I mean is… without making things any worse than they already are. I… I don't think I can move around too much either."
"It doesn't matter to me, so feel free to move around all you want." came the flat reply.
He wasn't sure what to make of that remark. Realizing they were going to be here a while, he decided he might as well introduce himself. "My name's John. Johnny. What… what's yours?" The effort it took to speak made his head spin. He was having trouble focusing his thoughts again.
Noticing she hesitated to tell him her name, he closed his eyes and thought about asking her again, but at the moment the ringing in his ears and the pounding in his head probably would have drowned out her answer.
"Rachel... my name's Rachel." She finally answered.
He didn't say anything else right away and it made her angry.
"Oh, this is great," she mumbled to herself. "Don't you DARE die on me!" she yelled.
There was still no answer.
"Hey! Hey you!" She yelled louder, then waited for any sound from him.
"WAKE UP! She screamed at him, the level of her voice matching the level of her pain. She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth, and waited for him to answer.
"Mmm.... Wh..what?" came the groggy reply.
She laid her head back on the muddy ground, mumbling softly so he wouldn't hear her. "Don't do that." Her pain subsided from a scream to a shout. "You okay?"
"Um… yeah, I'm okay. What happened?" He sounded confused.
"I don't know. You asked my name… then all of a sudden you stopped talking. What's wrong with you anyway?" Her voice had a hard edge to it again, but it was all Johnny could do to understand what she was saying without picking up on the antagonism directed at him.
"I… uh… I… I hit my head. Hurts when I move. Sleepy… 'n tired. Had a long day. Friends moved. Wanna… just close my eyes… for a minute and...." He was mumbling now and she couldn't understand him.
"Oh, no you don't," she yelled again. "Hey!" Her chest and side ached more every time she raised up, but she wasn't about to let this man have what she came for…. "Hey you! Wake UP!"
"Huh? 'm awake. I'm.. 'm cold… tired… just let me sleep a little while." He started mumbling again… something about kids and being at someone's house in the morning.
"Yeah, well, I'm cold and tired too, and I'm the one laying in this mud instead of inside a car like you… but I'm not sleepin' so neither are you." She looked around for something to throw in his direction, not knowing exactly where he was, or if it would do any good if she did manage to hit his car. There was nothing near her, and she decided she didn't have the strength anyway.
Johnny was trying to figure out what her problem was. "I'm… I'm not… not sleeping."
"Coulda' fooled me," she said, resentful sarcasm dripping off the comment.
The silence returned. Rachel laid her head back again, and looked up to see that the clouds had all moved on and the moon and the stars were shining brightly in the skies overhead. It was a beautiful sight, and for a moment it made her regret that he had gotten hurt because of her.
She remembered a movie she had seen once, and wondered if it was true that someone with a head injury should stay awake… or they could die.
Damn him! She was not going to let him go before she did.
She tried one more time, growing more tired with the effort. "Do I have to come over there and make you stay awake?"
Johnny couldn't understand why she sounded so mad at him, but he knew it would be better if he stayed awake.
"Might help… can you?" he asked, sounding hopeful
"Do you think I'd still be here talking to you if I could get up?" she said angrily. "Did you forget I have a car laying on top of me?"
"Oh… yeah… guess I did." He shifted a little and groaned loudly when his shoulder hit something hard.
"You know, mister… I really don't wanna lay here and hafta listen to you moan and groan… would you mind keeping it down?" It was hard to tell through the harshness in her voice, but he thought he could detect a note of fear in there somewhere.
"S..sorry… didn't know… thought you weren't listening." He was struggling to keep up with the conversation. "Hurts when I move...."
She could hear the pain in his voice. "Sorry." she said aloud. If you hadn't gotten in my way this never would have happened.
"No… no problem" he replied, his voice fading.
"Mister? Hey, mister!" She reached up and banged on the car with her fists until her chest screamed again, and she lay back down. "Don't leave me." This time she was scared. She just didn't know if she was scared for him or for herself now.
"Can't help it… sleepy...." Johnny murmured. "Can you… can you just call me Johnny? It'd make me feel better if you did. Mister sounds old… 'm not old."
Calling him by his name made it personal. If she called him Johnny, it might mean she cared what happened to him. She didn't want to care. She didn't care.
"So tell me. How old are you…?… Johnny."
"Twenty-four. You?"
"Nineteen. Feels more like ninety."
"Life's been kinda hard, huh?. Wanna tell me about it?"
"Not really. Why would you care anyway? You don't know me." She bit her lip. He sounded genuinely interested. She wondered how this guy… who should have been blaming her for causing this accident that almost killed him… could sound like he cared about her.
"No… don't know you. Just thought maybe since you've tried so hard to keep me awake… you'd wanna just… keep talking. Tell you the truth, if you wanna shut up, I won't mind. I'd rather sleep than have you keep yelling at me… and by the way, why are you mad at me anyway? Most people don't get mad at me until after they get to know me."
She could hear the humor in his tired voice and smiled. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to tell him a little… especially if it kept him awake until help came.
"I… I guess it's not you I'm mad at. It's not your fault. None of it's your fault. I… I'm sorry I yelled at you, Johnny."
"… 's okay. Not the first… girl to yell at me. Just hope… you won't be… the last."
He sounded like he was drifting again. She started to talk.
"I don't even know where I was born. My folks moved around all the time, never stayed in one place very long. Seemed like every time I'd start to make friends with someone at school, we'd take off again and go somewhere else. After a while, I just gave up and came home from school and watched movies on TV all the time. People in the movies -- they were the only friends that I could ever keep -- they were always there, no matter where we went. When I was sixteen, my dad died. I really didn't miss him, and I was kinda glad… it meant we didn't have to move around any more. But then my mom went and got married again… to a real jerk… I couldn't take it anymore… so I left and been on my own ever since. Things have just gone from bad to worse, so I figured that I'd just put an end to it."
It had been a mistake, but she knew it was too late now to change anything.
"No one's even gonna know I'm gone, cause no one even knew I was here to begin with."
She had finished that last sentence so quietly, Johnny barely heard her.
"There must be someone?" he asked softly.
"Nope. Not a soul. What about you, Johnny? You married?"
"No."
"Steady girlfriend?"
"Not exactly."
"Why not? You sound kinda nice."
"I don't know… never seems to work out."
"You ever been in love, Johnny?"
There was no reply to that question. She thought maybe she struck a nerve.
"What happened?" She waited to see if he would answer.
"Just didn't work out. We were kinda young. I guess we just had different things to do with our lives." He wasn't sure why he told her about it. He hadn't thought about it himself in a long time.
"That's it? You just gave up and walked away?"
"It's not as simple as that, Rachel...."
"I don't know. I think if I had ever found someone that I loved and that loved me, I woulda done everything I could to hold onto him. Like they do in the movies."
"Life isn't like the movies. Not everything has a happy ending."
"You don't have to tell me that, Johnny. Look where we are right now."
"Yeah, well… you don't know… we don't know how this is gonna end just yet, do we? " he asked, wanting to get away from the depressing turn the conversation was taking.
Rachel was quiet for a long time. It was Johnny's turn to worry.
"Rachel… you… okay?"
When she started talking again, her voice sounded different. Calmer, the anger gone.
"I think maybe I do know how this is gonna turn out. You'll be okay. I'm the one who's got some things that need to be straightened out. Maybe I can do that now."
"You know, Rachel, there's a lot of good things… there's a lot of good people out there. Sometimes you just gotta open your eyes and see them."
"I think it's too late for me. But it really doesn't matter. Whether I'm here or not, nothing will change. Most of my life I've always thought it would have been better if I'd never been born. My folks sure thought so."
"You don't know that. Everybody has a reason for being here. I guess sometimes it's kinda hard to figure out what that reason is. You could've done something important and not even known it."
She laughed quietly. "You sound a little like Clarence in 'It's A Wonderful Life.' You gonna take me around and show me how different things would be if I hadn't been born? You tryin' to get your wings or something?"
Johnny hadn't seen that movie in a long time. "No… no, trust me. I don't think wings are in my immediate future whether I get out of here or not."
They were both quiet again for a long time. Johnny didn't think he could fight sleep much longer. He was cold and tired and his head hurt still. He couldn't even move his left arm.
Rachel could hear the sirens in the distance. To her ears, they sounded like music. She felt no pain now.
"Johnny, help is coming soon. I think it's okay if you go to sleep now."
"I don't… don't hear anything… you sure?"
"Trust me. They're almost here."
"You gonna be okay, Rachel?"
"Thanks to you Clarence, I think I got it all it all figured out. There is a reason.... I know why I'm here and everything's gonna be all right now."
"See you... at the hospital?"
"Go to sleep now, Johnny. I'll be seein' you around. I promise."
"Rachel.... Before we go.... Just wanted you to know… I... I'll know you were here."
Tears filled her eyes. He had just given her a priceless gift.
"Johnny.... You are an angel."
"Wouldn't go that far...."
"Tell you what. If I get to heaven before you, I'll put in a request that you get your wings while you're still down here. Just make sure you don't show up there in person any time soon, okay?"
"...'k... you gonna be quiet now so I can get some sleep?"
* * * * * * *
The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand;
the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.
--George Eliot
* * * * * * *
Someone was shining a penlight in his right eye and he blinked hard, trying to turn away from it. Johnny attempted to lift his right arm to push it away, but something was holding it down. Still drowsy, he kept looking at it until it finally registered that it was taped to an arm board. He was in a stokes and an IV was going. The rest of him was covered with several yellow blankets -- he could tell there as a backboard underneath him, and he felt the uncomfortable C-collar circling his neck. A familiar face hovered over him, and he tried to focus on it and remember who it was.
"Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Feeling any better?"
The voice was familiar too. It was Gary. Gary… somebody. Gary Franklin.
Johnny struggled to sit up and look around, but was gently pushed down.
"Gary? What… what happened… where....?"
Gary signaled to his partner. "Jimmy, he's awake again. This time he recognizes me."
Jim Spencer. Squad 18. They were a long way from home.
"Johnny…? Johnny… how are you feelin'?" Gary was serious now, checking his pulse again and recording it in the little notebook.
He wanted to say he felt lousy. "What happened?" came out again instead.
"You were in an accident -- your car went off the road in the canyon. You must've hit your head pretty hard -- it's still bleeding a little -- looks like it might take a couple of stitches. Your leg was trapped under the dashboard, and 65s engine crew helped get you out… do you remember that?"
"...um... sort of...."
"Well… you were only half awake when we got here. You were able to tell us the accident happened around three o'clock, but you weren't making a lot of sense… then you started mumbling something about being late and fell asleep again once we got you settled in the stokes."
"… time is it now?"
"Just a little after six. Someone driving by about a half-hour ago noticed the broken barricade and drove down and called the sheriff's." Gary paused to check Johnny's pupil reaction again.
Johnny tried to turn his head away again, and let out a strangled groan at the pain caused by the sudden movement.
"Hey… just take it easy, Johnny," Gary said, "the ambulance will be here in a few minutes. We're gonna transport you to the nearest hospital with an ER… St. Mary's in Malibu. We should have you there in no time and they'll get you all fixed up."
As he lay there taking a slow inventory of his aches and pains, the recollection of the accident and his conversation with Rachel came flooding back to him. He suddenly tried to sit up and this time his shoulder screamed in pain, right along with his head.
Jim was beside him and pushed him down again, with a stern warning this time. "Johnny, you've got to be still, or we're gonna have to strap you to the backboard. We don't think you have a back or neck injury, but until we get you to the hospital for some x-rays, we're not going to take any chances. So just calm down and lie still, will ya?"
"Okay… okay...." Johnny reluctantly agreed, only because his head and shoulder hurt like hell every time he moved. "Rachel. What about Rachel? Is she okay? Did you… get her out?" They could hear the anxiety in his tone.
Jim didn't know what to say. When they arrived on the scene, Johnny was half-asleep and a little incoherent at times… he kept trying to ask about Rachel while they worked to extricate him from the Rover. Not wanting to agitate him by avoiding his questions, they had instead assured him they had gotten her out and she was already on her way to the hospital. Jim didn't like lying to a friend, but under the circumstances, he and Gary agreed it was the right thing to do at the time.
"Johnny, I told you before… remember...? We got her out. Just calm down. I'm sure someone can fill you in on her condition when you get to the hospital." Jim looked at Gary for some help.
The officer on the scene, Deputy Sheriff Mitch Page, walked around the squad and motioned to Jim that he wanted to talk in private for a minute. "He okay?" he asked, looking in Johnny's direction.
"Yeah, he's comin' around pretty good. Seems exhausted and a little groggy still. Between the blow to the head and a mild case of hypothermia from being out here for three hours, it's understandable. Um… Mitch, he's asking about Rachel Morris again. I don't know what to tell him. This whole thing is really kinda weird."
"That's putting it mildly," Mitch replied, "I guess it's best for now if you just keep telling him she's on her way to the hospital. Maybe you and Gary can fill the doctor in on the story, and let him decide how to break it to Gage."
The ambulance finally pulled up, and when they stopped, Jim broke away from his conversation to help Gary and the attendants lift the stokes onto the gurney. Johnny's eyes were closed and he had been really quiet for the last few minutes. Jim crouched down next to him, and put his hand on Johnny's shoulder, speaking to him softly. "Hey, Johnny, Gary's ridin' in with you. I'll stop in and see you before we take off again, okay? Take it easy buddy, you're gonna be all right."
Johnny gave him a weak smile without opening his eyes. "Thanks, Jimmy. Do me a favor, and find out about Rachel, will you?"
Gary hoped Johnny wouldn't ask him questions on the ride in. He didn't think he could handle it as well as Jim was.
"Sure, I'll do that Johnny." Jim assured him.
Johnny moaned a little from the motion as they lifted the gurney into the ambulance. Gary climbed in beside him. After watching it disappear down the road, Jim finished collecting the rest of their equipment, and loaded it into the squad. He was thinking about Johnny and frowning when Mitch came over again to finish the discussion they had started earlier.
"By the way, how'd you two manage to pull duty on Christmas Day again this year?"
Jim just shrugged and smiled. "It's no big deal. We didn't mind switching with some of the guys that have families at home. It means a lot to them to be there to see their kids open presents on Christmas morning."
"Is your friend really going to be okay?" Mitch asked. Putting his pen back in his jacket pocket, he glanced one more time at the entries he'd made in his notebook, then closed the cover.
Jim looked thoughtfully in the direction the ambulance had taken before answering. "Yeah, Mitch, I think he's going to be okay now. You know… he's really lucky to be alive, though. Being out here in the cold for three hours with a head injury…. It could've been real bad. It's a good thing that motorist came along when he did."
"Did he say anything more about the girl?" Mitch asked.
Jim wondered how Johnny was going to react when he discovered the truth. He was glad he wasn't going to be the one who told him.
"Yeah, he did. He asked me to find out how she was doing when I got to the hospital."
Mitch slapped the small notebook against the palm of his hand, and shook his head. "Jimmy, I'm going to have to go call it in now… I think Detective Fletcher is gonna want to talk to him. You think Gage will be up to answering some questions at the hospital?"
"Well… that'll be the doctor's call… but I think if you give him some time to come around a little more, he might be able to answer a few questions." Jim closed up the compartment doors. "I gotta get going myself. Hey, by the way, Merry Christmas."
"Same to you Jimmy." Mitch's smile turned somber. "Maybe next Christmas we'll get lucky and not see each other out here again. It's getting to be a habit. Not a good one either."
Jim Spencer thought it over as he drove to the hospital, and concluded he wouldn't try to see Johnny in the ER after all. They would talk to the doctor, then he and Gary would leave, letting the doctor break the news when he thought Johnny was up to hearing it. He'd just make some excuse the next time he saw Johnny about being toned out again before he could stop in.
Jim couldn't help wonder what really happened out here this morning, then decided he didn't want to know.
* * * * * * *
Hark, the Herald Angels sing...
* * * * * * *
Roy peeked his head out from under the covers and cracked open an eyelid to look at the clock on the night stand. Six-thirty. It wasn't even light outside yet. His pillow beckoned him to put his head down again, but the muffled sounds of excitement coming from the hallway outside the door assured him there would be no more sleep this morning. He turned over and put his hand on Joanne's shoulder and gave it a gentle shake. She kept her eyes closed for just a moment longer, but smiled when she heard them too. Chris was telling Jennifer to be quiet in as loud a whisper as he could manage. Roy and Joanne laughed softly, knowing the little drama playing on the other side of the door was a well-staged, well-rehearsed plot to wake them up and get things moving… after all, it was Christmas morning, and there were presents to be opened.
Joanne called to the kids, and a split-second later the door opened and two little faces with sparkling eyes peeked into the room. When Roy signaled them to come in, they ran and bounced on the bed, both instantly chattering a mile a minute about what they had seen when they ventured down the hall and checked out what was under the tree that hadn't been there last night.
Santa hadn't failed to come, and Chris and Jennifer pleaded with their parents to get up, practically pulling them out of bed. They couldn't contain their excitement, wanting to find out if their whispered wishes to the department store Santa had been delivered in the night.
Chris and Jennifer both jumped up and down, anxiously waiting for their deliberately slow mom and dad to put on their robes and slippers. Roy and Joanne had their own little well-rehearsed plot going to drive their kids crazy, drawing out the excitement for as long as possible. The years spent believing in Santa Claus passed far too quickly, and they wanted to enjoy these precious moments for as long as they could.
Not to be denied though, the kids grabbed their hands and led the way down the hallway, into the living room where the tall, lovingly decorated tree, and the presents surrounding it, filled half the small darkened room. Roy turned on the lights on the tree and all four of them stood there for just a few seconds, taking in the wonder of it all… then the kids went into motion, and in no time, paper was flying every which way.
In spite of the fact it had been a somewhat difficult year financially, Santa didn't disappoint anyone in the DeSoto household. Roy got the new watch he'd been wanting, and the beautiful, delicate gold chain with the small, perfect pearl that hung around Joanne's neck brought a warm smile to her face.
Roy wished they could have done more, but the kids didn't seem to think there was a shortage of anything. They were surprised and excited about all their presents, but after carefully checking out each and every new thing they got a second time, couldn't resist looking longingly at the ones that still sat under the tree. Joanne just shook her head no when they both turned those eyes on her.
Roy checked his new watch. It was almost eight-thirty. For his and Joanne's sake, he hoped his partner would show up soon. The kids were already getting their second wind and were eager to tear into the only remaining unopened gifts -- the ones from their Uncle Johnny.
Not expecting any help -- and getting none -- from Chris and Jennifer, whose attention was once again absorbed by their new things, Roy started to pick up the remnants of wrapping paper and ribbons strewn across the living room floor, while Joanne made her way into the kitchen to start breakfast.
Just as she set the coffeepot down on the stove and turned on the burner, the phone rang. Joanne crossed her fingers that it wasn't Johnny calling to say he'd be late, or they'd never keep the kids calm until he showed up. Hoping it was her mom, or Roy's mother, calling to wish them a Merry Christmas, she was surprised that the voice on the other end was a stranger's. A worried look clouded her features when the voice explained who she was and why she was calling.
Putting the receiver down on the counter, Joanne stepped out of the kitchen and called out softly to get Roy's attention.
"Roy, there's a phone call for you," she said as quietly as possible. "It's important."
Looking up from his paper-gathering task, he inquired, "Who is it?"
Roy saw Joanne's eyes glance at the kids, then back at him. He got the message that this was not something she wanted them to hear. With a questioning look on his face, he immediately followed her back into the kitchen.
"Roy," she explained, the worry evident in her voice, "it's a nurse from St. Mary's Medical Center in Malibu. Johnny was involved in an accident sometime during the night, and he's there now in the emergency room. She said he gave them our number and asked them to call."
She picked up the phone and handed it to Roy, who took a deep breath, then swallowed hard as he slowly reached to take it from her.
"This is Roy DeSoto." His steady tone belied his nervousness. Joanne stood in front of him, watching for the expressions on his face that would tell her if Johnny was going to be okay.
Roy listened for a minute, then visibly relaxed. Joanne let out the breath she'd been holding. The conversation continued a while longer -- Roy asking a few questions, but mostly nodding as he listened to the information he was being given. He finally hung up the phone and leaned heavily against the counter, the look on his face now a mixture of both concern and relief.
From what little he had just been told, he knew that Johnny had either been very lucky, or that the someone who seemed to look out for him had been with him once again.
Joanne nudged him. "So, Roy, are you going to tell me, or do I have to stand here and guess?" she anxiously prodded.
"Oh. Sorry, hon.... I was just thinking...." Roy checked to make sure the kids were still out of earshot. "Johnny was in an accident around three o'clock this morning on his way back from Ventura. His car went over the side of a hill off Kanan Road. I guess someone passing by a few hours later noticed the broken barricade and stopped to check it out. He called the sheriffs and they called the fire department. The nurse said Johnny was brought in around seven this morning with a concussion and an injured shoulder."
"So, does that mean he's going to be okay?" Joanne asked hopefully.
"Yeah… yeah, it sounds like it," Roy said with a little hesitation. "The nurse said he was also a little dehydrated and suffering from exhaustion and a mild case of hypothermia. I guess they wanted to keep him for the rest of the day, and maybe overnight, but apparently he's not being real cooperative about that. He's insisting on checking out and wants me to come pick him up… she said that the doctor finally agreed to release him around ten or ten-thirty if everything was looking okay."
Roy looked at the clock on the wall. If he left now, he'd be there in plenty of time. The nurse had also said that the doctor needed to talk to him privately before he saw Johnny.
"I'll go explain to Chris and Jennifer what happened," Joanne said, then asked, "You are planning to bring him home with you, aren't you?" Roy knew by the tone of her voice that both he and Johnny would be in trouble in he didn't.
Not sure why Johnny was refusing to stay in the hospital, Roy nodded, hoping he wouldn't object to coming home with him. "I'm sure the doctor's going to want someone to keep an eye on him for a while longer…. I'll bring him here, and he can get some rest… hopefully we can persuade him to stay here overnight too. From what the nurse said, he can't be feeling very well.... Um… Joanne… can you make sure the kids understand that, and that they'll need to take it easy around him?"
"I'm sure they'll understand, and be happy Johnny's going to be able to spend Christmas here with us instead of in the hospital. You know, Roy, I have to tell you… I'm really glad too. I don't even want to think about what could have been." Joanne pushed the unspoken thought from her mind.
Roy drew Joanne close and they held each other for a long, comforting moment without talking.
Joanne pulled away so Roy could get going. She knew he was eager to see for himself that Johnny was okay, but a question came to mind. "Roy, why do you suppose Johnny was driving through the canyon in the dark and in the rain?"
Roy wasn't sure Johnny even knew why he did things sometimes. He shrugged his shoulders and gave the only answer he could think of. "Heaven only knows...."
He gave her a quick kiss. "I need to go get dressed and I've gotta grab a shirt and jacket for him," Roy explained, "the nurse said he had a pretty good gash on his forehead that bled a lot, and suggested it might be a good idea to bring him something clean to wear."
Roy hurried off to the bedroom to get dressed, while Joanne sat on the couch and asked the kids to leave their toys so she could talk to them. Jennifer climbed on her lap, and Joanne put her arm around Chris when he sat on the couch next to her. Carefully explaining why their dad was leaving and where he was going, she tried to assure them that they would see for themselves in a little while that Johnny was really okay. When Roy came back into the living room with the extra clothes, he could see Jennifer's lower lip quivering and tears threatening to spill out. He picked her up and held her tight in his arms, as little sobs broke out.
"Jennifer," he said softly, gently rubbing her back, "your Uncle Johnny's gonna be fine. It's Christmas Day, and you know Santa wouldn't let anything bad happen to him today, don't you?"
There was a little sniffle, and a little shudder as she drew in her breath, then she pulled her head away from his shoulder and looked to make sure her daddy was telling her the truth. Jennifer drew a small hand across her cheek to wipe away the tears and nodded her head.
"The angels wouldn't let anything bad happen to him today either." She announced that with such a degree of absolute certainty that Roy had to smile as he helped dry her cheeks.
Roy gave Jennifer a hug and a kiss and put her down on Joanne's lap. Chris seemed to be taking the news well, but Roy knelt down and gave him a hug too, noticing that Chris returned it with all his might. Not too much longer, and hugs between father and son would probably be added to the growing list of things that boys don't do anymore. Roy hugged him again, savoring the moment.
As he went out the front door, Roy looked back over his shoulder at his family sitting by the Christmas tree. News of Johnny's close call had been a clear reminder of what was really important, and it wasn't the lights on the tree or the number of presents beneath it.
Trying to push aside his concerns while on his way to the hospital, Roy's thoughts strayed to what Jennifer had said about angels protecting Johnny today. He wished it was that simple… he wished that sometimes he could still have a child's blind faith in things unseen, but it seemed impossible after all he had experienced since becoming a paramedic.
The holidays brought joy and happiness to many, but to some, it brought painful reminders of broken lives and shattered dreams. Roy and Johnny had to deal with some rough calls in the last few weeks, and when Roy had seen their disillusioned faces, he came to understand how quickly faith in anything could disappear in the face of their harsh reality.
Not quite the outgoing optimist that Johnny was, Roy certainly didn't consider himself a pessimist, but in his job he had witnessed too much pain and suffering to put his faith in -- as Jennifer did -- things he couldn't see.
It was just like in the movie they watched last night -- adults always needing proof that something was "real" before believing in it, while children so readily accepted the existence of the things they cannot see … like Santa Claus and his reindeer… and angels that come to earth on Christmas Day.
* * * * * * *
Roy checked with the admitting desk inside the entrance to the emergency room, and was asked to wait while Dr. Baker was paged. A few minutes later, the nurse answered the phone, then directed Roy to an office down the hall and around the corner where the doctor was waiting to talk with him. Thanking the nurse and wishing her a Merry Christmas, Roy made his way past the treatment rooms and knocked on the office door. A tall, young doctor opened it, and warmly invited him to come in and sit down.
Extending his hand, he introduced himself. "I'm Dr. Rod Baker… Mr. DeSoto, I understand you're a friend of Mr. Gage, who happens to be one of my patients right now."
"John and I are good friends, and we work together." Roy studied the doctor's face. "Is he okay?" The doctor looked relaxed, but there was some little thing about his demeanor that made Roy suspect something was wrong.
"He's doing fine, although I'd rather not release him just yet… but he's insisting on checking out. I… I understand you and he are both paramedics with the LA County Fire Department?" He asked the question somewhat curiously, as though he needed to confirm what Johnny had told him was true.
"That's right… we work out of Station 51 in Carson, with Rampart General as our base hospital. Uh… doctor, are you sure there's not a problem?" Roy couldn't shake the feeling of uneasiness that gripped him.
"No… not exactly. Mr. Gage suffered a pretty nasty blow to the head, and since he's a paramedic, I'm a little surprised he's not being more cooperative about staying here. I just wanted to be sure that when he's released, there'll be someone -- who knows what signs to watch for -- keeping an eye on him for the rest of the day. I think if all goes well though, it should be okay for him to try to get some sleep in a couple of hours. From the sound of it, I'd say he's been through a pretty tough ordeal, and I… I think sleep would probably be the best thing for him under the circumstances."
Roy sat forward in the chair when he heard the last part of that sentence. "Not exactly? What do you mean…? Under what circumstances?"
The doctor now appeared to fidget a little in his chair. "Mr. DeSoto...."
"Roy… please call me Roy." he interrupted, trying to dispense with the formalities.
"Okay… Roy, let me tell you what I know about the accident, and then someone will be here in a few minutes that can fill you in on the rest of the details. Now, according to the paramedics that brought him in, Mr. Gage's car went over the side of a hill around three o'clock this morning in the canyon area above us here. He was spotted by a passing motorist around five-thirty, and the fire department and sheriff arrived on the scene around six. The paramedics determined he was suffering from a probable concussion from an impact with the car's window, and had a deep laceration on his forehead that appeared to have bled profusely for while. Mr. Gage also complained of a sore left shoulder… he does have a sizable contusion there, but didn't dislocate it, or break any bones."
Dr. Baker looked at the brown envelope on his desk that held Johnny's many X-ray films, again thinking it was nothing short of a miracle that the man didn't have a single broken bone.
"I'd say he's a pretty fortunate man… according to the paramedics, his car landed on its side and slid, rather than rolled down the hill. His leg had been trapped and he was unable to get out of the car by himself, but I guess it didn't take long for the firemen to get him free and pull him out once they got there. From their description of the damage to his car, he was lucky that he didn't suffer any fracture or other injury to the leg or ankle."
Roy nodded his head. He'd known Johnny for less than two years, and had learned early on that the man had some kind of luck in his corner.
Dr. Baker continued. "We put some stitches in his forehead, and we're going to put the arm in a sling, just to support the shoulder and try to minimize his use of it for a few days. We're also going to send along a muscle relaxant.... I've no doubt that he's going to be feeling the effects of whiplash by tomorrow morning, if not sooner… not to mention a headache that's probably going to bother him for a while.
None of this explained the "under the circumstances" comment made earlier, and Roy started to ask again, but the doctor was already conveying the rest of his instructions.
"Mr. Gage said that he's supposed to be on duty again the day after tomorrow, but I doubt he's going to be feeling up to it, especially given the kind of job you fellows do. I'm recommending that he skip his next shift, then check in with his doctor or the hospital, and get cleared before trying to go back to work. He should even think about seeing a doctor tomorrow if he wakes up in too much pain."
Even though he felt he was being put off in getting his question out in the open again, Roy relaxed a little. It sounded like Johnny was fully awake and able to answer questions and provide them with information about himself and the accident.
"Dr. Baker, I… I'm sorry.... But you never explained what you meant when you said 'under the circumstances' a little while ago. Is there something else you haven't told me?" Roy was determined to get an answer this time.
"Well…," the doctor hesitated, "when he came in, he was pretty upset about the accident.... Then when the detective from the sheriff's department came in and interviewed him about it a little while ago, I'm afraid Mr. Gage got even more upset. I'll be honest with you… we're a little concerned about his… um… mental condition."
The small frown that suddenly creased Dr. Baker's forehead didn't go unnoticed by Roy, and was matched by one of his own.
"His mental condition? I don't understand what you mean." Roy got that ugly sinking feeling in his stomach when it occurred to him. "Was there someone else involved in the accident? Was someone else hurt?"
The doctor began to fidget in his chair again. Just then, there was a small tap on the door, and when it opened and a man stepped in, the doctor relaxed again.
Roy noticed he kept a manila folder tucked under one arm as they shook hands. The man introduced himself. "Mr. DeSoto? I'm Detective Sam Fletcher of the LA County Sheriff's Homicide Division."
Roy's mouth went dry and his handshake immediately froze.
"Please… Mr. DeSoto, don't jump to any conclusions. Mr. Gage isn't in any real trouble. We just need to ask you a few questions about him for the files. So you understand, the homicide division also handles "questionable deaths" that includes suicides and accidental deaths. I assure you we have no reason to believe that there was any foul play involved in this accident… if that's what you're thinking… but there are some loose ends we need to tie up. Please, sit down." The detective pulled up a chair next to the one Roy had been sitting in.
Roy still felt uneasy in spite of the detective's assurance that Johnny was not in trouble, and sat on the edge of the chair waiting for them to explain. Someone else had been involved. Someone else was dead. He understood now why Johnny was so upset and didn't want to stay in the hospital. Roy wanted to see him now, knowing that Johnny was probably taking it really hard.
"Mr. DeSoto," he started, "Mr. Gage told me that you and he are close friends, and that you'll most likely be the one seeing to it that he's going to be all right for the next day or two?"
Roy nodded, drawing in his breath. He just wanted someone to tell him what was going on.
"Is Johnny....Was he responsible for the accident?" Roy asked nervously. "What about the other person…?"
The detective held up a hand. "The deputy on the scene said the initial investigation indicates that Mr. Gage probably was responsible for the accident, but as I said, he isn't in trouble here, and there really isn't any cause for alarm. We realize he suffered a pretty close call out there this morning… but we're just a little confused about some of the details he's given us. I suppose the doctor told you he got pretty upset when I tried to talk to him a while ago? We decided it would be best if I finished questioning him in a few days when he's feeling a little better and thinking a little more clearly again."
Dr. Baker spoke up. "That's why we were hoping you could answer a few questions for us."
Roy thought to himself that they weren't the only ones who were confused. "I'm sorry, but I don't know what I could tell you.... I wasn't there, and I haven't talked to Johnny yet, so I don't see how I can be of any help."
Detective Fletcher opened the folder and handed it to Roy, and asked him to read it. Roy glanced first at the date on the top of the report. December 25, 1972. There wasn't much there, and when he finished reading it, he looked at the doctor, then at the detective. Their expressions gave him no clue as to what this was all about.
"I'm sorry," he said again, "but I really don't understand what this has to do with Johnny and what happened this morning."
Sam Fletcher cleared his throat. "Let me tell you what Mr. Gage has told us about the accident, and what the officer on the scene told me, and I think maybe what you just read will be a little more clear."
They all settled back in their chairs as Detective Fletcher began to explain.
* * * * * * *
Angels are speaking to all of us --
Some of us are only listening better.
--Anonymous
* * * * * * *
Roy pulled the car into his driveway and put it into park, then reached down slowly to shut the ignition off. His fingers drummed rhythmically on the top of the steering wheel and he turned his head to look out the window to his left, trying to figure out what to say. Johnny had been silent since getting in the car, while Roy had rattled on and on about the kids and the presents they had opened that morning. Anything to avoid talking about it. Now he had no choice. Roy turned his head back slightly, and out of the corner of his eye, saw Johnny watching him intently.
"I'm not crazy, Roy." Johnny quietly insisted.
Roy turned to look directly at Johnny and their eyes measured each other's trust in the other.
"No one said you were." Roy answered truthfully.
Johnny nodded. "Yeah… sure." His voice was full of sarcasm and he turned his head to stare out the front windshield. Even that small motion irritated the headache.
"The doctor just said he thought that...."
"Roy.... I heard what the doctor said. He said that I had a nasty bump on the head, and because of that, I probably just… imagined the whole thing."
"That's not the same thing as saying you're crazy, Johnny."
"Look…," Johnny said adamantly, "I know what I saw and I know what I heard. I wasn't imagining anything. She was real, Roy. She was real. I hit that car and saw it go over the side before I did, and then I talked to her and she talked to me. She was as real as you and me are sitting here right now."
"But… Johnny.... No one said she wasn't exactly real… It's just… it's just she couldn't have been there last night. I saw the accident investigation report with my own eyes. So did you. That girl -- Rachel Morris -- went over the side of that hill at that same spot exactly a year ago and was killed instantly. Although they were never sure about how it happened, they ruled it an accidental death and the file was closed."
Roy paused, then repeated emphatically, "A year ago, Johnny."
Roy could see the anger flash in Johnny's eyes, but he continued to try to reason with him.
"Based on what they saw at the scene and what you told them, they figure you fell asleep at the wheel and woke up at the last minute, but it was too late to keep from going over the side. They said when they found you, there was no one else there… no car, no girl… just you in the Rover squashed against the side of a boulder. They said the engine from 65s was first on the scene, and their report will verify that."
"In other words, they think I'm crazy."
Roy sighed in defeat.
"How would I have known her name…? How would I know anything about her if she hadn't been there?" Johnny challenged defensively.
"I'm not sure… but the detective and the doctor and I talked about it a little. We thought maybe… maybe you heard about it in one of our paramedic meetings, or maybe the guys from 18s told you about it sometime, or maybe you read about it in the newspaper and just don't remember."
Johnny shook his head. "That's not what happened." He was sure of it.
"Well, how else can you explain it, Johnny?"
"Roy, I… I… I can't explain it. Even if I could, I… I don't think you'd understand. Some things just can't be explained. I just know what I know. She was there and that's all there is to it."
"If she was there, where'd she go, Johnny? Where'd her car go? Did you ever actually see her?" Roy could tell Johnny was getting upset again, but there had to be some explanation for this mysterious girl that only Johnny believed was there.
"I don't know where she went. All right? I don't know. Does that make you happy? I can't explain it. You don't always have to see something to believe it, Roy." Johnny glared at him. "You know, it doesn't matter anyway. Nobody believes me. You don't believe me. Like I said, I know what I know, and right now... I... I really don't care what you think."
Roy had never seen Johnny this angry with him, and he didn't want to keep arguing with him, so he stopped talking and tried to think things through again.
The doctor had told him that if Johnny hadn't imagined someone was talking to him to keep him awake, he very well could have fallen asleep and slipped into a coma long before he was found. Whatever he thought happened, whoever he thought it was talking to him, Johnny's belief that it was real had probably saved his life. Still it was a little unnerving. The suggestion that Johnny had heard about Rachel's accident from the paramedics that had responded to the call that day, and forgotten about it, seemed to give them all the explanation they needed. It was the only thing that made sense. Johnny's story was a little too bizarre, even for people who had seen plenty of bizarre things in their line of work.
It was Johnny who broke the silence.
"Do you think I'm crazy?" Johnny asked pointedly, still angry and frustrated at not being believed. He did care what Roy thought.
They looked at each other long and hard.
Roy finally relented. "No… I don't Johnny. I want to believe you when you say you saw her car and talked to her. Think about, though… it's kinda hard to understand." Roy paused and looked out the window again, choosing his next words carefully. " I… I suppose maybe you're right… maybe there are things that happen sometimes that just can't be explained in the way we'd like them to, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept them."
He paused, and said quietly "I don't know if it makes you feel any better, Johnny, but I believe you believe she was there."
Johnny closed his eyes and settled back against the seat and felt his anger dissipate. Roy's concession was a small victory for his sanity… and for their friendship.
"You wanna hear about her, Roy?"
"If you think you feel up to telling me about her." Roy had to admit he was curious.
"It was really kind of sad, Roy. Nineteen years old and she felt like she never found a reason for being alive. Man, I can't imagine how that must feel. Movin' around from place to place, never having any friends… just watching movies all the time. I really felt sorry for her, but I couldn't understand how anything could be so bad that you'd want to kill yourself. At first she was really mad at me for getting in her way, and she kept yelling at me to stay awake because she was thinking I was gonna die before she did. But after we talked for a while… and she started telling me about her life and things… I think… I don't know… She was just scared and confused. I think maybe she realized she didn't want to die after all. I think she wanted to make sure I didn't either."
Johnny leaned forward, shook his head, regretted it, then continued.
"I was having a real hard time staying awake.... man, she sure could talk a lot for someone who was hurt... but I heard her say she understood why we were there, and that she finally knew that she had a purpose after all. She sounded… she sounded really happy.... kinda peaceful… but I fell asleep and never heard her say what it was."
Johnny hesitated and said softly to himself, "I wonder what it was."
Roy wondered if he'd ever hear what the entire conversation had been about. Something must have made her change her mind. For someone who could talk nonstop, he found Johnny to be a very private person in many ways -- there were a lot of things he never talked about.
Once again recalling what the doctor had said… that staying awake had probably saved his life… Roy couldn't believe he was about to say this. "Maybe she was there to save your life, Johnny. Maybe keeping you alive became her purpose."
Johnny stared at Roy, then understood what he meant and shook his head. "Are you saying what I think you're saying…? You think she waited around for a whole year just to help me? It's a nice thought, Roy… but… I don't think I'm special enough to warrant that kind of attention. When it comes right down to it, I'm just ordinary guy tryin' to do his best to get along."
A slow smile began to cross Johnny's face. He winced. It hurt to smile too.
"She called me Clarence."
Roy gave Johnny a questioning look.
"You know, from the movie. The angel who was trying to earn his wings… by showing Jimmy Stewart the error of his thinking… that the world would have been better off if he'd never been born."
Roy smiled at the thought too. So Rachel thought Johnny was her guardian angel? Roy kind of thought if there really were angels, that maybe it was the other way around. His theory was that Rachel had been sent there to help Johnny, but now he wondered if it was the other way around.
Johnny, happier now, continued his story. "You know what she said to me? She said if she ever made it to heaven, she was gonna try to see to it that I got my wings long before I got there. She said when I heard a bell ring, I'd know."
Roy chuckled a little. "Well, you don't have to worry about that today. We don't have any bells on our tree this year."
Johnny dismissed the thought with a laugh. "Can you imagine that…? Me… an angel? Personally, I think that'd be a lot harder to believe than believing I talked to Rachel this morning, don't you? I… um… haven't exactly lived the life of a saint." Johnny let his eyes do the smiling this time.
"Yeah.... Some thought, huh?" Roy agreed, wondering if heaven could ever be prepared for someone like Johnny. They had no idea.
Roy got out of the car, and walked around to open the passenger door, then offered his hand to Johnny to help him out. As they walked toward the house, Jennifer burst out the door and began to race toward them, excited that her Uncle Johnny was finally here. Obviously she had forgotten what Joanne told her about taking it easy around him, and Roy caught Jennifer and held her back before she could launch herself at Johnny.
Taking in the bandage on his forehead and the sling that was holding his arm, she remembered what her mom had said and calmed down. Suddenly embarrassed, acting almost shy now, Jennifer stood in front of her father and waited. Johnny crouched down, trying not to groan out loud, and held out his right arm for her to come give him a hug. Smiling her little girl smile, she came up to him slowly and carefully put her arms around his neck and hugged him ever so gently. Johnny wrapped his good arm around her and stood up, carrying her into the house, listening patiently as she began to tell him all about her morning. Roy just shook his head and followed them into the living room.
"… and Uncle Johnny, wait 'til you see what Santa brought me," Jennifer was saying breathlessly, "a toy kitchen and a Lite Brite and a Barbie Doll and some stuff to make jewelry with and some horses and they're plastic but they look real and...."
Johnny put her down next to the tree, and while she began pulling out all her presents to show him, his thoughts went back to the early morning hours and wondered what life might have been like for Rachel if she had grown up in a family like Roy's.
Chris interrupted his thoughts by politely asking how he was feeling, but Johnny kind of figured that what he really wanted to know is if they could open his presents now that he was here. Joanne thought Johnny looked like he needed to sit down, and gently pulled him to the couch. Once she was sure he was comfortable, she sat down on the arm of the couch next to him and gave the green light to the kids, who once again tore through ribbons and wrapping paper. Chris got his first baseball glove and a baseball, and Johnny's promise to help him work on his throwing arm when he was feeling better; there was also a whole set of Matchbox race cars and some new track to go with them.
Jennifer's eyes gleamed with joy, and Johnny let out that groan when he realized what she had just opened. At Dixie's suggestion, he had bought her a nurse's kit -- complete with a white hat and a bag with a play stethoscope and thermometer, and bandages, among other things. He just knew he was destined to be Jennifer's first patient today, and looked at Joanne with eyes that pleaded with her to help him out. Joanne thought it was funny, but she also saw that he might be in enough pain later to warrant a real nurse, and patted his arm to let him know she would handle it.
He caught her hand as she started to get up. "Joanne.... Thanks. I hope I haven't ruined your Christmas plans by being here. I just… I couldn't stay at the hospital."
She thought he looked just like a little lost boy, but resisted the urge to ruffle his hair, instead she squeezed his hand, then whispered to him, "Johnny, the only way you could have ruined our Christmas is if you weren't here with us today."
He grinned in spite of pain he was beginning to feel from the stitches.
"You hungry, Johnny?" Joanne knew she really didn't have to ask. He looked a little pale, and was sporting a vividly purple, puffy eye, but otherwise seemed to be in fairly good spirits. She wanted to ask for details about the accident, but feeding the hungry group seemed a little more important just then, so she squeezed his hand again, then got up and headed for the kitchen.
Joanne had given the kids some cereal while they waited for Roy and Johnny to come back from the hospital, but now it was time for the real breakfast. Joanne soon announced that it was ready, and the kids bounced up from their spots beside the tree and raced each other into the kitchen. Johnny listened to their laughter and thought about Rachel again, hoping that someday Chris and Jennifer would know just how truly lucky they were to have loving parents and a comfortable home.
Johnny knew if he stayed where he was on the couch, he'd want to fall asleep, and that was against the rules for a few more hours. He reached out his right hand, and Roy helped him up from the couch, and held onto him until he was sure he was steady on his feet. Roy thought Johnny looked a little sad and a lot tired. The aroma of hot cinnamon rolls right out of the oven and fresh coffee drifted into the room, where they lingered together for a moment looking at the tree, both lost in thoughts of their own.
Thinking of Rachel reminded Johnny of something else she said. "Roy… would it be okay with you if I used your phone later? There's someone I haven't talked to in a long time, and I'd just like to call and say Merry Christmas."
"Sure, Johnny." Roy answered, somewhat distracted.
Normally Roy would have been curious who the person was, but he was still thinking about their conversation in the car, and looked intently at his friend. Johnny had said that he wasn't all that special, that he was just an ordinary guy. It wasn't hard for Roy to remember the calls… the rescues… the lives Johnny had saved, sometimes risking his own to do it. If not for his partner, Roy knew that even he might not be alive to share this Christmas Day with his family. To those who knew him well, Johnny was special, so perhaps it wasn't a total stretch of the imagination to think someone else thought so too.
Roy remembered other times… Johnny's own brushes with death… the close calls that he miraculously managed to survive, just like the one this morning. Some people said he was the luckiest person they ever knew; Johnny just shrugged it off as being the way things were.
Jennifer had said the angels wouldn't let anything bad happen to him. Perhaps a child's faith in things unseen hadn't been misplaced. Perhaps it wasn't as impossible as it sounded.
The meeting that the detective insisted didn't take place between Johnny and Rachel this morning -- Roy had to wonder if there had there been a reason for that. He wondered if she was sent there to save his life so he could continue to do his job and save the lives of countless others, and in doing so, had given purpose to hers in the end. Or was Johnny sent there to give her a second chance… a chance to find a reason for being… a chance to find peace.
Either way, for Roy to believe Johnny's story meant he would have to believe with a child's simple faith… it meant he would have to believe....
Johnny turned his head to look at Roy.
"What?" he asked when he saw Roy looking at him kind of funny. "You still thinkin' I'm crazy?"
Roy shook his head. "No...." He glanced back at the tree. "Just the opposite, Johnny. I'm thinking maybe angels really do walk the earth, but sometimes they don't even know that's what they are."
Johnny gave him a skeptical look. "Sounds to me like you're the one who got the bump on the head."
Roy laughed and gave him a gentle push in the direction of the kitchen. Johnny headed for the food and coffee. He was starved, and out of habit in need of some caffeine. He knew even ten cups of coffee weren't going to be enough to keep him awake much longer.
Roy paused for one more moment and looked up at the crooked gold glitter-covered star that Jennifer made that sat atop the tree. With a little imagination, he could almost see it start to glow.
In spite of the impossibility of the story Johnny told… and in the face of his unwavering belief in it, Roy decided to place his trust in his friend and for the first time in a long time, chose to believe in something that could not be proved or explained. In doing so, he placed his faith in something he didn't understand, but was willing to accept without proof.
Whether Rachel was supposed to be Johnny's angel, or whether Johnny was supposed to be hers, wasn't clear. Maybe they had saved each other for a reason that wasn't understood yet, but together they had also served another purpose today… to restore one man's belief in the enduring mystery and magic that was Christmas Day.
Softly, under his breath, Roy whispered, "Rachel, wherever you are, thank you."
As he turned and headed toward the kitchen himself, Roy could have sworn he heard the faint jingle behind him of not just one… but two bells.
Forgetting for the moment that there were no bells on their Christmas tree, Roy smiled broadly at the sudden image he had of stepping into the kitchen and seeing wings on his partner.
Heaven had no idea....
* * * * * * *
May your holiday season be everything you wish for -- and if your wishes come true, may you remember to share your good fortune with those around you whose lives have not been as blessed as yours. Be someone's angel, for you never know when you may need one yourself.
"We are each of us angels with only one wing, and
we can only fly by embracing one another."
To quote a jolly old elf, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
Nan M
Christmas 2001
